


Falling In and Apart

by Lyallblacklupin



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Break Up, Breaking Up & Making Up, Coming Out, Depression, Gay Panic, Gay Remus Lupin, Gay Sirius Black, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Idiots in Love, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Minor Character Death, Minor Violence, Panic Attacks, Post-Sirius Black's Prank on Severus Snape, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Requited Love, Sad Sirius Black, Secret Relationship, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Slow Burn, Teen Angst, Teen Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-15 04:01:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 47,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29553213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lyallblacklupin/pseuds/Lyallblacklupin
Summary: Remus and Sirius are finally ready to come out to their friends as a couple as they have been dating for four months secretly. However, Sirius might have said something to Severus Snape on the night of a full moon which is going to destroy everything. Will Remus be able to forgive the love of his mere life?
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 5
Kudos: 22





	1. Let me make it up to you.

The dinner at the Great Hall was not as contenting as ever, the warmth was exchanged with gazing away from each other as Remus Lupin sat across from Sirius Black. Apart of that, James had the same sanity level since he couldn't stop rambling about Lily and her emerald eyes, while Peter was deeply focused with his food as ever. 

"So when Moony was partnering with Lilyflower she glanced at me and did not glare!" James beamed up and Sirius was stuffing the custard pie exasperatedly.

"Score. Prongs." Remus murmured while his eyes locked with his plate. He was just playing the pie with his fork. Sirius glanced at him and felt agitated. He didn't understand why Remus wasn't talking to him. He had no right because it was reserved for Sirius this time in their current argument. Sirius had been crossed with his secretly known boyfriend because their hidden realtionship had been four months old and they hadn’t yet told the rest of the Marauders. Remus was not comfortable to reveal his sexuality even towards his best friends who had accepted his lycanthropy.

_ "Why do you think that they wouldn't accept you?" Sirius had snapped at him when they were alone one night in the dormitory. _

_ "No means no, Sirius." Remus had responded him sternly. _

_ "Wow! You don't have a reason now, cool."  _

_ "Don't use that sarcasm on me. I am not in mood." _

_ "What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you a homophobic?" _

_ "How can I be a homophobic when I am a homosexual, you sensless git!" _

_ "What is wrong with you, Remus? Why are you so angry as if I have eaten your chocolate or something?" _

_ "Too many questions, Pads. Decide which one you really wanna ask." Remus had opened his book that meant that the conversation was over. Sirius opened his mouth and shut it, and then stormed out of the dormitory.  _

That was their last argument. They had been having too many unnecessary arguments and now this was just another for Remus. He treated Sirius like he was still a stubborn toddler, so ignoring him was the number one thing he has done after two months of their relationship. Whereas, Sirius thought that Remus underestimated him and took him for granted. He was always trying to prove Remus wrong which was the last thing the werewolf would admit. 

Now, Sirius had fled to Gryffindor Tower since he was not having it. _ Why is he upset with me? He is the one who has made me upset? Why doesn't he wanna come out to James and Peter? They won't judge us of course! Gideon is gay, they dont call him a fairy. Dorcas is a lesbian and we all are friends with her. Moony is just too embarrassed to be with me.  That was all Sirius came up with.  _

He entered the common room very soundly and heard certain giggling and squeaky voices. Girls' laughing. He peeked placidly from the portrait door and saw Marlene and Dorcas sitting in one armchair where Marlene was on top of the brunette girl. She was peppering kisses on her dark skinned neck, which took Sirius off guard. He had no idea that Marlene was dating Dorcas. Hell, he had no clue that she was even gay. Sirius felt warmth at first in her and then later a slight sting. Remus and him were just as same in first few months of their relationship but now they were fighting most of the times. Maybe they don't have to fight. Maybe love was enough for them to argue. He felt ashamed for pressurizing his boyfriend to come out to other people. He quietly walked towards staircase so noiselessly and the later couple were so into the moment that they were clearly unaware of Sirius' cat-like presence.

He was sitting on his bed when Remus entered with Peter and James behind him. Sirius looked up to see his boyfriend staring softly at him. His eyes were apologizing and gentle. Those amber eyes filled with magic and love, making him desperate to lunge forward and kiss  His Moony with all the love residing in the depths of his heart. He noticed Remus was just as desperate. 

"Uh, Prongs, Peter. Could you leave for a minute? Actually I want to talk to Padfoot about something." He said rather politely. James' eyebrow quirked up at Sirius, who shrugged dramatically. 

"Yeah sure..." James ushered Peter ahead and they both walked out of the dorm room. 

Remus stood across Sirius' bed, with James' bed in between them. He casted a locking charm on the door before meeting those enticing grey orbs staring him with lust and love swimming within. Sirius hastily yet smoothly, lunged on James' bed and landed before his beautiful boyfriend who complied by launching in an ardent kiss. Sirius yanked him on the door, clutching those fragile wrists and raised them up his head. Their chests were pressed together and Sirius was deepening the kiss with passion when Remus gently turned away his head which almost stole the longing look from Sirius' face.

"Wait...I-I'm sorry..." Remus was breathless, his chest heaving together in rhythm with Sirius'. 

"No, Moony. You don't have to...I'm sorry." Sirius cupped the later face. His thumb travelled from Remus' cheek to his lips. He was studying his lips so dedicatedly, tracing the thumb back and forth, before dropping a sweet and slow kiss there. The blazing lust died away and there was just love in the air. "I was wrong to ask you to come out. I had no right."

"No, Pads, I am just dragging you with me...my love, I can't do that to you."

"Listen, what is more important to us? 

People or each other?"

"Each other. Of course-"

"Then thats it. We can't keep arguing over people, or desperately wanting to make our relationship public. You know what's important?" Sirius whispered his question which made Remus smile amusingly at him, blushing fericiously. "That I love you. I love you, Moony. I love you too much than to waste our precious time by fighting. I won't do that. I won't fight you." Remus was staring at him with awe and was at a verge of crying when Sirius whispered again, "Come here..." 

Then he enveloped his boyfriend into a toasty warm hug since he had been Remus' personal furnace. He let him cry the tears of gratitude in his check.

"I love you, too, Padfoot." Remus mumbled. "And I'm sorry for my harsh attitude. It's full moon tomorrow. I am just really getting on people's nerves." Sirius nodded, rubbing his back with his large comforting hands. "But, I have decided that we will tell James and Peter after the moon. The moons make me really aggressive, you know..." Sirius smiled ear to ear and suddenly scooped his boyfriend in his arms which resulted a soft yelp to escape from Remus' mouth. He laid Remus on the bed gently, causing a diffusion in those silver eyes of lust and love. He laid on top of him, leaning down to whisper seductively.

"Let me make it up to you." And then Remus was a goner.


	2. A life ruining mistake.

_ The day is shiny, or as Moony would say exuberant. My dear Moony. If I had to trade him with the eternal happiness, I wouldn't. I would never because he is already the heart of my beautiful life.  _

Sirius was surprisingly becoming unlike himself before the full moon. Or maybe he had been just discovered him and he had been unlike himself previouly, now he was becoming more himself. A sappy and committed boyfriend. As he sat in the common room in the earliest mornings he had ever I woken up at, he kept scribbling down the attributes and praises of his boyfriend in his secret journal. A journal Remus didn't even know about. Even James had his suspicions for Sirius' curious exhilirating personality before the full moon. 

"You know, it is rude to be happy on your friend's affliction." James spoke sternly when he caught Sirius hugging Remus from behind, when they were in the dormitory after Transfiguration. They both jerked away from each other but before they could react James was out of the dorm already with his broom.

"Okay, that was close." Sirius mumbled which earned him a sheepish smile from Remus, to Sirius' surprise, instead of a glare. "You're not angry at me?"

"Nah-Uh, Why should I be angry at being caught for you hugging me? Afterall I was being hugged by my sappy boyfriend." Remus slipped his arms into the later waist and interlocking his hands to hold Sirius close to his body. "I'm not doing a crime, do I?" 

He leaned to his ear, placing a tender kiss on the shell of the ear. 

"You are really serious?" Sirius whispered, which earned him a soft laugh from Remus.

"No, I thought we agreed on having different names." 

"Remus..." Sirius groaned his name.

"Yes, Pads. I am very  Sirius about you. Unless you want to change your name to  Crazy then I'm very crazy about you." 

"I never thought  you were such a sap." 

"I am not. For your information. That was all you, your influnce on me. Now move along, I have to turn into a beast tonight."

Sirius winced and watched Remus sliding into the bathroom. A certain bliss was spreading into his heart just like a maple syrup spilling onto pancakes.

The dusk was befalling when Sirius watched Remus limping due to the throbbing pain surging through him as they both made their way to the Hospital Wing. 

"Look, you don't have to worry," Sirius said, "Madam Pomfrey will take you to the Shack and we will be right with you once you are alone and we will accompany you in the forest and you won't be hurt I promise and-"

Remus managed to smile despite of his aching body.

"Take a breath, dear." This made Sirius blush in embarrasment and the soft moaning voice was just endearing. Remus lifted himself up by the support of Sirius' shoulders and pressed a chaste kiss on his forehead which sadly made Sirius realise that this was where he departed to the Shack by Pomfrey. It was always a heart-aching moment for him because every month he had to see the love of his life at the verge of death. This was the only reason he and the rest of marauders suggested the idea of becoming an Animagi. And so they did, where Sirius was a big black dog, James was a stag while Peter was a rat. They had firstly wrecked Remus for whole two days but then after alot of convincing they made him cry so sincerely, out of gratitude. 

"Just don't fret, okay?"

"Yes..." Sirius said inaudibly. Remus seemed unconvinced as he kept his worried gaze locked with the later. "Okay, okay." He blushed again as his grey eyes stared back in awe. "I won't fret. Just take care, will you?" 

Remus was smiling weakly. "I will try..." But Sirius looked hurt. "For you." He pulled Remus close and leaned to met him in a gentlest kiss. Once they parted, Sirius sniffed the scent of his boyfriend who whined for the loss of the warmth. "Okay, so here we are..."

They were inside the Hospital and Madam Pomfrey was fixing a certain Hufflepuff student. 

"James and Peter should be there now, hiding in the Shack." Sirius made him lay on the bed. "I'll join you once I get the map and the cloak." The weaker boy nodded and whimpered at the same time. "I love you."

"Oh Mr Black out of my way!" Pomfrey came rushing to escort Remus to the Shack. Sirius heart sunk but it was just going to be  another moon .  Thats all. 

He was racing haphazardly to the Gryffindor Tower to grab the Marauder's map and the invisibilty cloak. He couldn't reach the staircase as, in a wink of an eye, he was pushed so brutally to the nearby concrete wall. His body thrusted against the wall as a robust hand grasped him by his neck. Severus Snape, or as the Marauders would say,  Snivellus . 

"Well, Well Black, Off to your monthly visits with your toshy lot, huh?" The bitter voice was soaked with nothing but malice. 

"Sod off, Snivellus, before I kick you in the shin so nicely that you wouldn't be able to walk straight for a week." Sirius mangaed his hoarse voice but the grip grew tighter which was making his brain fuzzy and the air seemed to grow thicker and thicker. 

"So, tell me where you and your cheap friends wander around the castle every full moons?" Sirius thought as if someone had froze the rapid blood racing inside him and his eyes had become wider instinctively which he wished Snape didn't notice. But he did. "Oh? No answer? Cat got your tongue, huh?"

Sirius wanted to act his nonchalance but this was about Remus.  Remus , who was not only his boyfriend but the love of his mere life. His frenzy was easy to detect, though he tried.

"Come on, Snivellus, don't be too obsessed with us. Stop daydreaming to become like us." 

The evil grin traded with a blazing glare and Snape poked his wand at his heart, the clutching of fingers digging deeper. Sirius made a guttural sound. The time was running. Remus must be transforming in any second. He should have been there. James must have been fuming with rage while Remus? Remus would be just disappointed at him.

"I see you numpties shuffling around the greenhouses where you vanish by Potter's  spells . What is it? Is it Lupin's  physical affliction ? Or you do nasty business with him, huh, you  fairy ?" 

Sirius had lost it. 

In a swish, Sirius knees aided in yanking Snape and his bloodthristy limbs away from him. The wands were out.

" _ Expelliarmus _ _!_ " He exclaimed and Snape's wand jerked out of his grasp, flying way in the air. Snape's flying fist hit hard his nose as the blood pooled out of his nostrils. Despite the injury, Sirius kept throwing spells, hexes at him even after Snape had caught his wand. They were duelling with yellow and red sparks illuminating the dark corridor. 

" _ Everte Statum _ _!_ " Snape cried out and Sirius' body reacted against gravity for a solid five seconds before it cruelly pulled him on the floor. His chest was heaving up and down. Remus must have been transformed for sure. The thought made him shudder as the wolf had the tendency to react in accordance to the emotional health of the human self. An upset Remus meant a raging wolf, while a happy Remus meant a calming wolf. 

"So, Black? Lost the duel? Ah, what a disgrace." Snape mocked and Sirius didn't want to fight any longer but a muderous rage was boiling in him. He laid on the floor while Snape put his feet on his chest, pushing it down enough to contract the air within his lungs.

"Why don't you go by yourself to that ranting tree so that it will rip you out for good!" Sirius retaliated, but to his surprise, Snape was off as he saw him exiting the corridor.  How come he left the argument? 

That was the end of the better full moons Remus Lupin had had. Everyone was oblivious to the grave situation which was taking shape of a storm. A storm that was preparing to crash houses and families, and escpecially, love. Sirius Black didn't register the mistake he had made until he his dog form saw Snape being carried unconscious by James Potter who was shooting him with such fury that made him look unrecognisable. 

_ It was not just another moon. _


	3. Aftermaths.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Padfoot cannot escape the wrath of Prongs.

" _WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?_ " James shrieked at a bleeding Sirius on the floor of the dormitory. He had been punched excruciatingly by James after what had had happened. 

Apparently, Snape had understood 'ranting tree' as Whomping Willow and his bloody curiosity had led him down the passageway. Eventually we had been spotted by the werewolf, which answered all of his questions.  Remus Lupin was the werewolf, since Peter had tried to stop Snape in the way but ended up being hexed whereas James had saved him by wrapping both of them in invisibility cloak, after the wolf had jabbed him in the chest. 

The shock and the injury had fainted Snape in a heartbeat. James had carried his body in the forbidden forest but the werewolf kept sniffing skeptically and had been following the invisible bodies. 

Sirius hadn't realize that all of this had happened because  his stupid mistake. He had unintentionally told the Snape exactly what he wanted. 

"I didn't know that he would get that-" Sirius spoke in a small an trembling voice but was cut off by James’ deafening voice. 

"DIDN'T GET THAT!? THAT WAS SNIVELLUS! NOT FUCKING PETER WHO'D BE THIS OBLIVIOUS!" James was doing all but calming down. Sirius had never seen his best friend this way, especially to him. The extreme anger was radiating out of him as if he was seeing the familiar murderous looks of his family. 

James rubbed his face and then spoke little less infuriatingly, "Do you even realize what you have done? Huh? You have ruined our friendship, you have almost become a murderer! Hell! YOU ALMOST MADE REMUS A MURDERER YOU FUCKING TRAITOR!" 

That stung Sirius right in the heart.  Traitor? That was exactly what his family had been saying since the age of eleven. 

"That was Remus! You cared for him! I've never seen you this happy around even me than you feel with Remus. I observed you guys that day in the dorm. I didn’t show how much happy it made me feel. I love seeing us united and being affectionate fo each other....but now..." James' tone had turned just disappointing, "He had done so much for you! He had handle you in your worsts, your whiny childish behaviours, your mood swings, and this is how you repay him!?" 

No words could come out of Sirius' mouth. It was dry and treacherous to defend himself. Actually there was nothing to defend. He had no excuse. The damage had been done.  _Remus. He didn't think about Remus. God! What had he done! Had he just lost Remus? No, It couldn't be. Remus would understand that it was all a coincidence. He never meant to tell Snape. He would never!_

The tears escaped his eyes that made James sigh. He knelt down at the later and softened a little. 

"Look, I don't know what went through your mind. Maybe you guys had a fight and you went overly bitter..." 

Sirius jerked up to meet James' eyes. 

"What?" Sirius stared at him hurtfully. James didn't even know that Remus was the essential part of his life and he could never do something purposely to hurt him or get back on him. Despite of his dry throat and tearful eyes, he spoke, "James-- You don't know...I would never...I swear-you have to believe me! I didn't-" The words were also betraying him. 

James sighed annoyingly and witnessing all of this made Sirius so hopeless and vulnerable. James stood up and walked to the door. 

"JAMES!" Sirius yelled which made James stop. He had no strength to stand, defend himself or atleast apologise. "Please..." He whispered in between his sobs.  James would understand, James would listen, James always do. He is my brother. He will stay because he always do. 

However, He didn't even meet his gaze. He just shook his head and walked out of the dormitory. All of the hopes crushed down into tiny pieces. 

Dawn was rising, the sky becoming vibrant, but the sky of Sirius' heart was becoming colder as he was dreading for the Remus' reaction. Remus had been in the Hospital Wing and he was not even aware of his condition after the incident. Suddenly, the dorm room opened and Peter came nervously inside. Sirius looked at him hopefully. 

"Wormtail..." 

"Uh...Sirius...I don't know if I should talk to you..." Peter said. 

"Please! Peter!" Sirius came closer to him. He was begging. He had never felt so weak in front Peter who was the underdog in the group. "Please...at least tell me what happened." 

"So that you may know if your prank got any successful?" Peter spoke mockingly. 

"Prank? You think it was all a Prank?" Sirius wanted to scream defensively.  IT WAS NOT A PRANK!

"Well, of course, You hate Snape to death-" 

"BUT I LOVE REMUS TO DEATH!" Sirius shouted back. Peter's eyes widened. He looked confused and not angry. Peter had always been a placid person and had low tendency to show his anger. He was speechless. Sirius couldn't understand what was going through his mind. After a brief silence, Peter yawned. 

"I didn't do anything on purpose, Peter." Sirius said sadly. Surprisingly, Peter was listening. "Snape already had his suspicions. He tried asking me and didn't tell him anything until I mocked him to go after Whomping Willow so that he would never reach there because you know..." 

Peter frowned in perplexity. He needed to be explained everything literally. 

"The tree rants." 

"Oh" He understood. If Sirius was telling a story where he wasn't the brewer of it, he could have insulted his dumb-wittedness. "So, Snape knew?" 

"He knew that we go to every month past the greenhouses, he mentioned full moons, he knew that i am-" He was going to say  gay but he remembered that it was the only thing he and Remus hadn't yet told the marauders. "Nevermind. They aren't any excuses..." 

Peter shrugged. Half of Peter's replies were shrugs and nods or shakes. 

"Yeah, well, Remus...is not fine." 

Sirius felt his blood turned ice cold. 

"You talked to him?" 

"He is not conscious, Pads." Peter said while looking down on the floor, disheartened.

Sirius' heart skipped a beat.  Why wasn’t he conscious yet? 

"Does he know?" Sirius whimpered. 

"No, no, like I said he isn't responsive. He had pretty bad last night. Without Padfoot, Moony is always grumpy and ravenous." 

This didn't bring warmth in Sirius' heart. It only ached him to cores. He will have to come clean to Remus. 

"We tried to stop him from doing stupid," Peter continued, "but he was sniffing Prongs if he could smell Padfoot. As far as I am concerned, me being a rat is barely a contribution so it was only Prongs saving Moony from hurting himself. Moony had bit himself alot and we couldn't stop him because he was coming after us. Remus lost lots of blood." 

He shuddered listening Peter. They were silent briefly and Sirius was slightly glad that Peter was talking to him. 

Peter looked at him despondently. 

"Everyone will know now that Snape knows. Remus' lycanthropy will be out soon in Hogwarts. Dumbledore will need to expel him eventually. Marauders will fall apart.  What did you do, Sirius ?" 

No words would suffice as Sirius' clarification. Nothing or no one could deny the fact that Moony and Padfoot will fall apart.


	4. Falling out of love.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James POV

A lot had happened in the following three days. Remus hadn't woken up yet, Dumbledore had called Sirius, Snape and me to his office where I had explained the event, Sirius was awarded with a month of detention while Snape was insisted to make an Unbreakable Vow with Dumbledore to never let slip of Remus' lycanthropy. McGonagall had scolded Sirius for his incautious behavior. 

"Mr. Black, you have to change yourself." That had been the seal of her never ending scolding to him. 

None of us had talked to Sirius. I didn't feel like talking to him. There was no use of it either. Whatever had happened has happened. It was dealt with, but not entirely. There was dread in the air, the horror of telling Remus the truth. Peter had suggested that Sirius should be the one to come clean to Remus. 

"Let's see what he will tell to Moony." Peter and I were sitting in the Great Hall at lunch, whereas Sirius was sitting at the most corner of the table, all alone by himself, eating nothing.  Why was he here then?

"Yeah, you are right." I had replied to Peter. We were going to visit Remus after the lunch since Pomfrey had told us that he was awake now. Sirius had been going down to the infirmary secretly in the evening. He thought we didn't notice but he was half wrong because I noticed when he would be vanished in the night with my cloak, and then would return back smelling of potions and drugs. 

The lunch had been terrible. It felt as if we were gulping the food forcibly down to our stomach while the terror still lingered down there. Both of us came to a halt to where Sirius was sitting. 

"Hey." It was a terrible 'hey' to say to someone who is like a brother to you. He turned to see us, his grey eyes were dull and blood flecked. My heart dropped for a second to see him like this. However, there was a hint of surprise and hope on his face that faltered instantly as he saw our blank expressions. "We want to talk to you." 

He nodded and stood up to walk with us in the corridor. We paced quietly and Sirius didn't ask us anything during the walk. We reached the hospital Wing and stopped there. 

"Listen," I began. I had never acted so foreign towards Sirius ever in my life and it was painful right in the heart. "You should be the one to tell Remus what had happened." 

I witnessed Sirius' face becoming white as if all of the blood had suddenly sucked out of him. he began shaking his head, tears welling in his eyes. It was  very, very painful, but I didn't show a hint of any sort of concern or pity. 

"You have to." I said, clenching my teeth to show my anger. I had to. He stared at me for a few seconds as if he was making a double-check of whether I was the real James or not. Truth to be told, I was not the real James anymore. I was broken, and so were the Marauders. 

After a lingering silence, Sirius looked down and nodded defeatedly. I didn't think for another second and walked into the Hospital Wing, leading the both of them. 

To our surprise, Remus was beaming. I had never seen him smile after waking up from any full moon, worse or not. I couldn't believe my ears when I heard what he had spoken as his first word after seeing us. 

"Pads..." He was smiling ever so broadly. 

_Did he know everything and had understood the story otherwise?_

I saw him holding out his fragile, scarred hand for him. I had said that before and I said it again in my head that I had never seen Remus brimming up with such ecstacy that reflected in his twinkling amber eyes. I turned to see Sirius who was as white as a ghost. The tears began to stream down his face. His face was crumpled and he began sobbing violently. Remus was suddenly shocked that almost made him jump from the bed so that he could reach the trembling Sirius. His eyes turned fully concerned and he was exchanging glances with me and Peter. 

"C'mere..." He said and Sirius shook his head. Remus looked torn. "Hey I'm fine. Come here please." 

He thought that Sirius was crying because of his condition. He turned to me and I suddenly jerked up out of the perplexity in the air. "James, tell him it's okay." 

"It is not okay, Moony." I replied and Remus frowned. I met Sirius' gaze which already stared back helplessly. "Sirius...just tell him." I wanted to get this over with. Just let the band-aid scratch out, heedless to what could come next, either revealing a wound, or blood pooling out of it. 

Remus was utter confused and worried. 

"I'm sorry. I am so sorry, Moony." 

"Pads, I'm not angry at you if you hurt my wolf form." Remus chuckled weakly, "I am not, unless you are okay, Love."  Love?  Remus was being extra sweet to him which was just all so puzzling. 

"No, no, no" Sirius was weeping like he had never wept before. "You don't deserve me. You don't deserve me in your life. You don't know...God...Remus, please I didn't do this on purpose. I would never do such thing on purpose. I could never hurt you. You're my life." He whispered harshly. 

"I know dear..." 

"I told him." Sirius was now not meeting his eyes. "I told Snape." 

Remus' face was unreadable all of a sudden. He sat there frozen, speechless and horrified. He cleared his throat and asked, "What do you mean?" 

"I told Snape about the Whomping Willow...He knows about you...He-He saw you...He-" 

"That's enough, Sirius." I had to intervene because what he didn't know was that Remus had begun trembling, his expressions seemed extremely distraught since his face had become emotionless. 

My hands turned ice cold and sweaty, yet I handled the situation by not letting Remus rip Sirius off infront of us. I saw Wormtail squirming with fear while Sirius seemed shocked as if he didn't anticipated Remus to react this way. To me, he hadn't reacted enough. 

I put a comforting on Remus' shoulder but he jerked away by a harsh shrug. 

"What happened?" He clenched his teeth and asked bitterly to me with burning eyes that half convinced me that I was looking into a wolf's eyes. Firstly I stammered but then told him the whole story. I had been repeating this incident over and over again. 

"You saved Snape?" Remus asked, once I had finished telling everything to him. I nodded. "Thankyou." Out of all responses I expected from him, a thanks was not it. 

However, the fury was still dancing in his eyes. I could sense him infuriated, even though he wasn't shouting or yelling because it was so unlike him. He just stayed quiet, looking down, studying his scarred hands. My heart was beating very furiously inside. I didn't know what was going to happen next until it started very rapidly. 

"Enjoyed your prank, did you?" Remus was still looking down. 

"Moony-" 

"Don't! Just don't call me that." He finally looked up, glaring with tearful eyes at Sirius who also looked extremely wounded by his words. It was indeed the most devastating moment to witness. "I thought-I thought, out of all people, you will never throw my trust away..." 

I wanted to console him when I heard his voice become hoarse as he began sobbing. 

"Remus...I could never..." Sirius began, "It was a just a stupid mistake! I didn't realise-" 

"WHEN DO YOU EVER!? WHEN DO YOU EVER REALISE!?" 

Peter and I jumped at the howl. 

"YOU HATE SNAPE! THATS EXACTLY WHY YOU DID THIS, HUH?" 

"No, it was not intentional, Remus!" Sirius stepped closer to hold his hand but he flinched away furiously. "Remus, please! Snape knew already!" 

"Woah! I just caught you in a lie!" Remus grinned maniacally, "You said you told him and now you're saying Snape knew previously?" 

"YES! I mean no, he had his suspi-" He stopped abruptly. He looked down hopelessly. "I have no excuse." 

I could see Remus' hand shaking and he was fisting them to keep them from trembling too much. His chest heaving. I was wishing that he didn't have a panic attack. 

After a brief silence which felt too prolonged, Remus spoke again, "Maybe you didn't ever love me...I was just a fool to think that..." 

I was suspecting something that I thought I could never. My questions were maybe being answered. 

I saw Sirius' eyes go the widest. He immediately fell into Remus' lap. He was grabbing his hands but Remus was continuously hurling them away. 

"Please...please...I love you, I do love you. I always have, Moony....Please." Sirius was kissing Remus' hand and he let him. He looked completely dejected, tears unstoppably escaping his eyes. "You have to believe me...Moony, please, love..." 

Remus kept shaking his head. "No, no. You are a completely different person to me now." 

I looked at them crying with pain. I knew what they were and what they had been. Maybe I had always known but never accepted. Sirius and Remus had fallen in love with each other. 

Sirius stood up, wiping his tears. 

"Get out of my sight, Sirius." That was when Sirius sauntered out of the Hospital and Remus had a breakdown.


	5. It kills to be lonely.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius and Remus POVs.

March was fading away as the wind became less breezier. I stared out of the balcony of the Astronomy Tower. This happened to be my favorite place since the day I stepped in Hogwarts. My first night had been horrible which was when I found this place. I had been aware of the true colors of my family that night in the mere version of a letter, which strongly discredited my value as a heir of the Black Family for being sorted into Gryffindor. That sorting ceremony might had been a great achievement for everyone but for me, it was a loss of a family. 

It had been a week since I had lost my Hogwarts family. A family that included a brother like James, a fun-loving friend like Peter and a sweet lover like Remus, which all pretty much summed up the loss of everything. 

I didn’t go to the Great Hall because I feared that I would either faint right way or worse, have a panic attack which I have had twice in a week. The heart-breaking part was that a certain third-year Hufflepuff had consoled me by conjuring a glass of water, than having my friends around me to overcome the panic arresting my insides, leaving me numb and listless. I had apologized for straight seven days, and today was the eighth day and no one had even lifted up their heads to respond, pretending that I was invisible to the three of them. 

OWLs were approaching and I had decided already that I won't be awarded anywhere near Os and Es. That could be a good way to punish myself even more in exchange to what I had done to my friends, to my family, to the Marauders. 

I made a promise to myself while sitting on the ledge of the balcony, with my legs dangling, giving me ideas to just close my eyes and let the leap make the decision of my dejected life. I promised to myself that I would make myself convinced completely that I was not a Marauder, not a non-biological brother of James, not an intimidating friend to Peter and surely not a boyfriend of Remus. I hopped off the ledge and laid on the concrete, cold floor and, while staring at the beautiful dark sky and the luminous stars glimmering in it. I desperately wanted the sleep to drift me away from the world filled with compunction. 

_"Enjoyed your prank, did you?"_

_YOU ALMOST MADE REMUS A MURDERER YOU FUCKING TRAITOR!"_

_What did you do, Sirius?"_

_What did you do, Sirius?"_

_What did you do, Sirius?" Another voice. Regulus' voice._

_"You left me there all alone! You selfish person!"_

_"You are a disgrace to the Noble House of Black!" Walburga's voice._

_"You are no son of mine!" Orion's voice._

_"Maybe you didn't ever love me...."_

And I wished at the shooting star that one day I didn't have to live anymore. 

* * *

"Remus, dear, you do not deserve to be expelled." 

Dumbledore had said when he had called me to his office few hours after I was bombarded with a news that I was betrayed by my loving boyfriend, the love of my life and my only best friend in the group. Honestly, never had James ever taken that status in our five years of togetherness. He had been my first and I thought could have been the last of being my everything in this world. I felt guilty when Dumbledore had indebted me again by retrieving his action of doing what's logical. I had not been expelled. Something that I deserved. Dumbledore had given me the life I thought I'd never be capable to live. 

A week had passed away where my night was without sneaking into Sirius' bed and then waking up early in the morning to go back to my bed before James and Peter could take heed that my bed had been vacant for the entire night. I didn't want to miss my treacherous love of life, but I think it was in my blood; to love someone so sincerely and completely. I'd’ve rather let him to make me his property, I would have been still his, possessively his. Now I was lying on my bed, internally asking questions to Sirius:  _Why did you have to do this? Why did you have to ruin us?_

I hadn't seen him since a week, except in the classrooms with a certain student who'd drooled over him if it was a girl, or grimaced if it was a boy. I didn't want to love him at all, but like I said, it was in my blood to love him.  _What do I do? Detoxify myself or become a Vampwolf? It isn't even worth thinking darkly with humor,_ I said to myself. 

"Remus?" James' sleepy voice.  _How did he know I was awake_ ,  I thought to myself. 

"Yes?" I drew out the curtain away to reveal a yawning James. 

"I can't sleep." 

_What should I do then? Sing him a lullaby? Kiss him goodnight? He's not Sirius! Oh definitely it is not him! I wouldn't dream of doing any of those things to him now! God! Why can I not get him out of my head! Its been a week, damnit!_

"Uh...drink a sleeping potions?" 

"I don't have one." He said plainly. It was getting awkward. I didn't want to be impolite either. "Can I sleep with you?" I was suddenly taken aback. For the past 4 months, I hadn't slept alone so I also needed someone. 

"Yeah sure..." I moved to make some space on my left where James laid quietly. A cynical disillusion was radiating from him as his back faced my front. 

"You're not okay, are you?" I knew he wasn't asleep so I asked him. 

"Are you?" He asked and I sighed deeply, feeling emptiness in the pit of my stomach. 

"I think you know the answer to that question." I replied. 

"Likewise." He turned to my direction. His eyes were sorrowfully hazel just like autumn. Beautiful and sad. I knew that he was grieving the loss of his brother, a non biological brother. However, his eyes were staring me as if searching for something. I began to feel a tad uncomfortable when he asked me what I almost forgot that the Marauders had known for a solid week, and stayed quiet in respect. 

"How long you guys were a thing?" He asked. My tongue was suddenly dysfunctional and my brain was not responding at all. "You didn't tell us. He didn't tell me. Why?" 

We laid in a brief silence, in which I kept clearing my throat or sniffling, while He kept his gaze locked with me. 

"He wanted to..." I finally began, "but I stopped him..." 

"You're gay?" He asked and then he murmured an apology in his breath. I heard him and didn't take offence. 

"I don't know...I just fell in love..." I really didn't want to talk about it. I wanted to hate Sirius Black. 

"Fell?" He asked worriedly. I chose to remain silent. I didn't know. I didn't know lots of things. I didn't know why Sirius had to act so dumb in his life? Why he had used me as a weapon in front of Snape? Why didn't he protect me? Why didn't he love me as much as I loved him? Why hadn't he known the depth of my love for him, which suddenly exchanged to nothingness and unfeelingness. 

Peter had seen him sneaking out early in the morning from the dorm one day to God knows where, otherwise he was never seen. We had stayed awake till 2 AM in the dorms but we hadn't seen Sirius come in. I had laid sleepless till 4 AM and still a no-show. 

"Moony?" James said with a despondent voice that made gave strength to my pain and, out of the blue, I was embraced by James as I sobbed violently in someone's warmth for the first time after the incident. I cried and I cried, and I didn't remember when I stopped because the sleep came fastly associated with James' warmth, and took me away dreamlessly.


	6. A hope to live.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius realizes the importance of Regulus in his life.

Second week, and still Lily glared him during the classes, sitting with a lost Remus. James didn't meet his eyes as he walked past Sirius, accompanying Peter with him. 

Sirius had finally started going down the Great Hall after how Mcgonacall had scolded him for being inactive in the class. He had seen a little concern lingering in her eyes but he had brushed it off as his imagination because it was rare for someone to be concern to him. However, Regulus had started appearing frequently in front of Sirius but he couldn't help but ignore him. 

He was exiting the Great Hall after lunch when he felt someone walking behind him. His eyes had taken a glimpse of green robes as he looked down to his shoulder. 

"Sirius..." Regulus' voice. It sounded reluctant. Sirius turned to look at him who tentatively smiled at him but Sirius didn't return it. 

"Hey." He replied. 

"How are you?" He asked in a pitiful voice. Sirius could endure anything but pity. He rolled his eyes and decided to avoid the question. 

"Why are you here?" Sirius asked. 

"Looking after you." Regulus clenched his teeth under the mouth, bruising his ego in between, "You should be thankful." 

"I don't need your pity, Reg." Sirius pushed past his shoulder and started walking away, but Regulus followed his pace. 

"Sirius, you are a wreck! What happened? You could tell me!" Sirius began walking faster in the corridor. "Why did your friends leave you? The same friends you chose over your real family! huh? What was that worst you did that made them hate you this much!? They left you this miserable," Sirius thought if Regulus didn't stop he would have to bear the worst.  Why was he not seeing his crumpled face? 

"What did you do? A murder? I don't think so. A fucking Gryffindor wouldn't do such a thing! Face it, Sirius, they cannot be your family, they cannot be your blood-" And he had done it as panic attack finally gripped Sirius. He thought that the air stopped being supplied in his lungs, his chest stiffening. He suddenly collasped on the floor. 

"Sirius!" Regulus gasped as he caught his arms. 

"Could you-you...not...be here-" Sirius grunted between his heavy breathing. Regulus didn't obey him as he knelt down towards him silently. Sirius was strongly trying to concentrate on breathing properly but his chest was acting against it. He could see the worry in his brother's eyes, identical grey eyes that shone at him with pain. Sirius' brain was getting dizzy and suddenly he felt Regulus move behind him as he seated himself before Sirius' back. He gently pulled his trembling body to his chest, while rubbing his shoulders. 

"Come on, breathe with me." He said in his ear. Sirius felt a gush of brotherly love in his heart as he felt his brother's heart pounding in his back. He tried following the pace of Regulus' heartbeat, as he constantly kept grazing Sirius' arms and shoulders. "Yeah that's right. You're doing great." Regulus kept whispering encouragingly in his brother's ear until his breathing started becoming even. 

They both sat quietly and Sirius relaxed in his brother's embrace, leaning a little more into his warmth. It was hard to believe that Regulus who had been a taciturn and a serious-face person, was the one now holding him, his face buried in Sirius' jet black hair. Sirius was internally paying gratitude for having his brother back. Their relationship had strained the day Regulus came to Hogwarts when Sirius was in his second year, and he saw his brother being entirely heedless of his presence in the school. Since that day, Regulus parted gradually away from his brother to the part where they couldn't even smile if their eyes met in the Great hall. Sirius had not shown it but he had been hurt very much when in his fourth year Regulus hadn't replied him when asked how he was doing. 

"You stink." Regulus broke the silence that was very peaceful. The same peace-filled silence that they had when they both laid in one bed together, staring at the ceiling charmed with luminous stars floating there, before going to Hogwarts. 

Sirius huffed out a laugh. That was true that Sirius stunk because he hadn't had taken a shower for a week because he was too embarrassed to keep the bathroom occupied for a long time. They were contracted from one hour to 5 minutes, or never having a shower at all. Everything had been changed and so was Sirius' shower routines. 

The both brothers were sitting on the corner of the corridor in the mid-day, completely, paying no heed that anyone could interrupt them, but no one did. 

"You tell me what happened, Sirius." He ordered softly as if he was the elder brother of him which made Sirius smile.  God, he's grown up! No matter how little age difference they had, Sirius had always seen him as his tiny, little brother. 

"You know you'll be the death of me..." Sirius sarcastically mumbled, earning a vibration of chuckle from his behind. 

"Why do you act like you're a hundred years older than me?" 

"And why do you not accept that I'm still older, kidoo?" Sirius felt warmth spreading in his body. After almost two weeks, he had felt happy. A happiness of having a loved one in such an unfair life. 

"Okay then, elder brother, lets get up from here before students question our complicated relationship." Sirius laughed as they both got, hitting each other playfully. 

"Where do you wanna start?" Sirius asked solemnly. 

"First I wanna go to your secret hideaway where you mop every single night." Regulus replied which made the later to turn in surprise.  How did he know? "To the Tower that literally sums up our identification, you know what I mean?" They looked at each other and then bursted into laughter. 

"So, you still come up with stupid jokes?" Sirius elbowed him as they began walking to the Astronomy Tower. 

"Well atleast I made you laugh." And then realization dawned upon him that he hadn't laughed since two weeks which seemed like forever. His own brother had given him those happy feelings which had felt so foreign to him lately. He couldn't be more grateful. He felt full now. Regulus was enough for him. He didn't need anyone now.  _Maybe blood family are the real family. Maybe if mother and father can love me too if I try to be a good son? I can beg a chance for them for sake of living in this life._

An hour had passed as the sun was sinking down the ocean of orange mixing with blue, forming a salmon colored partition in the horizon. The two Black brothers witnessed the beauty of the Astronomy Tower while Sirius told him what actually happened. Regulus was nothing but loyal, that Sirius had known and seen in him and he was the best secret-keeper anyone could have the fortune to be brothers with. He told him that he was gay and was in love with Remus Lupin even after he had stopped being friends with him. He told him that he had betrayed the love of his life unintentionally because of Snape. He had told him how badly he was suffering with guilt and loneliness. However, what he didn't tell him was the fact that Remus was a werewolf. 

"It's okay if you don't want to tell me what Snape was after that involved Lupin, but you know you can tell me anything." Regulus said to his brother who seemed deeply broken. 

"I know, Reg, but its someone else's secret. I'm sorry but I wouldn't mess up with their privacy." Sirius replied and the later nodded obediently. They both sat in silence for a brief minutes, relishing the winds of April blowing odd solitude within. 

"Don't apologize for something that you never meant to commit." Regulus spoke suddenly and sternly. 

"Reg, but I did commit, intentionally or not, I did this." 

"Yeah but you've apologize every single day to them!" The younger brother argued, "And what now? You keep pouring showers of apologies on them while they don't even acknowledge your presence. Is that what you want?" 

Every single words hit like daggers at Sirius' heart and he realized how much miserable this had all been. 

"And what about Potter?" Regulus spat indignantly, "He tried to be my substitute in your life. Well, for your information, he's failing very much successfully." Sirius looked at his brother and there was pure agony displaying on his face. 

"Let me tell you one thing, Sirius," Regulus continued as he hopped off the ledge and grasped his brother by his shoulder, staring his grey eyes into Sirius' solemnly, "You don't get to make people to love you or have you in their lives. If you really mean something to them, they'll come to you. You don't need to lose your respect over it. That's not what a Black would-" 

He stopped abruptly and Sirius' face turned apprehensive.  That's not what a Black would do. Painful memories flooded back and Sirius shrugged away from his brother's grasp, turning his back on him. 

"Look," Regulus sighed, "I am sorry what I said. I know that mother and father hadn't been nice to you but you know they love you." 

"Love me?" Sirius hissed at him, turned to murderously glare at him, "What kind of a sick family would love their son even after almost killing him for good?" 

_Crucio!_

His mother had exclaimed and then the pain was excruciating. Sirius had tried forgetting the incident at home, about which he hadn't told to the Marauders, but it still lingered as he never stopped seeing the recaps of it in his nightmares. The Cruciatus curse felt to him like standing between life and death, where a veil filled with unimaginable pain. The curse had felt like being stuck in the veil, neither embracing death nor returning back to life. 

"But I love you." Regulus said, taking Sirius' mind off the worst memory of his life. He didn't say anything for a while but then he finally looked at the younger version of himself and felt a little sympathetic towards him as he registered the fact that all Regulus wanted was a happy, united family which wasn't happening because of Sirius. Regulus had suffered emotionally and had matured before Sirius. He stepped closer, taking his younger brother in his arms to hug him earnestly. They both sighed into each other's shoulder, smelling like family. 

"Love you too, brother." Sirius murmured into his robes. It was nice to feel physical warmth right now, especially from his brother. After every hard day, Sirius had gone to Remus without explaining what had happened to him because Remus gave the best cuddles in the world, but now everything had shattered. 

The dinner was not as terrible as expected because Regulus kept passing him comforting smiles and nods from the Slytherin Table, that spoke the gesture of 'I'm here for you'. Sirius had his eyes on his brother sitting among the people he hated: Mulciber, Lucius, Narcissa and Snape. Sirius tried not to sneer at Snape who was fortunately not looking at him. Apart of that, the eating became bearable until his eyes wandered on his own table and found James Potter staring at him longingly. He quickly looked away, pretending to adjust his glasses and ruffling his untidy hair. Sirius took a quick glance at the Marauders who seemed abnormally quiet. Peter was not as much focused on his pie as he should have been, James was not ecstatically wooing Evans, and Remus was being Remus, eating silently with discipline. Sirius knew that he was not okay because he still had the perfect observation to read his ex-lover's face and his movements. Remus was constantly cupping the back of his neck while taking each bite of the pie, and then moving his hand to rub his jaw, looking extremely nervous. Seeing that, Sirius lost his apetite after two or three bites of his salad. He looked down on his full plate and he was internally gagging while having to imagine to put all of that in his stomach. He planned to flee from the Great hall as unsettling feeling began in him but someone tapped him on his shoulder from his behind. He turned and saw blonde curls, blue eyes which featured with the dark circle below them. 

"Marlene..." He whispered, being a little unsure if she had also began to despise him like Lily and other girls had began. However, she gave him a weak smile. 

"Can I sit with you?" She asked timidly. 

"Yes, of course." Sirius happily complied by scooting a little to the left as they both sat together, shoulders bumping with each other. They had both dated each other in the past and broken up because of their too much fierce relationship. Marlene was the facsimile version of Sirius. If he was angry at her, then Marlene was just as much angry at him for it, which made them incompatible to be in relationship. However, they had broken up mutually, staying just as comforting to each other as they were in their relationship. 

Sirius could sense that Marlene was also not having the best days of her life but he was happy to have her beside him.


	7. When the Moon howled.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus finally tells Sirius off.

Going to bed was becoming tormenting as the panorama of the past days enrolled before Remus Lupin whilst staring the canopy of his four poster bed, dejectedly, letting the few tears to escape his amber eyes. 

"I am a werewolf, Lily." Remus had told him when Lily had practically begged him to tell the reason for breaking up with Sirius. 

Only Lily had known about their secret relationship before the incident happened. 

"Remus...I know you are, and I don't care. I still love you as my very own brother no matter what. Lycanthropy is not going to change that." 

Remus recalled how Lily had wiped his tears from his face as he bawled like a baby infront of her. He had told her how Sirius had betrayed him, how James had saved Snape from the werewolf, and how he was still in love with Sirius fucking Black. 

"The problem is that I don't trust him anymore, Lily. His daily apologies seems like a lie to me." 

Lily hadn't replied but hugged him with her sincerity until the fire had died away in the empty common room that night.

Remus laid in his bed when his werewolf ears were alerted by a certain movement. The dorm room opened, bringing a whiff of Firewhiskey and... sex . He then recognized the familiar scent and the heartbeat. Sirius Black was here. Remus quickly grasped his muggle watch and saw that it was 5 in the morning. A very drunk Sirius stumbled on his bed, immediately falling asleep. 

Remus felt being jabbed at his chest as he came to a realisation that why Sirius was coming late in the dorm since the past two weeks. However, this time, smelling of sex. He had hooked up with someone, which was a clear message for Remus that he had moved on finally. He had found someone else to relish, someone else to make out with, maybe someone else to love. 

"I'd never trade you for anything in the world. I feel like you are it for me, Moony." 

Remus shut his eyes in pain at the memory when Sirius was lying with him in the bed one night, both wearing each other's jumpers, beneath heavy blankets, where Sirius was nuzzling his face into Remus' warm neck while pressing each others' cold hands as the serene winters silence surrounded them. 

Why did you lie to me, Sirius? Why are you still lying by giving fake apologies? When have you ever spoken the truth? 

Remus wanted to cry but it was almost crack of dawn and he needed some sleep. He was going to have to wake up after 2 hours to revise the the syllabus of History of Magic for the upcoming OWLs, which were only two weeks away. Remus wanted to scream at being too much burdenised this year with the OWLs, his physical affliction which was going to be without Padfoot this month, his friend's betrayal, his undying love distracting him from studies and  just Sirius . This was too much to be in his plate. He flopped down on his bed aggressively to fall asleep instantly. 

It was 6:55 AM, Remus' eyes were still staring the same canopy of his bed. His eyelids were heavy but the sleep didn't come. The tears had made a line from falling continuously from his eyes into his hair. The dorm was emitted with the light blue sky where the sunrise had begun. He heard James slipping from his bed and pausing in front of his bed drawn shut with the curtain. Remus sat up and open them to reveal a very shocked James. He was looking at Sirius on his bed, lying flat on his stomach, in the same position Remus had seen him collapse at 5 AM. 

"What's wrong with him?" James whispered his hoarse voice. Remus was still feeling a new anger from another betrayal from Sirius. It was not technically a betrayal if Sirius had slept with someone else but for Remus, it was. He rolled his eyes in annoyance but James narrowed his eyes at him, studying his face. "You didn't sleep the whole night, did you?" 

Remus felt guilty for not listening to James' everyday pep talk. He just shook his head and walked to the bathroom. He took a shower, shaved, brushed his teeth, not paying heed to his roommates coming in and out for their routine showers and changing. He came out in his school's trousers only, to find that the dorm had emptied and Sirius was there buttoning his shirt. Ever since the incident, they both hadn't been left alone in the dorm because, according to James, they'd either kill each other or Remus would just kill himself for freeing himself from Sirius. 

Remus tried to look away but his black hair were still wet, dripping into his eyes. It was the most beautiful yet painful sight to witness. He was reminded that it had been more than two weeks of being strangers to each other. Remus shook the thoughts off his mind and headed towards his bed to wear his shirt and tie. He was suddenly aware that he was standing half-naked infront of his ex-lover. 

"Remus." Sirius broke the uncomfortable silence.  Nope, still won't respond. How dare he made out with someone else? He's my-nothing? 

"Remus, please, just listen to me."  No, I won't listen to you. He wore his shirt and started buttoning it very nonchalantly, also dreading that Sirius could see his shaky hands from the reflection of the mirror. 

"Remus, don't forgive but just listen to me for once." 

Remus faltered his pace of getting ready, he kept the tie around his neck, and turned to finally meet Sirius' pleading face. 

"Remus, your silence is killing me...please just-" Sirius reached forward but Remus backed one step away instantly.  And your presence is killing me!

"Alright," Remus finally spoke, "Let's see what you have to say." 

"Remus, you have to know that I didn't outed you on purpose infront of Snape." It was surprise to know that he didn't say Snivellus. "It was a slip of a tongue. I never mentioned you in our heated conversation. He knew about you. Remus, you even knew that  I was gay! " Remus tried not to react but he felt a little bad for him. "He just tried to coax me into telling the path towards you. I wasn't thinking that he could really pass the Whomping Willow-" 

"That's the problem, Sirius!" Remus interjected. "You don't  think ! You don't  think before you doing something. You don’t think about the consequences of your actions!" Sirius seemed as if he was struck by a stunning charm. Remus came closer to him, boring his deadly glare into those feared grey eyes, "Was I just a mere person in your life that you could just play with? Was I not that important enough to make you think twice before handling a dispute involving me? Couldn't you just keep your anger to protect the path towards me? Answer me!" 

"No..you are very important to me, Remus." His voice was heavy as his eyes were welling up with tears. 

" Lies !" Remus hurled past him. He was also at the verge of crying. "You always lie! Wonder how many things you said, those many things you promised were all true!" He was eventually crying now. The flashbacks of days filled with love and cuddles kept flickering in his brain. He was looking at Sirius and asking himself if he was really the only person he had fell in love with. 

"Remus-I swear to God-I never meant to hurt you..." Sirius spoke between his sobs. 

"Well, maybe not, but now that you've done what you've done, I will never trust you!" Remus was speaking in a raised voice that he had never used on anyone before. Sirius' face turned white, he was digging nails in his palms. 

"Please don't mean that..." He murmured while his face completely deadpanned, tears streaming down endlessly. 

"Here's what's gonna happen now; You won't come with your fake apologies to me now because everything about you is  fake . You and I? We're done." Remus was fuming with a blind rage as he picked his satchel, his tie still dangling around his neck and stormed out of the dorm. 

He was running down the stairs, ignoring James, Peter and Lily standing by the dorm room. He needed some air. He had drained all of his frustration out but his heart just felt heavier. The feeling of being hurt were now coming back in a vicious way. It was guilt.


	8. Friend to Friend, Heart to Heart.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marlene will be there for Sirius.

The pillows felt lumpy on the left side as Sirius laid on his bed to try to sleep his growing pain away. It had been the worst day for Sirius since the incident because finally Remus had  spoken which Sirius thought was going to make things better, but he was wrong. 

He had panic attack the second Remus had stormed out of the room, but luckily Marlene had reached before a terrified James could approach him. Sirius had bonded with Marlene since few days as they would go to the Astronomy Tower to pour their hearts out, to vent out by deep talks, and to be each other's comfort. Marlene had been relating with him since Dorcas, her secret girlfriend, had broken up with her because Marlene had caved in when coming out to their parents. Dorcas had felt humiliated and embarrassed in front of Marlene's parents who were friends with Dorcas' and were invited to dinner, which was soon ruined by half-coordinated 'coming out' situation. 

The break-up had left Marlene completely destructed because she was in love with Dorcas. Sirius had comforted her by telling her his miserable break-up with Remus, and they both ended up drinking alot and dancing...and taking their sexual frustration out on each other eventually, but fortunately that hadn't ruined their friendship because they only had each other to survive such a painful life. 

Sirius lifted up his head and pulled out the lump beneath the pillow which was his blue leather journal he hadn't seen since the incident. He sighed as he skimmed through the pages and stopped at the last time he had written in it. 

_22nd of March, 1976,_

_The day is shiny, or as Moony would say exuberant. My dear Moony. If I had to trade him with the eternal happiness, I wouldn't. I would never because he is already the heart of my beautiful life._

_Moony doesn't know how much I adore our relationship. I am kind of proud of myself to be in a committed place where I don't feel like running or fretting, where I just want to submit myself to a specific person. I never thought I would make it to this place. I never thought I would be capable of loving someone so much. I'm glad that it is someone who is my best friend, my roommate, my everything. I feel the new feelings, new urges I never thought I'd feel. I have this desperate urge to take his pain and feel it myself instead of him. I feel the urge to make him feel happy, in any case. I don't mind his book-reading now as I did before in the beginning of our relationship because I just like his face going all focused on the context, and very serious. I know its creepy but I think he knows that I stare him quite frequently because he keeps giving me his sweet smiles every minute or two in between his reading. The moon is tomorrow and it scares me like it does every time. I just don't want to think about Moony's physical affliction because the desperate urge begins in me to take the pain away from him so that he can live a happy and normal life. A life where he doesn't have to become something else and then bears the consequences. My Moony is so pure and sweet to be cursed with lycanthropy. I love him so much. Its breaks my heart a little if I imagine being away from him. Oh speak of the angel-_

A tear rolled down Sirius' cheeks as he recalled the moment when Remus had arrived in the common room and he had stop writing and hid his journal from his boyfriend. He sadly smiled as he picked up the quill from the nightstand. He dipped it in the ink and made an arrow towards the date mentioned on the top of the paragraph, and scribbled down the following. 

_And then the other day, we were over._

He just blankly stared at the what he had written, thinking of how dump and lovesick Sirius was, who had written those happy words, really thought that his Moony would stay in his cursed life. He placed a silencing charms around his draped bed incase he screamed in his nightmare and disturbed his roommates. 

Marlene was sitting in the Great Hall, the next morning, waiting for Sirius so that they could have their breakfast together. She had become his only way to smile when they saw each other. Sirius ran towards her and quickly gave her a peck on the cheek before sitting with her without any awkwardness and hesitation from the night they had had made out on the Astronomy Tower. He liked how Marlene didn't question him about that particular night. Truth was that Sirius was not attracted to Marlene at all, and that is what made him sure that he was gay. Marlene was a catch amongst the girls in Hogwarts. She had an enticing personality but Sirius knew that she had the softest heart out of all people he knew. 

"So, how are you?" She asked, smiling at him. Her smile was very heart-breaking that Sirius reached forward and pecked her cheek again a little longer than before, which earned him a chuckle from her. "Okay, you need to stop doing that, I can practically feel Remus fuming across the table." 

"He doesn't care about me." Sirius said in matter-of-factly. 

"Well, the fact that you're gay...is something that would make him less jealous for you kissing  me ." 

"Let's not talk about him." Sirius gulped down the last of his sip of pumpkin juice. 

"Then what? Talk about Dorcas?" She said bitterly, playing with her food. 

"We don't need to talk about them. Come on, eat your breakfast." 

"Ha! You're the one to talk..." She scoffed. 

"Marls..." Sirius cooed, "Hey, look at me." And she did, reluctantly. "We need to move on. We can't just sulk all of our lives." Sirius knew that whatever he said was only partly-meant because moving on meant giving up his love of life. It was not easy to just do it. 

"We can't date each other. Last night if I weren't that drunk I would have puked on you when you-" 

"Marlene!" Sirius stopped her before she said something obscene on the table around the students. "I definitely didn't mean each other. And for your information, I can remember I had my eyes closed during it." 

"Oh shut up! That night was a total blur." 

"Yeah, we were just contenting ourselves a little..." 

"Yeah." 

A brief silence fell between them until they broke into fits of laughter. 

"Oh god! We are stupid!" Marlene wiped a tear that came out while laughing. Sirius grinned back as he began eating his buttered toast. 

"We should start dating other people." Sirius said coolly. 

"I'm sorry  what ?" Marlene made a surprised face. 

"You don't think so?" 

"No, its not what you said. Its actually  you said it." She chuckled, "I mean just the other day you were trying to explain how Remus' hair looks in sunlight and creates a halo, making him look like a saint." 

Sirius felt a sickening feelings in the pit of his stomach.  I had hope. Now I have no hope.

"Well, good thing that we finally argued." He looked away from her, "I don't want to have any hopes." 

She looked at him with concern and she whispered soothingly, "You know, you never talked about it to me." She put her hand on his, "I didn't want to push you yesterday after you had a panic attack." 

Panic attacks , actually. They were coming often. Marlene didn’t know that Sirius had a second panic attack the same day in the bathroom. Luckily no one was in the dorm to hear him breathing heavy. 

He chose not to answer her as his eyes wandered around to the table to see James just staring at his food, while Peter was staring sadly straight towards Sirius. 

Suddenly, he felt his stomach disappear. He looked away but he glanced again to see Peter still staring at him, smiling weakly at him. Sirius thought he was hallucinating. He completely looked away from him and started shoving his buttered toast in his mouth which was taking forever to finish. 

"Sirius..." Sirius almost forgot that Marlene was sitting next to him. He felt dazed and the room was feeling a little too shallow. He could practically feel Peter staring at him with pity. His friends who were now just roommates to him, were quite shaken by the immediate breakdown of Sirius after Remus had finally talked. Lily was giving him apologizing stares instead of glares. 

Sirius hummed to Marlene who rested her head on his shoulder and he sighed at the warm feeling there and wrapped an arm around her back. 

"I like your idea about dating other people," She murmured in his shoulder, "But we can't act being unlike us. I mean I can't date a guy...can you date a girl?" 

"Who said anything about becoming unlike ourselves." Sirius said half-heartedly but Marlene was intrigued as she lifted up head and gave him her mischievous smile that he loved. He really liked her but every time he stared at her longer he was reminded that he didn't like her that way. However, there was a tiny secret he was hiding inside his heart that he didn't even want to accept to himself. Every physical touch of her, every warm words that escaped out of her mouth, made Sirius want to imagine that it was Remus doing that to him. Her hugs were not as warm as him but Sirius wanted to pretend that he was being hugged by Remus, touched by Remus and Remus only. Sirius groaned internally at his sanity level which seemed to be stumbling in weird places without Remus in his life. Even though, he was pushed away by him, in fact jerked away by his harsh words and thundering voice but Sirius could never stop loving him. That was the fact and there was no escaping from it. 

"I love you, Sirius." Marlene whispered. 

The grip of his hand on her back tightened. He could feel the pain in her voice. There was a part of her that was maybe also imagining him as Dorcas. He smiled at her with empathy, wondering how long they were going to wait for being loved back again. 

"I love you, too Marls." He kissed her head, completely unaware of the people gawking at them being so close to each other.


	9. The Star has come out.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day marauders decided to forgive Sirius didn't turn out the way they expected, completely changing their course of action.  
> Peter's POV.

It was almost a month since that; April was befalling as the summers began their preparations to set in. OWLs were only a week away. Moon was tomorrow, marking the anniversary of the day when Sirius was kicked out the group. The Marauders were completely unaware of each other. Peter had realized that shutting out Sirius was just as meaningless as Lockhart's hair. He just observed his friends becoming miserable day by day; James was not his energetic self anymore, Remus was not talking much because he was studying for OWLs, Lily was also studying with the group of Remus, Dorcas and Alice, and Sirius was frequently seen with Marlene every now and then. The rumors had spread in Hogwarts like a fire set in the jungle, that they were dating all over again. James didn't believe it though, which, Peter thought, wasn't hard to believe. Back in fourth year, everyone in the school had found Sirius and Marlene as the best couple. 

Few things had changed: Sirius hadn't apologize since the altercation with Remus. He had been coming back to the dorm very nonchalantly, just like he used to before the incident. He didn't seem as tentative as he had become after the fight with the Marauders. Sirius and Regulus were frequently seen communicating in the corridors. Sirius had started smoking on regular basis up on the roof of the Gryffindor Tower. However, out of all things, one thing hadn't changed about Sirius Black : His enmity with Snape. Remus said that Sirius should've apologize to Snape but James had disagreed because it was going to make them look vulnerable. 

Peter sat with Remus and James on the table in the common room, studying soundly while also glancing at Sirius in his leather jacket, sitting across the table by the fireplace with Marlene pressed against him, giggling and whispering. Peter could tell that Remus was fuming because he had a deep frown in between his eyebrows that didn't even form if he was studying the most difficult thing ever. James seemed also agitated. Peter was internally fretting as the tension in the air grew thicker until- 

_BANG!_

Remus had snapped his book on the table, startling everyone in the common room, and stomped flat-footed to the dormitory. James wore an angry look and he followed him. Peter also accompanied him. 

"What the hell is wrong with you, Moony?" James asked harshly as they all came in their dorm. 

"Nothing, Prongs!" Remus rubbed his eyes. He looked exhausted. 

"I don't understand you!" James began angrily, "You first pushed Sirius away and now you're jealous." 

Remus flopped down on his bed, covering his face with his forearms. "Its just too much..." His voice was croaked which mellowed James, as he walked towards his bed. He sat there and pried his arms away from his face to reveal his eyes leaking tears, his nose as red as a cherry. 

"Moony..." James cooed sympathetically. Peter saw Remus' chin began to tremble as he broke into forceful crying. James and Peter quickly lifted him up to wrap his arms around him. 

"I-don't know what's happening to me-" Remus hiccupped between his sobs, "OWLs are coming and I'm not prepared for it, the full moon is in four days and I'm not prepared for that either...I don't know why Sirius' new behavior is just disturbing me even he's doing what I told him to...I just-I don't know, I miss him. I just miss being myself around him-I feel guilty...I'm becoming a bad person-the wolf is taking over me...I don't sleep because every night my eyes are on his bed. I'm always stumbling on the verge of feeling terror where I think that he is out there and crying and being harsh on himself-I mean I know I'm the one who is harsh on him, I have left him there but James, I--I'm helpless..." James was gulping constantly, looking away to avoid the tears swimming in his eyes. His hand couldn't stop from rubbing Remus' back. 

Peter felt that Remus was talking of Sirius as if he was talking about his girlfriend. Now he came to think he realized that Remus never had a girlfriend before. He had always thought that he avoided having one due to his lycanthropy. 

"I know...Moony, I understand." James broke the sorrowful silence, "There is a lot on your plate right now...but you can have Sirius back-" Remus shook his head, looking hopeless, but James stressed on his point, "Hey, you can! And you can have him just as a friend, that's all, nothing else."  Nothing else?  Peter frowned but the two of the boys were completely unaware of him. 

"Do you miss him?" Remus nodded to James, "Do you love him?" Remus stayed still for a moment, but nodded while looking down. "Do you want him back as a friend?" Remus nodded again. "Then, that's it! We are forgiving him. He will be back!" Peter thought that he was seeing a beaming light, jumping with excitement. James had never looked so happy and himself before. However, Remus looked still unconvinced and Peter thought that he was right to be, because he, too, was feeling a little uncomfortable with the plan. 

"What if he doesn't?" Peter didn't realize that his words were out of his mouth until he saw the both of them turn to him with worried expression. 

"Pardon?" James seemed slightly against of the little pessimism in the air. 

"I mean, what if he doesn't want to be back? What if its too late?" Peter was practically sweating with being a difference in the opinion of a very optimistic James Potter. 

"It is not late!" James argued, "He will be back with us! He loves us! We are his only family!" 

"Well, we really have quite been like his family, haven't we?" Peter could sense the hopeless sarcasm in Remus' words. 

James suddenly reacted to his words. 

"It was not just my fault that we were exceptionally cruel and hateful towards him!" James' outrage was always the worst one to handle, because he was the only positive person in the group. "It was you!" Remus looked hurt and Peter felt as if his fear was dripping with his sweats. Only Sirius had been in the group to calm James' violent rages that came once in a blue moon. "You think I didn't suffer his absence? He did nothing to me, for fuck's sake! And I'm not talking to him! I'm the one too who is making his days terrible and his nights horrible. He is only a step away from my bed and it is all my ego and that fact that i'd be cheating on Moony if I talk to him behind his back, is what stops me from going to him and shower back all of the apologies equally back as much as he had given us. While, we being the gits we are, couldn't even lift up our heads." James laughed bitterly that was the scariest thing Peter had ever seen. "So don't you say that he won't come back because-because he will..." James voice faltered with grief, "He will come back.." 

A ringing silence washed over the three grieving friends. Peter realized that this was his time to intervene as a comfort to his friends. 

"Look, James, there is no use to blame Remus and he didn't tell us to follow his pursuit, did he?" James sadly shook his head. "We should take the responsibility of our actions. I'm taking mine. Although I was never an influence on Sirius but still-James, you should take yours. You didn't talk to him and I know why you didn't. You care for Moony. You know that he was genuinely hurt and being friends with Sirius felt like betraying Remus." 

Remus was crying silently and James was sitting on the floor. 

"Remus, hey, don't be too hard on yourself." Peter grasped his shoulder lightly, "You really act like Sirius is your ex-girlfriend." He let out a funny laugh but no one joined him.  Maybe it was not the right time. 

"Wormtail, really, thank you but how thick are you?" James said which made Remus laugh sheepishly. They both glanced at each other and James lifted up to hug him. "I'm sorry, Moony." 

"I'm sorry, too, Prongs." Remus buried his face in his shoulder. 

"Wait-wait-wait. Don't avoid me all over again. What am I missing?" Peter interjected. 

James grinned as he parted from Remus who was smiling shyly. 

"Our Moony is really not interested in _girlfriends_ , if you know what I mean..." James said coyly. 

"Yeah because Moony never likes to be in a relationship." Peter said simply. Remus groaned and fell back on his bed. 

"No, Wormy, you're just as thick as your weight!" James laughed, "Look, he is not interested in girlfriends! But yes he has been in a relationship and he loves to be in one." 

"Okay, That means he like to have relationship that are not romantic?" 

"WORMTAIL!" Remus bellowed, "I am gay!" 

Peter gasped suddenly, his hand clapped to his mouth. 

"What? And James you knew?" He exclaimed, "How do you know you're gay, Moony? How do you feel?" 

"Oh Moony vomits out rainbow instead of the smelly vial." James said sardonically. 

"Haha, Very funny, Prongs." Peter's face was deadpanned. 

"Wormy, I feel just as normal but it varies when you see a attractive bloke." Remus said. 

"Huh? So," James leaned on his shoulder, gives a devious grin, "Happened to look around any charming blokes other than Sirius Black?" 

"YOU LIKE SIRIUS!?" Peter yelped which made the both of them to jump. 

"Love, Pete, Our Moony is helplessly in love with Sirius." James smiled warmly. 

"Does he know?" Peter asked with concern which cracked up the both of them. Peter was completely in oblivion that he didn't even figure out that Remus had been in a relationship with Sirius. It was nearly mid-night when the three of them crawled down in their beds, with a little hope that they were going to Sirius back in their lives. 

The next morning, the three of them headed down for breakfast. The Great Hall was full of murmuring and whisperings as they settled down on the Gryffindor Table. Peter saw James narrowing his eyes at Remus who looked like he had seen a basilisk. 

"You know, Black's gay!" 

"What? Bugger! He's really handsome though." 

"Wait, wasn't he dating Marlene?" 

"Marlene's a lesbian! They're just friends, stupid!" 

"No wonder why Sirius never had been with a girlfriend before." 

"So, ladies, we've lost the most beautiful boy in Hogwarts!" 

"No way! We still have his brother." 

"Keep day-dreaming then. He doesn't even lift his eyes on any girl." 

Peter's eyes were fixed at Remus who seemed at a brink of fleeing the Great Hall.


	10. The heart is broken.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life is not merciful on Sirius, afterall he is Sirius.

The course of action did not turn out as expected. He and Marlene had come out to Hogwarts which resulted in gasps, looks filled with disgust and wicked laughter from the Slytherin table. Sirius had seen his roommates' faces turning pale in horror in the Great Hall, but before he had made out the meaning of Remus', Marlene had stormed out with tears rolling down from her blood-flecked eyes. He tried following her but was interrupted with bunch of Slytherins including Snape, Mulciber, Lucius and his cousin Bellatrix. They had hexed the life out of him until Mcgonacall had come, announcing them detention and taking Sirius to the hospital wing. 

"It was not sensible of you to take such actions in the middle of the Great Hall, Black." Mcgoncall had said with disappointment whilst carrying him by his left arm. Sirius had been able to walk but he knew that losing any hope was going to make him faint in a heartbeat. 

The Slytherins had broken his nose, injured his knees and gave him a black eye. He was no stranger to physical pain. However, the mental pain that had been crushing his heart was now one month old, and that was gifted to him from none other than his friends who used to be his family. He was ordered by Pomfrey to stay for a night but he didn't want to since this night was full moon and staying in the infirmary meant facing Remus' blood-soaked body in the crack of dawn. He stayed till midnight and then sneaked out of the hospital to the Gryffindor Tower, knowing that his roommates were with Remus to accompany him in the full moon. He did not want to think about Remus and the aftermath of his transformation without Padfoot. 

Sirius was injured deeply in the heart. He had no one at his worst. 

He entered the dorm and for a moment, he looked around the room which was cold and uninviting. The scarlet and gold did not bring any warmth and happiness, it was all meaningless and despairing. He went to the bathroom, dejectedly staring how his toothbrush was not in the same mug with everyone else's, how he was picked out as a useless friend and thrown away from the world where he had found his home. He felt homeless, pointless and hopeless. He eyes caught himself staring in the reflection, scanning how his fresh skin felt rotten, how his silky hair felt unimportant. Everything about Sirius had been his beauty and his rebelliously charming personality. However, as he scrutinized his mirrored self, he felt that he had never been so empty in his life. His heart was broken to the extend where mending didn't seem like an appealing idea. He realized that sorrow was all he could have in his life on this planet. He wanted to scream, he wanted to cry, he wanted to be angry. But it was going to take loads of strength from him which he had no more. 

His stomach growled as he hadn't had anything other than pumpkin juice from breakfast. He took a shower where he just stood in the cubicle like a despondent soul, letting the water rinse his stubborn pains and regrets while also allowing few tears to escape from those dull grey eyes. 

After a quick change, he was descending down the staircase and found Marlene sitting with Lily's arms around her, sitting in the common room. She was crying but Lily was there for her. His heart ached with a slight envy at the sight of both of them being each other's comfort but he shook away his feelings by walking away. He had seen Lily catching eyes with him but he had ignored her. He didn't understand why Marlene was not talking to him, not even making eye-contact.  Well, that's how people get when they enter in Sirius Black's friendship which had proved that it was cursed undoubtedly. 

He was in the kitchen, eating a chicken leg, hot and freshly made by the house-elves. He felt a little hopeful in their company, seeing them arguing with each other over small things. They were all grumpy but in a innocent way. 

"Mr Black likes chocolate cake!" A female house-elf argued with the other one. 

"No, Mr Black hadn't had enough chicken legs!" The other one said which had a blue knitted bow tied on her one large ear. 

He looked at them affectionately and wondered that if he could have such house-elves in exchange with Kreacher, he wouldn’t have the desperate desire to have friends and family in his life. They could be his only family. After, he had contented himself with an appetite which had become just like of a toddler's, he was walking back to the Gryffindor Tower. Suddenly, someone called him out. 

"Black!" The voice was familiar which took Sirius by shock. He turned around to see green robes, jet black hair but not shoulder length like his, identical grey eyes. Regulus Black stood there with an indignant expression, at the end of the corridor. Sirius' feet were frozen as if his legs were hit by freezing charm. 

"Why are you wandering around the corridors in the midst of a curfew? Do you realize what time is it?" He asked rather coldly which made Sirius narrow his eyes. It was like he was seeing someone else, not his brother who had consoled him the other day with the panic attack. This was Regulus Black, the prefect from the Slytherin House. 

"Reggie, what's with the cold attitude?" Sirius let out a laugh. 

"Sirius, You must know that I'm a prefect and I can give you detention right in the moment." 

Sirius felt agitated. He gave him a look by quirking up his eyebrow at him. Regulus' stony face faltered and wore an expression of disappointment mingled with pity. 

"Okay." It was all Sirius could get out of his mouth. That edgy tone from his brother had hurt him but he chose not to display it as he took a step to walk away on his orders. 

"You didn't have to do this...." Sirius was stopped dead in track at the despaired voice of Regulus. He looked in pain. "You didn't have to completely untie yourself with us..." 

Sirius exactly knew what he was talking about but he remained silent. 

"You know what you've done, huh?" Regulus continued bitterly, "Of course you do. And how could you not know? You've been wanting to be apart from us for Merlin knows how long. I thought that you had a reason that could stop you from being away. I was stupid to think that the reason would have been me." Sirius didn't feel soft towards his brother at all because he was in rage and he thought that everyone was just selfish. 

"Regulus," He stressed in between his teeth. He probably had said his first name for the first time and it was enough for his brother to pause his complaint. "Don't fight me." 

"Why not? Your action is going to have the worst consequences!" 

"THIS IS WHAT I DO!" Sirius yelled, "THIS IS WHAT MY ACTIONS CAUSE! PAIN TO OTHERS! I'M SORRY FOR BEING MYSELF! I'M SORRY FOR GIVING YOU HOPE!" 

"YES! YOU SHOULD BE SORRY!" Regulus agrued back despite of seeing the latter in pain. "BUT SORRY IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE ANYTHING!" 

"THEN THROW ME OUT OF YOUR LIFE TOO! THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE DOES TO ME!" Sirius cried out and Regulus didn't argue back this time. "I hate our parents! I will continue to hate them not because for what they did to me, but for the reason they brought me in this miserable world, giving me a cursed life! My life is cursed, brother, no one sticks with me! I am this way! So hate me!" He was laughing madly now, "Try hating me like everyone else is doing, it will ease your life because it sure has brought peace in others." 

"Sirius..." Regulus spoke in a whisper. 

"No, don't." Sirius stepped away from him, raising his hand in surrender, "I can't stop being myself. I'm sorry you had a brother like me to deal with, but consider forgetting about me. Live your life with those heartless, soul sucking people you call family, and become the proud son of the Black family. 

"Sirius, I never said that I disgust you or anything for what you are. I'm saying that you just brought mother and father an opportunity to throw more physical pain on you..." Regulus' voice was gentle now, "I'm angry at you because I care about you...I don't want to see you writhing in pain helplessly when I am standing in the doorway while mother and father punishes you..." 

"And even then you don't see that they are vicious people on earth" 

"I do see that but I chose to unsee it because I want a normal happy family." 

Regulus' voice was shaky and Sirius knew that he was weeping but he didn't reach out for him. He was exhausted. He walked away. 

He entered in the common room where Lily was still sitting on the couch. She abruptly stood up at his arrival but Sirius didn't have the energy to listen or talk. He walked away again.  People had walked away from his life and now it was his turn. 

He didn't realize that it was almost 4 AM in the morning. The dorm was empty as expected because the dawn was not before an hour. He rushed in the bathroom and came to a halt in front of the mirror, clutching the counter of the basin. The thoughts raced, the voices echoed in his mind, the heart was cracking silently. It did not take any longer for him to break down and then bathroom was filled with howls, the things crashing and breaking. He wanted to be dead. Before he could grasp the piece of mirror that he had broken, and commit any action of self-harm, James bursted inside. 

"Sirius!" He yelped in horror. That voice was enough to give strength to the storm to burst. It all happened in a blink of an eye. 

" _STUPEFY_!" 

Sirius threw the spell on James whose body flew and crashed down on one of the sinks that crumbled into pieces, creating a wreckage in the bathroom. James seemed terrified and he stood up anyway. 

"Pads-“ 

"DON'T! DON'T CALL ME WITH THAT NAME!" Sirius growled, his chest heaving furiously. 

"Sirius, I'm sorry-" 

"WHAT DID I DO TO YOU!? THAT MADE YOU HATE ME SO MUCH!" He shrieked in a disturbingly broken voice. James had no idea how much had caused to Sirius. "You turned away in my darkest! You played a trick by calling me your only best friend and proving your loyalty to others! No,  you are the traitor!  you are , not  me ! I tried and I tried!" 

"Yes-yes you are right..." James was gradually reaching for him but Sirius hurled away his approaching hand. "Sirius, I can never hate you-" 

"You do! You all do! You all disgust me!" 

"We do not disgust you! How can you even say-" 

Sirius took a deep breath to composed his trembling self. 

"Well, you all made that very clear lately. Thankyou." Sirius was not yelling anymore. He looked at the tear filled eyes of James that once he loved more than anything. "I'll have my dorm exchanged by sixth year. You'll be unbound with me for good.” 

With that, Sirius left the dorm, the common room, the Tower, running and running to his one and only refuge. Despite of caring about being caught by Filch, h e stood before the beautiful sky, slightly emitted with the unseen sun rising in the horizon. The stars becoming dimmer. _The Astronomy Tower was his only refuge._


	11. Another Secret Out.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus has some suspicions but Lily is too tired to hear them.

The OWLs were in flow and the day to depart from Hogwarts grew nearer. It was almost two months since the marauders had been apart. Remus was not fully recovered from the last moon and yet another moon awaited him the next week: the day he was supposed to leave for the summer break. Due to that, his departure was delayed, depending on his inability to heal from the aftermath of his transformation. Remus had given Pomfrey and Mcgonacall a good scare from his last condition. It had taken him solid five days to gain consciousness. James and Peter had been terrified to death that the stout boy had been feeling nauseated seeing Remus in such excruciating pain even after being done with his monthly duty of becoming a werewolf.

The OWLs were going better than Remus’ expectations. He had nailed the Defence against the Dark Arts, Transfiguration and Charms, but not Potions. He had messed up with the ingredients for the creation of Veritaserum, which was the truth potion he had studied in his fourth year. He felt a little ashamed with himself. However the other subjects awaited like Astronomy, History of Magic and Herbology. He was unsure about Arithmancy and Ancient Runes, which had been the only subjects he didn’t share with any of his fellow Marauders.

Speaking of Marauders, Remus felt that they were completely over because James was barely talking. He had just mumbled out that he and Sirius had an argument, when Remus and Peter had asked why he was not having proper food or talking to them in the Great hall which had become their only opportunity to speak to each other. Otherwise, they were either revising their syllabus or just being away from the other. James mostly sat by the fireplace, with his notes in his hands, occasionally ruffling his hair and fixing his spectacles. He was sulking, to Remus’ opinion, over his best friendship break-up with Sirius. Remus had had been slightly jealous with their friendship since first year, but now he was the one genuinely feeling sorry towards them. His heart kept telling him that this was all his fault. However, his mind, which was self-centred and egoistic, told him that he had no right to be responsible for James’ actions because he was never forced to boycott Sirius Black. James had done it by his own choice, which he was strongly regretting it.

Alot had happened since the past full moon: Sirius seemed even more pathetic every day. He was not seen with Marlene anymore, to Remus’ relief. Sirius had come out to Hogwarts and was facing ruthless insults and hexes from the Slytherins. Everyone had known that Sirius Black was a queer. Girls had stop drooling over him. A lot of boys had completely shun their contacts with him because they didn’t want to be called gay in Hogwarts.

Everyone had known everything. Except, there was one thing that was concealed between Remus Lupin and a sixth year Ravenclaw he didn’t know the name of. Something had happened on the Gryffindor Table the moment it was revealed that Sirius was gay, but Remus had refused to discuss it with anyone.

It was a Thursday evening. Remus was sitting in the library, on his particular spot behind the last shelf which he shared with Lily most of the times. Each day, he felt anxious to tell her about the small moment that had caught his breath in the Great Hall the other day. He didn’t even know the name of the person who had been responsible for it. He just knew that he had a blue and silver tie, brunette, blue eyes and snow white skin, just like Sirius’. He had seen him in Quidditch robes before but never bothered to know his identifications.

“Hiya, Remus.” Remus was taken off guard as Lily came with two large book clutched in her left arm. Her emerald eyes were concerning and her smile seemed pitiful. Remus loved Lily but he hated that look of her. It made him want to tear his skins out of guilt. A guilt that resided deep inside him which was resulted due to being a pathetic friend.

“‘Lo, Lils.” Remus replied, looking up from his book. After a few while of silent reading, he found hard to concentrate and the air around him felt thicker and uncomfortable.

“Lily.” Remus didn’t realize that he had said it until he saw her look at him, smiling ever so warmly.

“I knew you had something to say...” She whispered softly that bore a strong urge in Remus to hug her and tell her that she was the best friend he could ever have the fortune to have in his life.

"I need to tell you something..." He whispered back, craning his neck to check that no one was around them. Lily nodded, looking fully focused. "The other day, when you know he had come out-I mean he-" He had always found to hard to refer Sirius in a conversation and Lily perfectly knew that so she just nodded a little too ferociously in a gesture telling him to go on. "I heard something from the Ravenclaw table...I mean a guy-"

"OH! you have a crush on him?" She asked excitedly. Remus just rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"I don't know his name but I have seen him definitely. He is in the Qudidditch team."

"You mean Benjy?"

"No, no, not Fenwick and I know he is the chaser." Remus was growing a little irritated.

"Umm...okay..." Lily scratched her chin pensively until she jerked suddenly, "Edward Finch!"

"Who's Edward Finch?"

"Beater. He is quite handsome, brunette, gorgeous blue eyes." Remus thought it was quite precise because that guy had reminded him of Sirius who was the epitome of perfect beauty.

"I think so..." Remus murmured.

"What about him?" Lily asked.

"I don't know how to tell you this-you'll think I am little too skeptical or narrow-minded or-

"Remus..." She looked exasperated. He sighed and finally braced himself to say this.

"He knows that I've been into Sirius."

Lily' face turned white with horror, her green eyes looking the widest and she was near at yelping as she inhaled sharply but Remus quickly covered her mouth, glancing towards Madam Pince who was luckily not glaring at them. He slowly took his hand back as Lily looked calmed.

"How can you even say that?" Lily whispered harshly.

Well, he said that Sirius must be upset and I should go and be his friend." Lily looked disappointed so he continued stressing, "No I mean he said 'friend' you know? And he also said that I would understand him. Lily, tell me why would I understand him?"

"Because you were his friend? Thats what the Finch must be saying." Lily was looking entirely unimpressed which was making Remus agitated. "So you just assumed that he was refering you as his lover? Really, Remus?" Lily frowned.

He just exhaled defeatedly. He couldn't explain her but he distinctly remember the look of Finch gave him which was tensed and mischievous. He had been making eye-contact grimly as he had enunciated every one of his words as if they attained the secrecy that could be only unlocked by him.

"Remus, if he did mean that, how would he know?" Lily asked attentively but Remus didn't want to answer that question. He just looked down but Lily' eyes were boring into him like an x-ray.

"Sirius..." He mumbled out which made Lily to furrow her eyebrows and she turned away sadly, opening her book and pretending to read. He knew that this was his wrong guess but when he thought about it, it was hard to trust Sirius after what he had done, throwing Remus' secret into Snape's hand recklessly. Lily didn't say a word after that and neither did Remus.

The night fell on the sky like a dark blanket as Remus and Lily walked to the Gryffindor Tower quietly. He kept glancing at her and she looked downhearted.

"You really think Sirius would out your another secret after everything?" She broke the silence.

"Lily, I don't know!" Remus threw his hands in defeat. "Sometimes I think I never knew Sirius...I don't know if I can trust him again. Last month, I finally convinced myself that I would take him back as a friend but there is always this voice inside my brain ‘Can I trust him?' and it just keeps me away from making things up between us." Lily looked sympathetic as she looped her arm with his.

"Us?" Lily asked gently.

"Marauders. James is messed up. I don't even know what happened between Sirius and him. He wouldn't even tell us. The night before the moon, we all agreed on making things up with him and i've never seen James this happy and positive about having him back. But now..." His voiced faltered and they were now standing in the empty corridor.

"I do miss him, without a doubt." Remus continued, "I know that he made a mistake but the question is why did he have to make a mistake?"

"Because he is also a human, like you and everyone else." Lily replied eagerly. "People make mistakes and having good friends is a privilege to gain forgiveness for anything. Right now, Sirius is not having it and it seems very unfair, Rem."

Remus hissed internally at the word 'unfair'. It was just unfair to him that he was a werewolf, or had a friend that he fell in love with and then got betrayed by him over his childish act of slip of a tongue?

"It's hard to forgive, Lils." Remus' voice suddenly broke as the memories of him and Sirius flooded back like a teaser of a muggle movie, when they used to be a couple. They used to laugh that their tears would come out. They used to cuddle at every possible opportunity. They used to wait for their dorm mates to sleep and then they'd crawl into each others’ bed and stay up all night. Sometimes, cuddling or doing something wild in the shield of those scarlet curtains, draped under the silencing charm so that they could laugh, gag, moan, squeal and everything that enhanced their love for each other.

Suddenly, the train of thoughts vanished as he saw two figures walking towards him and Lily.

"Who are they at this hour?" Lily asked in a whisper. He had recognized that scent and that heartbeat he had listened in his bed so serenely that it had been the favorite rhythm for him to hum with.

Sirius.

They came closer and for a second Remus thought that all of the air in his lung had sucked out as he registered that Sirius was pacing beside the same ravenclaw person who had happened to be Edward Finch, according to Lily.

"That's the Finch guy, a year senior to us." Lily whispered, "Was he the one?" Remus didn't know if he could speak coherently so he just nodded and looked down as the pair came closer.

"Gryffindor Tower is literally in the opposite direction with the Ravenclaw." A youthful voice spoke which was definetly not Sirius'. And then the pair walked past them, leaving Remus utterly heartbroken.

Maybe Remus wasn't wrong about his judgment. Maybe Sirius had told his new friend that he used to date Remus.

In between the pain and shock, a new feeling began to shape like a hurricane and that was anger.

"So, I couldn't be more right." Remus murmured bitterly.

"Wha-?" Lily seemed taken aback, "Remus, you don't know that."

"Yeah, well you don't know anything!" He had raised his voice at her and he saw a hurt flashed through her face. "Since when are you taking side of him? Are you talking to him and giving him your sympathy?"

Lily looked very shocked at Remus' relentless way of speaking. She seemed at a loss of words but then her eyes softened.

"Remus, what is gotten into you?" She asked, absolutely crestfallen.

Remus was immediately rueful but he chose not to say a word. He walked past her in the opposite direction.

"Remus, where are you going?" She called out solemnly.

He was surprised that she wasn’t angry on him. He still didn't say anything and just walked and walked into nowhere.


	12. Trust is a fragile thing.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius, James and Remus' POV because they are the real ones suffering alone.

June had dawned upon Hogwarts and the OWLs were still in flow. Two moons had passed away, to Sirius' discomfort, and Padfoot was no near to Moony. March had been worse, so had been April and May, but June was just getting painful. On the second full moon in May, a part of Sirius had wanted to take a sneak-peak of Remus' condition in the Hospital Wing but again, it was not going to remove the deeply afflicted pain in his heart, so he didn't.

Sirius was sitting on the ledge of the window of the kitchen, scanning Edward Finch from head to toe, or say by the back of the head to his heels, as he had his back to him and was merrily talking with the house-elves. He was laughing so beautifully that made Sirius' heart ache.  Edward had become friends-good talkers? Is there any word lower to the status of a friend? The word 'Friend' had brought hardships in his lives. He had come to believe that whoever was friends with him, was eventually going to walk out from his life. Therefore, he didn't want to give Edward a status of friend or any close to that. As a matter of fact, Sirius had making conversation with him very rarely. He used to sit in the library by coincidence. It was always Edward who'd join Sirius and talk about anything he had on his mind. At first, Sirius had been irritated with him for being too nosy and overly friendly but as he realized that this had been making his days survivable at Hogwarts. He had started to enjoy his company. He was talkative and charming, his blue eyes crinkled as he cackled over a joke made by his own. Out of his many good traits, there was one which displayed his respectful nature that he didn't interfere in Sirius' life. He didn't ask questions about him being a queer, or his family, or why he was not with his friends now, and also the why he wasn't in Slytherin like his family. However, Sirius was trying not to enjoy his presence too much. His fear of making a friend still resided in his heart. 

"So, you'd rather be an elf or a stray animal?" Edward had the habit of asking very strange questions. Sirius let out a small laugh, watching him intently. His eyes were mesmerizing. 

"A stray animal. Like a dog." He replied casually. Edward brought a freshly baked vanilla cake. Sirius peered a look of the latter's face which was enlightened with amusement. He hated cakes another than chocolate cakes. He studied how Edward brought two forks and gestured him to share the cake. Sirius was feeling slightly uncomfortable. They were just here for a break from the study for the Astronomy OWLs. Sirius had been quizzing him.

Sirius had no interest in eating a disgustingly sweet cake but for the sake of politeness he saw no harm in trying giving it back. 

"Why?" Edward asked, his mouth filled with abnormally large bite.

"Sorry?" Sirius had been bit preoccupied in calculating his restraining power that could help him in not becoming friends with Finch. 

"Why do you wanna be a stray animal instead of an elf?" Edward repeated. Sirius felt irritated at the conversation and he wanted to get back on their study session as soon as possible and so that he could bid him farewell and return to his bed. 

"Finch, is that even a question?" Sirius rolled his eyes but Edward was grinning goofily, "The life of an elf is brutal. They have to completely shun their will and submit themselves to their master, angel or devil, they have to obey. And I had never submit myself to anyone and wouldn't even dream of doing it in the future." 

Edward was staring at him thoughtfully with his sapphire eyes. He nodded obediently, "You've never submit yourself to anyone, right? Like not even obeyed them or surrender yourself for the other’s sake?” 

Sirius frowned and thought for a second and his answer internally was yes. He had willingly submitted himself to Remus, not that he was a masochist or something but he acquired a nature being dominant in the relationship, which was the complete opposite of them in terms of their physical appearances. 

"It's time we get back to study, Finch, we have Astronomy tomorrow." Sirius' annoyance had become much apparent. He was taken aback to see that the vanilla cake had been finished and Edward was not the only one to devour it. To Sirius' surprise, that cake tasted like rainbow in his mouth. He brushed it off and wore a stern face that said the latter to grip up and study for the next two hours.  I sound like Remus , Sirius thought to himself.

"Alright," Edward smiled apologetically, "But I really like your company." Sirius suddenly felt hot on the cheeks but he intentionally wore a stony face and gestured for them to head to the library to continue their studying. 

* * *

James kept reciting the same paragraph from his Astronomy book, whilst lying on his bed in the late hours of night, but it was not fitting in his head which was already too occupied in a wrestling with his ego and his vulnerable self over an only one dispute: " Should I try talking to Sirius?"

It was 2 in the morning and the dorm room was filled with _muffled snores of Peter and sound breathing of Remus. However, Sirius was still awake because he could see his wandlight glowing behind the draped curtains of his bed._ _ Why was he awake? Was he reading for tomorrow's exam? Can't be, because Sirius mastered Astronomy. What was he doing? Sirius Black reading something? So unlike him! Or maybe he was changing without his friends? _

Straight half hour went by and the wand was still flickering, which was making James extremely anxious. Suddenly, the wandlight went out and instead of the glowing blue light, something was illuminating near the canopy. He quickly sat up and very quietly he tiptoed near Sirius' bed. The lights seemed to be like sparkles in the mid-air, scattered and dancing in slow motion. He came close until the distance between the two people was just a curtain away. He tentatively grabbed the velvety fabric and peeked a look. The sight he caught wrenched his heart right away. Sirius' face was screwed up in a strangled cry, his one hand clutched the wand aiming towards the sky of his four poster bed while the other hand covering his mouth. The sobbing and sniffing came to his hearing and he realised that Sirius was shielding them with a silencing charm. James never felt so helpless and hopeless in his life. His bond with the person lying there weeping out his regrets, had been inseparable. Now he looked at both of them and asked himself,  _ What happened to us? _

James and Sirius could've been misunderstood as brothers if one of them hadn't been resembling with the most of the Slytherins who also happened to be from Black family. James was not himself if Sirius was away, neither Sirius was himself if James was away. They were each other's light, each other's brother. 

"Go away, James." A shiver went down James' spine as a heavy voice spoke through sobs. Sirius knew that he was being watched. James didn't have the audacity to sit next to him. He felt stuck in between so he just stared with agony throwing darts at him, and let the tears run down his cheeks. He knew why those golden sparks were hanging in the air. Sirius must'd been having nightmares and he was sacred to go to sleep in the dark room. If they'd been friends with him, he was going to crawl into James' bed and without his notice, wait for the sleep to drift him away. James came to think of it that before the incident with Snape, Sirius was not joining him in the bed for few months. First he had thought that his friend had been eased with the nightmares, however, it was apparent now that Remus had taken James' place for that. 

With a heavy heart, James sauntered to his bed, trying his best to not to overthink and to just sleep because he had his exam tomorrow. 

* * *

Remus flopped on his bed, his limbs feeling numb while his mind completely dazed. Surviving a full moon during OWLs was another nightmare for him. That had been the third moon without Padfoot. Fortunately Astronomy hadn't clashed with full moon. It had been better than worst. The dorm room was empty until suddenly the door bursted open that jerked him to cores. He found Sirius limping by the support of his left foot as he struggled to make his way to his bed. Remus' eyes travelled to his maimed ankle of his right foot. He face was crumpled and he was frowning with pain. 

"Shit! What happened!?" Remus cried out in complete subconsciousness. For a sweet second, he had forgotten that they were not speaking to each other. It wasn't until Sirius didn't reply him but grunted with aching. Remus was in between of his perplexity. He didn't know what to do but he did know one thing that his heart was aching for them to be there for each other. Typically dumb Remus was not going to listen to his heart and in midst of this messy feelings he discovered that there resided an old meaningless rage reserved for Sirius. Even then, he gradually stepped towards him. Sirius was hissing as he was picking out something from his angry wound. 

"What the hell are you doing!?" Remus angrily hurled his hand away and pushed him on his bed so that he was sitting with his leg rested on the mattress. He took Sirius' injured foot in the cup of his hand which made the latter flinch. Remus was not sure if he did that out of pain of his wound or out of anger of touching him. He examined the injury and noticed that a piece of mirror was stuck in the wound. He stood up and brought his muggle first-aid kit. Very carefully-what took few minutes but felt like hours- dug out the shiny piece of mirror which was a size of a sickle. The silence was breaking back and forth by Sirius' panting and hissing. 

Remus aimed for his wand to cast a healing spell but Sirius pulled away his leg, which strengthened Remus' irritation.

"What is wrong with you?" He hissed, "I'm trying to help you!"

"I don't need your help." Sirius murmured in his breath.

"Merlin.." He took his ankle anyway as if snatching like it belonged to him and casted a healing spell on it before the latter could take defense. "You are a mean old git, you know that?"

"Yeah..." Sirius spoke quietly, looking very much surrendered. 

"Oh wow!" Remus began sarcastically, "I'm glad there is something you know about yourself. Ever consider doing something about it? For example, not be selfish as you are or not be reckless at all? Or especially not throw away your friends' secrets?" 

"Shut up. Just shut up." Sirius gritted his teeth. 

Remus rose from the bed to put back the kit in his trunk before saying, "Typical Black."

Sirius sighed defeatedly and Remus could feel his grey orbs boring into his back.

"You know that I never meant to hurt you or do something which could make you mistrust me." Sirius' voice was pleading. "You  fucking know that! But you're trying so hard to walk away from that truth! Your hate is too powerful to make you escape the truth!"

_ Hate? Does he really think that I hate him?  He turned around to face his distraught look.  _

"They are your actions! Your betrayal is so powerful! Don't tell me that I'm the only hateful person here! You've moved on, right? Thatswhy it's all so easy for you!"

"Moved on?" Sirius frowned.

"Yes." Remus was trying hard not to shed an angry tear, "Coming out to the entire audience so that you could enjoy being in an open relationship with Edward Finch. Something that I couldn't give you."

"I'm not dating Finch."

Remus held his head theatrically.

"Sirius, sometimes you just have to speak the truth-"

"I AM SPEAKING THE TRUTH!" Sirius yelled that made Remus' jaw drop. "Its  _ you _ who take my truths as lies! Don't blame me for something you do!"

"Blame? You talking about blame? It doesn't suit you, Sirius." Remus did a show of rolling his eyes and laughing bitterly. He was acting quite like Sirius.

"My entire life I've been blamed for every unfortunate thing that happens around me. I'm forced to take those blames as a burden in my life-"

Remus had recognized his own rage that had founded when Finch had taunted him for not being  _ friends _ with Sirius, and then after catching them both walking together in late hours. 

"So you're saying that the incident with Snape wasn't your fault!?

"No, Remus—“

"And you didn't expose my sexuality to Finch!?"

Immediately, a strange silence hung in the air. Sirius looked as if his blood had ran cold. 

"What?" His voice barely audible.

"Yeah!" Remus could practically feel himself trembling with rage. "I'm not that thick!"

"Remus..." Sirius' eyes were filled with tears, "For once-for once believe me when I say this: I would never do that...after everything. Please, trust me for the last time that I didn't exposed you anymore. I didn't even say a word about you to Finch. I promise you, Remus."

Remus was constantly trying to avoid how his heart was melting every time he spoke his name with such a pleading voice. He wanted to believe him but he just didn't know how. He sighed and rubbed his temples before sighing deeply.

"That's the problem, Sirius." He spoke hopelessly as he walked to the door, "It's really hard to trust you again.


	13. Remus Lupin.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus Lupin is the only one, and will be the only one to shake Sirius' existence.

If anyone had the privilege to be angry as much as they wanted, that was Remus Lupin. Being hurt and betrayed by his best friend had resulted in pride of being wounded which was able to pull himself together. That pride had resulted in inexplicable fury inside of Remus for anything that had not gone as he had expected, either it was an ottoman that was being used for sitting instead of keeping feet on it. He had not expected that Sirius would run away from him just like he had told him.  _ Where was the stubborn Sirius Black now? He wanted him to come again and cry tears of sincerity and pure love, and tackle him forcefully in a hug and  _ _maybe give him a bruising kiss?_ He wanted to be over him but he was failing successfully. 

_What was wrong with Remus? He was not being a normal person. Well, he was not a normal person, he was a werewolf. Can his furry little problem suffice his abnormal behavior and unusual feelings_? There was so much buried inside him and most of them was rage. He had drawn a pie chart in head about his feelings where 90% was just fury. Blind rage sweeping back and forth. The full moon had already passed and July was tomorrow and so was his departure from Hogwarts. He had guilt inside for having second altercation with Sirius, but the anger was outweighing other feelings. He didn't know why he was so angry, irritated and disgusted. In midst of the haze of rage, he felt an urge to grab someone and beat the shit out of them.

Remus stood before the mirror in the bathroom, clutching the counter-table. He felt terrified of himself. No wonder how much Sirius had looked vulnerable before him. He could not hex Snape because he didn't want him to be utter disgusted of him. He already knew his darkest secret. 

He exhaled deeply when there was a knock on the door.

"Remus?" James' voice came, "We're waiting for you in the common room." 

With that he heard the footsteps dying away and then the dorm door was shut. He looked again at his reflection and grimaced. He was very much disgusted of himself. He quickly grabbed the mug from the counter-table and crashed it on the wall. It shattered into pieces and one of them bounced back to plunge into Remus' naked torso. He winced and looked down to find a minor cut bleeding. He was suddenly yanked back to the memory of the day Sirius brusted into the room with his maimed ankle. He felt sick and pathetic. Something blew inside of his feelings barrel and he howled and dropped down on the floor. He kept howling and crying. This time he was not mourning for the celebration of his miseries that were reaching out of its brims. He was just grieving for the lost times. He didn't want anyone's sympathy. He didn't deserve anyone. Not Lily who was a good listener, Not James who was the best human being in the world, Not Peter who was very supportive, and surely he didn't deserve Sirius who loved Remus with all of his heart. The problem was that Sirius must have had loved him but not after how Remus had been with him.  _ Too much unforgiving. _

With such realization, tears spilled infinitely out his eyes. Maybe the anger was streaming out in form of crying as much tears as possible. Remus thought that it was better for him to weep wholeheartedly which could cleanse all of his toxic feelings and he can revive himself to his real self. He let himself cry and cry until he dozed off on the floor. 

"Remus! Remus! Moony!" His body felt numb. James' face was hovering on him, beside a redhead girl, Lily with some other girl. "Moony, can you hear me?" Remus nodded and James lifted him up in a sitting position, holding him in his one arm.

"Remus, are you alright?" The voice was clearly unfamiliar. Not Lily's, neither James'. He blinked harder and Marlene came into focus, her blue cat eyes staring with concern. He nodded again. 

"You were bleeding so much!" Lily sounded near to tears. He raced his thoughts and didn't understand that a small cut could flow so much blood to make a puddle on the floor. He looked down on his stomach and was taken aback to find that the wound cut through his belly button to the point where his abdomen began. He didn't recall such injury. However, it was healed now, probably from James' wand which was lying idle beside him.

"Can you walk?" James asked, "We have to leave. There are only fifteen minutes for us to board on the train." 

"Yeah," Remus' voice was hoarse, "Yeah I can walk. 

He stood up by the support of his friend's body and it was surprising that he felt very lightheaded. He was feeling strangely relieved as if he had woken up from a very contented nap. James helped him dressed up and Remus was scanning his expression which were just plain. That was the most concerning thing about James Potter when he was quiet and wore no specific look. He picked up his trunk and held out his hand to Remus who thought,  I am not child, James, but when he glanced at the latter's serious face, he quickly grasped his hold.

It was only one minute left for the train to leave for London when Remus and James sat in the compartment where Sirius' absence felt so bizarre.  _ Where was he?  _

* * *

This compartment smelled different, the seats felt a little too stiff and there was the sense of unfamiliarity creeping onto Sirius Black as he sat with the bunch of Ravenclaw students. He was glad that he had company. Edward Finch had become his friend, to Sirius' dislike. He was internally sad for leaving him which he didn't mention, and he was also annoyed by the fact that he was a year ahead of him. He gave his Astronomy OWL with the fifth years because he hadn't been at Hogwarts when that OWL was conducted. He had received the news during the exam that he had become an orphan and he had no relative to take him in. The entire Finch family was wiped out on the orders of the Dark Lord. Edward Finch was a half-blood; His father was a muggle while her mother was a very active and cunning witch who had worked promptly against the Dark Lord. Dumbledore had always admired her courage and inorder of her respect and in sympathy for the orphan Finch, he had given a chance to him to repeat his OWLs and Edward had refused except of Astronomy which he had found hard to ace. 

Sirius had found hard to believe that he had survived this pain. He knew that if that happened to his family, he won't be sad about it because his lot was vicious people who abuses their children if they don't follow their steps. He knew that Finch's family was the complete opposite of his. He felt very sympathetic towards him. He knew that they were in the middle of the war but he was also sure that the Blacks could never be assaulted to death because they were the true worshippers of the Dark Lord. 

"You've been awfully quiet." Edward whispered to him as they both sat adjacent to each other while the compartment was a havoc by the game of Exploding Snaps by the other Ravenclaws. 

"Are you okay?" Edward spoke gently and put his hand on Sirius' knee. Sirius thought that he had been touched by flames. He jerked his knee and quickly looked away to hide the scarlet face. He felt Finch squirm back in his sitting position and he knew that he had hurt him. He also didn't want to apologize for it because he was aiming to repel people than grow close to them. 

However, Edward stood up after a minute and walked out of the compartment. Sirius felt a sickening feeling in his stomach so he went after him.

He walked in the hallway, passing by a compartment where Remus and Peter was sitting together while James and Lily were in a conversation. Sirius was surprised to feel slight happiness for James as he saw him progressing with the woman of his heart. His eyes suddenly widened to see Marlene sitting adjacent to Remus, and he thought that he had never felt so jealous in his life. He still couldn't make head or tail of why she was boycotting him. He ignored it and paced to find Edward. He came to a halt before the bathroom which was labeled as occupied. 

"Edward?" Sirius spoke his first name for the first time, and it felt very abnormal on his tongue.  _It was a very sophisticated name_ , he thought. He knocked and called him out again but there was no answer. "Edward? Just tell me it's you there?" 

The door opened and Edward revealed his face which was very pale that it seemed almost white. He had a very deep frown and he was looking down.

"Am I a repulsive person to you?" He whispered in a huffed voice that it genuinely hurt Sirius. He shook his head hardly. "Then why do you act so mean or disgusted with me? I know I'm a little-like they say- childish. I-I know I'm being very nosy...but its because-because I..." 

His eyes were glistening sapphire and Sirius was afraid of what was going to be the end of the sentence. 

"...It's because I like you." He finally spoke and Sirius struggled to keep his face deadpan because he knew that he was not ready for this. There was still Remus on his mind. Edward was looking at him with hope. Anxiety was crawling on Sirius' skins.  How did he liked him? When he didn't even know him? 

"I like you, Sirius...I always have...but you were this intimidating personality in Hogwarts that I knew that I could never be of your standards." Edward continued, "But then when the rumors were out that your friends broke up with you and I thought that I could be your friend. After you came out, I knew that you really needed someone to be there for you." He held Sirius' hand which was very cold, "Not everyone has the courage to reveal themselves." 

"Edward," Sirius cleared his throat which had gotten dry, "Thankyou, for saying that." He looked at their hands, "I certainly do not think that you are disgusting or childish. You are so full of life and I am just a dead person who is so selfish and mean. You are an amazing person and yes, I do like you but-"

"But..." Edward murmured, looking very painful. 

"It's very complicated, Ed." He was internally cursing himself for giving him a nickname. "Believe me, you don't want this...you don’t know me...I’m not what I look like...Ed.

Edward was still looking down, frowning too much that looked like he was crying. Sirius squinted to look him in the eyes which were squeezed shut. He was giving him shake to look up and calling his name over and over until he leaned forward and slumped himself in Sirius' arms. Sirius quickly held him and hugged him back. He smiled to himself and rested his head on his shoulders. That was when he caught a sight of someone standing in the hallway, staring them. He turned his head to find Remus Lupin staring him with a look that jolted Sirius out of the embrace, feeling as if he had committed the greatest sin of his life


	14. The Noble House of Black.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius is back at Grimmauld Place and alot is strange in here.

It had been solid three weeks since Sirius arrived at the 12 Grimmauld Place and it had been the most unexpected and peculiar summer break of his life. 

He hadn't been insulted by Walburga, neither had she thrown curses on him yet. Orion hadn't retaliated on the dinner table when Sirius had discussed about his liking to the Chudley Cannons. Regulus hadn't wore his stony face yet. He had been grinning all the time around Sirius, offering him more gravy while they ate their food. Kreacher hadn't been the most hated house-elf in the world. Everything that had been happening in the Black House was not normal, and Sirius could not be more terrified of the strangely polite behavior of his family. 

For the first time since he had been sorted into Gryffindor, this had been his only summer break that was inviting hints of liberty so he wandered around the tapestry where he scanned the Black family Tree. He didn't bother looking at the his ancestors who were not blasted off. Therefore his gaze fell on one of his cousins from his uncle Cygnus and aunt Druella. Andromeda Black, who had been sending him presents for Christmas ever since she ran away. She had been his favorite cousin he'd been looking up to. Someone who married the love of her life and escaped her torturous family for good. However, this year, Walburga and Orion had not been cruel to Sirius yet. 

Were they coming to an understanding that he can his life they way he likes? Maybe they were planning on becoming civil by not forcing him to come down on the path of worshipping the Dark Lord.

His eyes were locked with the name of Andromeda Black where her face was now just a black hole whereas her sisters, Narcissa and Bellatrix, stared back with their evil smirks. 

Sirius quickly ran upstairs and entered his room, stripping off his robes and wearing a muggle t-shirt. He also didn't forget to lock the door because the previous summer breaks hadn't escaped his memory when he had borne the Cruciatus curse and been mocked for accompanying with blood traitors and mudbloods, so he still feared the return of his family's malevolency if they saw his muggle attire. He quickly dug out some parchment and his quill from his trunk as he sat by his window to write to his cousin.

_ Dear Andy, _

_ Hope you are alright. It has been so long since the last time I sent you a letter, and it was probably the time when I told you that I sorted into Gryffindor. I haven't forgotten that you had been the only one from the Black family to congratulate me. Thank you for all the Christmas presents you have been sending me since first year. How is Dora? Is Ted doing okay? How is it like at your place? _

_ I have been meaning to tell you that this summer break is not going as it was supposed to. Not normal, which means that it had not started with mother's deadly glares, or her curses and mockery. They all have a good laugh with me on the dinner table. Bella visits frequently and call me 'handsome face' which is ironic that she doesn't tease me by throwing hexes at me. Regulus doesn't stop smiling at me. He and I had a row at Hogwarts and I am not talking with him.  _

_ I am utter confused. Do I take this as a good thing? Are they finally making their peace with me being a Gryffindor?  _

_ I don't have anyone right now. Write me back as soon as you can.  _

_ Sirius .  _

He reread his letter again and again until he sent it by Regulus' owl secretly. As the owl was out of the window, a knock jerked him up. He quickly threw his robes on, shuffling them to hide his t-shirt which has the indie image of David Bowie. He lifted up the locking charm and asked the person to come in. 

"Hey..." Regulus appeared with a warmest smile on his face. Unfortunately, Sirius couldn't return it back. "Were you taking a nap?" Sirius frowned as he looked outside the window purposely and then to his brother.

"It's almost sunset. Why would I be taking a nap at this hour?" He replied stiffly.

"Okay..." Regulus came inside and began pacing in his room and Sirius tried to be as nonchalant as he could by sitting on his bed and skipping pages on his book of History of Magic. 

"History of Magic? Really?" Regulus smirked at him with face which displayed to be slightly apologetic. Sirius looked up and continued to stare blankly. The younger brother's beaming face faltered and sat before him as he sighed deeply. "I'm sorry, Sirius...for what I said to you that day. I just...I know you are upset. And I had no right to say those things to you and tell you what to do-"

"Skip the apology, Regulus. What is going on here?" Sirius interjected coldly which made the latter to go speechlessly shocked. He cleared his throat and looked down sadly. 

"How do you mean?" 

"You know what I mean." Sirius said in a stern voice, "Don't coy with me and tell me that why you people are treating me-"

"Normal?" Regulus suggested bitterly.

"-which makes it abnormal!?" Sirius exclaimed. 

"So what do you want? Do you want Mother to curse you for having these muggle posters on your walls which by the way are pasted with a sticking charm!? And want everyone to actually know that you happen to be one of those queer people!?" 

Sirius felt hot rage blinding him as he stood up from his bed, rubbing his face. He was holding his temper from spilling out and face the unwanted consequences. He was too tired to deal with him. He already had many things on his mind: Suspicions on his family wasn't the only one, but the fact that Remus had seen him on the train with Edward. He had been feeling very guilty about it, even though he and Remus had nothing between them. Not even a mere friendship was left between them. He had always thought that Remus was it for him but he was gradually grasping the fact that they were never going to be one again. He hadn't yet received any letter from anyone at Hogwarts. He had expected from James but no owl came to him. This was very painful to endure. 

"Look, Sirius..." Regulus spoke after lingering tensed silence, "Look at me, brother." And he did. Those two pairs of grey eyes met and they had the magic of being united again. "I'm behind this. I really hurt you the last time and I wanted to make up for it. If there is anything mother and father hates about you besides being a Gryffindor, is the fact that you were friends with the Potter, Evans and Lupin. They weren't mad with the Pettigrew but still your contacts with people who aren't worthy of magic, was something that bothered them so much! So I told them that you've boycotted them."

Everything began to make sense for Sirius as he quietly listened to his brother. Fortunately he felt no urge to be angry on him for giving their parents an impression that Sirius was trying to obey them. He just let him speak.

"Sirius, I know that being lonely is a very painful thing. I saw that happening with you. I told our parents this because at least you won't face hatred here. I want a happy family and deep down inside, you want it too!" 

The words sent shivers to Sirius' body as if his brother sent truth signals to his consciences with his words.

"Your friends didn't give you what you needed the most. And of course they can't give you because they are not your family, Sirius. Only we are your family. And family stays when no one does." 

Regulus' eyes were burning silver, almost hypnotizing him when something tapped on the window. Both of them found a scrawny owl hooting on the ledge of the window. It was an unfamiliar owl. He completely avoided Regulus' rigid expression and yanked the letter out of the owl's leg.

D _ear Padfoot (if I could still call you that),_

_ You are not answering me for weeks so I thought maybe I play a dare devil game by calling you Padfoot so that you can reply me back to never call you that again. At least I would have your words for me. Your silence is killing me.  _

_ I sent you this letter by Marlene's owl. She is visiting for two days. Her parents are separating so she came to my house for a distraction. She is also concerned about you. She says maybe you are not receiving these letters but I think you are very angry at us. Especially me. _

_ I've been the most pathetic friend in this world, probably the most treacherous brother to you. Yes, Sirius, I am the traitor here. Not you. Never you. _

_ I will not insist for your permission again for sending your journal to Moony. I know you wouldn't want to, probably thatswhy you're not answering. Your possession is save with me. Don't worry, you are still my friend, my best friend, my only brother, even if I am not anything to yours. _

_ Whatever happened between you and Moony was your and his matter. It was never mine and I still shut you out. I did wrong. I accept this. You are always welcome at my place. Maybe we can talk it out. Just another chance. I don't want to lose you more than I already have.  _

_ This is my eighteenth letter to you. Please reply just for once. _

_ Prongs. _

Sirius felt his brain stuttering and his heart hammering with the havoc of numerous feelings hitting all at once. Anger, guilt, relief, warmth, love, sadness, shock. Too many questions and too many feelings to act upon. Every part of his body felt internally shivering as his brain was desperately wanting to pause to catch one thought at a time. One thing was flickering in his mind back and forth which had become very clear:  James' letters were confiscated in the most cruel way and his own brother was given the authority of it.

He took a deep breath which finally made him realise that out of all of his feelings, the major one was the storm of rage that was taking shape. He turned with outrageous eyes and faced Regulus' fearful face which was—in Sirius’ sight—stamped with filthy words. 

_ Liar, hypocrite, selfish, diplomatic, vicious, fucking bigot, clever fuck, selfish, selfish and selfish! _

Sirius wanted to read those words out loud on his brother that were too anxious to gush out on his tongue like a furious ocean waiting to spread as much as it can.  However, Sirius held them back and just asked one thing that felt enough.

"Are you really my family, Reg?"


	15. A stag without his dog.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James is sad without Sirius.

James didn't know what to do. He had never known misery. He was unknown to the feeling of being hopeless or enduring heartaches, however, witnessing Marauders breaking apart felt just as tragically as Remus' lycanthropy or Sirius' cursed life; Every month he had seen his best friend's deadpanned face as he’d walked down the cold corridors of Hogwarts. He had experienced the loss of an integral part of his friends who were like family. 

It was hard for James Potter to embrace the fact that the Marauders were over. 

He had had company for a while since Marlene had been staying for two days. Potters were friends with McKinnon and her mother had requested Euphemia to take her daughter under supervision till the separation dispute was cleared out. It was over now, gladly to Marlene, and the parents were being civil for the sake of their daughter. They knew about her sexuality which had been a shock at first but later her mother surrendered her edgy attitude when Euphemia made her see some sense. Ever since then, she had supported her daughter and loved her just the same. Biding farewell to Marlene was harder for James. They had bonded alot in just two days which all they did was talk about Sirius. James had felt more guilty after listening how much his treament had hurt his best friend. Not to mention of those terrible nights when he had read Sirius’ journal. 

July had passed by, still no letter from Sirius. Remus had only replied him just twice in a whole month; One was before the full moon and the other was four days after it, only telling that he was alive. Peter had promised that he will visit in August and had told that he was going to travel to Wales. Fortunately, James had been engaged in daily conversations with Lily Evans. She had stooped despising him after the incident, and tried to soothe his pain away by writing soft words to him to heal his heart which was filled with compunction. 

He was lying on his bed like a loser as sunlight bathe his face through his window. It was a mid-day and he had denied to come down by the porch for a family tea time. His parents were the best support for him,  that lucky boy! Fleamont didn't argue and let him go into his room. 

Suddenly, a knock bolted him upright and he saw the door open ajar where Euphemia stood with a tentative smile on her face. 

"Sweetie, can I come in?" She asked softly and he nodded. She came inside and sat down beside his feet. She was the loveliest and the most understanding woman on earth and her son never took her for granted. Their mother-son relationship was the model of perfection. He knew that how much Sirius had wanted that. He wished if Sirius could be loved by Euphemia as if she was his real mother. He just wished from the bottom of his heart for Sirius to be his real brother. That could've been very easy to make up after the incident. He just wished for Sirius to come back just like before so that he could tackle him in a hug and wrestle with him. 

"So..." Her voice faded the train of his thoughts. "Are we still moping?" She was smiling at him like a way that made him let out a laugh out of the blue. That laugh was none like a normal laugh. There was something foreign in it. His throat began to ache and his nose stung which followed to the eyes, and then the tears pooled out. 

"Dear!" Euphemia gasped as she quickly wrapped her arms around him and he finally sobbed in her embrace. 

"Mum, I ruined it-I ruined them-I ruined us!" He cried awfully. 

"Honey, you didn't ruin anything..." 

"No-no-no..I did that to him-Sirius...He hates me!" 

"Dear, Sirius could never hate you." Her hands were rubbing her son's trembling back. 

"Mum," He pulled apart and looked into her mother's concering gaze. "I thought I could keep them untied. I was supposed to do that! I was responsible for them, for us...Remus, Sirius and Peter! We-Us-the Marauders-Mum, I wanted— to but I—couldn't-" The words were not being his great companion that moment. He was exasperated with himself, "Mum,  _IT IS ALL MY FAULT!"_

He inhaled deeply as if trying to make connection with his heart. And the next thing he knew, words were just pouring out of him. 

"Mum, he did what he did and it wasn't intentional! And I bloody knew that! But I pushed away his apologies.  Daily apologies. I thought for once I was being a good friend to Remus. I wanted to make him feel that he's not left out-because Sirius had been my best friend. I wanted him to know that he was also just as important as Sirius. 

"But, Mum, in the moment of gaining one friendship, I was losing the best one. And I think I lost it. I lost  him . I send him letters. He doesn't answer one. I kept sending him by pretending that maybe his family is not letting him have a owl to send one to me, but I think he really hates me." He wiped his nose from his sleeve and Euphemia just listened while grazing his back. 

"Remus doesn't talk much." James continued, "I know it's not easy for him either. He loves Sirius more than I do. He is just trying not to love him and I know that he is doing the impossible. He is suffering so much." 

"Honey, you could pay him a visit." Euphemia finally spoke in a whisper. 

"And do what?" 

"Be his friend!" She exclaimed rather softly, "Don't lose  him , at least. My darling, you can still bring those broken pieces together and make them one. I know you can. None of you kids has taken any of you for granted but there are too many misunderstandings between you people, too many feelings and doubts." James stared at her, taking every one of word in. "Move. past. them. Talk to Remus, ask him to be forgiving. I know its not something easy to ask but listen what he wants." 

"Yeah..." James nodded and forced out a smile. He was feeling better as he kept his gaze locked with his mother. He couldn't feel more grateful of her. "Thanks, Mum." 

She squeezed him in a very tight hug and kissed his forehead. 

"I love you, darling. I believe in you. Just don't give up." 

After an hour, he finally stood up and went for a shower, by the aid of his mother's moral support. He had steaming bath and thought of writing to Regulus, hoping he could reply on behalf of Sirius. He came out by the sound of an owl hooting. Regulus' owl.  Shit! 

He quickly wrapped the towel around his waist and hastily opened the letter. 

_Dear James,_

_I'm sorry I couldn't answer to your letters since I was not getting one, except the last one which is why I'm writing to you. Apparently, my family had put my little brother incharge of hiding your letters from me since you are a blood traitor, Potter. Therefore, as his punishment, I am using his owl._

_James grinned to himself as he could sense the sarcastic tone of his best friend._

_I am sorry about Marlene. I hope things get better for her. How is Mr and Mrs Potter? Hope you are doing okay too._

_I couldn't read any of your letters but I am guessing that you have my journal? Definitely I can't fine one in my trunk. It was the most private part of mine. So, yes, you have the piece of my heart in your possession which used to be happy. Please, just keep it with yourself, if you can._

_You are not pathetic, Prongs, and I am not angry with you. I am sorry that I yelled at you that day. I shouldn't have. After what I did to him, I was not myself anymore and you know why. Out of all people, I just wanted you. I wanted my brother, not Regulus. I don't hate you, if you're thinking that. I would want to meet you but I can't._

_I miss you, James. I really do._

_P.S I had expected a letter from you only, not anyone else. Thankyou and I am sorry._

_Padfoot._

James folded the letter with his damp hands as he kept wiping his tears.  Happy tears that came after months that felt decades. 

"Padfoot...." He smiled as he read the last word of the letter with the exuberance he thought he was never going to feel. He was finally realizing the presence of one thing in his heart.... hope .


	16. Acceptance.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus comes out to his parents, and all he wants is Acceptance.

The weather was warm and windy as the curtains of Remus' room window breathe in the hot air of the summers. His study table was pressed before the window from where the trees peeked and swayed as if his sorrowful life were entertainment to them. However, he wanted to believe that they were there for him, soothing his soul, cleansing his aura. 

For the first time in forever, Remus was being irritated by reading. There was an uncertain amount of anxiousness flowing from his brain to his whole body. He rummaged through the stack of books, looking for something distractive, but ending up making a guttural sound and flopping on his bed. He was also sick of lying there so he sprang on his feet a little too harshly, and stomped down out of his house. He heard an indistinct voice of his mother calling him out but he refused to respond. He kept walking and walking. 

The Lupin House was nestled in an area where no other residence could be seen. It was like a cabin in the woods, except the woods were not deep nor it shared any similarity to a labyrinth. They were quite expanded and open, like an almost forest. Beyond the trees, there was a lake and that was the only destination Remus was craving to be at. 

A deep sense of serenity overcame him as soon as those amber eyes captured the view, staring at the expanse of blue that lay before him. Rays of lights danced delicately across the water, birthed from the afternoon sun made the view all more beautiful. It was the only place where no one could see his scarred body, no one could judge him for staying there as long as he wanted. He could be himself completely, with no filter, think better, maybe letting few tears escape. 

He stripped off his clothes, just being in his boxers, and took off the slippers he didn't remember changing them into shoes. He kept his foot on the crunchy grass, yanking to the memories of the time he hadn't gone to Hogwarts. He inhaled deeply the familiar scent that had never failed to soothe his soul. He slowly sunk into the water and the tension of his muscles began to ebb away. He played his recorder which sang the song he had been too scared to listen to, but now he was going to listen, relish and feel. 

He didn't know why he wanted to but he just knew that he wanted so badly. He shut his eyes and he slumped his body against the wall of the lake. 

_Darling, hold me, hold me, hold me_

He saw two bodies clung to each other as they danced slowly with the rhythm of the music. 

_And never, never, never let me go._

The fairest hands were pink on the knuckles, grasping the other's arms as if holding onto their lifeline. 

_Darling, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me_

He saw those eyes he was yearning for. Silver orbs shining like two big stars. Those dark hair falling down the shoulders, rippling like waves of the black sea. 

_And never, never, never let me go._

They both swayed very delicately in each others' hold, eyes locked with each other. He could feel them. He could feel how they were nuzzling into each other, sniffing their scents, their warmth, their blood, their heartbeat, and especially their love. 

_Lock my heart, throw away the key_

He could hear them, laughing, giggling, and falling in endless love. 

_Fill my love with ecstasy._

They kissed. 

_Bind my heart with your warm embrace_

Kissing very slowly and softly. 

_And tell me no one would ever take my place._

Their right hands were rested on each others' chest, right where their hearts were situated. 

_Darling, tell me, tell me, tell me_

_You'll never, never, never,_

_Never, never, never..._

Suddenly, they were gone, and so was the music. 

Remus opened his eyes and realized that his face felt sticky with dry tears. He sighed, watching his blurry reflection in the water before him. He thought about Sirius again even after promising himself that he won't recall him. It was very hard not to. There had never been a day, an hour, a minute where he hadn't thought about his former lover. He had been imagining him standing by his bed every night, staring with his blazing gaze, but whenever he had turned on the lamp, the room had been empty. 

He walked back to his house after watching the sunset. The sky had formed a twilight and it was another breathtaking view to see in an almost night. He entered his house to find his parents sitting in the living room, very tense. Hope suddenly stood up with a worried expression as she saw his son. 

"Dear! Where were you for the past hours?" She exclaimed in her soft anger. 

Lyall was still sitting on his armchair with a serious look etched on his face but Remus didn't bother to stare at him any longer. He rolled his eyes at the sight of him. He had never bonded with his father because he always a brisk attitude and made him felt as if he disgusted him. He had started despising him when he had read the article about his father who had worked at the Ministry in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures and tried to convince the Ministry that Fenrir Greyback was a werewolf. That was not just it. He had called werewolves as ‘soulless, evil and deserves nothing but death.’ Those words rang every time he encountered his father. 

"Mom, I just went for a walk." He replied simply. 

"Yeah, but you could've mentioned it before going. We were worried about you!" 

He just had a long soak and now his parents were destroying his peace. 

"Mom, it's fine." He replied, trying not to sound too cold. "I was just a few miles away." 

"Miles?" A stern voice spoke from his mother's behind. He rolled his eyes again. 

"Yes, Dad. Miles, so? What’s your problem?” He was suddenly so angry. Hope gaped at him and Lyall stood quiet. 

"Remus!" She said indignantly. "How you are talking to your father?" 

"Well, why does he care? Whatever I do, Wherever I go, whatever I am." He pointed his index finger at Lyall who was now sadly staring very quietly. 

"Because he was worried about you! Running out of the house without informing is so unlike you, Remus!" Her mother retaliated. 

"Well, He wasn't worried about consequences when he had called my kind of people soulless and evil. He wasn't worried that he had a four-year-old son! He wasn't worried that those werewolves had hearts just like me! He wasn't worried to leave me in the room alone in the night when I was bitten!" 

There was suddenly the most uncomfortable silence in the room where her mother had stopped arguing and Lyall just stood there looking down with guilt. Remus was shocked by himself as he drained out his anger on him, instantly regretting, but he didn't show it. 

"I know, Dad, " He spoke directly to his father, "that you don't accept me as a werewolf. I can see that in your eyes. And you know what, I don't care about your acceptance...your rules and this discipline brought up. I don't care if you don't accept me after I tell you that I am gay!" 

Remus couldn't believe that he had said that. It was like someone else was trying to pull out words from him. He laughed maniacally but no one joined. Lyall was not interested in the floor anymore. Hope had tears in her eyes. 

"See! Like I said." Remus exclaimed in painful amusement and ran upstairs to his room, leaving his parents dumbstruck. 

He shut the door behind him. While completely ignoring his emotional pain, he quickly opened the drawer where he kept the potions for his post-transformation. He picked out the Draught of the Living Death and drank it in one go. He had had them after every worst transformation; They were being consumed quite frequently. It wasn’t even sixty seconds for him to flop on his bed into a dreamless dream. 

He woke up in the middle night, his mind dizzy, and his stomach growling. He groped his hand on his nightstand for his wristwatch. It was half-past two. The effect of the potion had worn off since he had slept before supper. He tip-toed down the hall and into the kitchen to find food for himself. He was feeling light-headed and his body needed his regular stretches. 

His eyes fell on the calendar above the microwave. Everything about the Lupin House was muggle-like which made it sound hard to believe that they were half-bloods. It was on the 7th of July. Two days were left in the full moon. He felt like crying but he was too exhausted. He sighed and took out the garlic bread he had put it in for warming. He tried not to make a sound but the noise of the microwave door closing was inevitably loud. He hoped his parents were still sleeping. 

However, he heard faint voices arguing. He tip-toed across the living room to his parents' bedroom. The voices started becoming distinct. 

"You don't have to make everything so hard for him! He’s suffering way too much!" Hope's voice. 

"I am not! It is him who thinks that way! He is becoming self-centered and an angry teenager!" His father argued back. 

"It is not his fault that his affliction makes him this way! He is tired! He hasn’t mentioned anything about his friends which is not like him at all! He needs you, Lyall, and you are not making this easy for him!” 

"He doesn't give me a chance." 

"Why do you expect him to give you a chance? You don't even sit and talk to him. The moon is coming. Do you want him to suffer same worst transformation of his life?” 

A few seconds of silence... 

"Hope, I don't know how to..." Lyall's voice became slightly muffled and soft, "I carry this guilt with me. How do I sit before him and ask him how is he doing when I know he is not okay. And I am responsible for his condition!" 

Remus' heart sank on those words. 

"Hope, you don't know," Lyall continued in a hoarse voice, "how powerful guilt is. It destroys you. It kills your insides. You have to live with your failures. You can either die so that you could never know the torture of guilt, or you can survive on the planet for the sake of others. But in the end, you are just like a dead man walking..." 

Guilt . Remus didn't know how it felt to be in one. Out of the blue, a very familiar face flickered in his memory. Those grey eyes that were dull now, the smirk was no longer there, no pink on the cheek; all pale face. After a very long time which felt like an eternity, he felt a true urge to apologize to Sirius Black.


	17. Andromeda's Warning.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius runs away.

_Dear Sirius,_

_I am okay but after reading your letter, it is hard to believe that you are. Dora is great while Ted is struggling with the employment crisis here in the North._

_You sound a little disheveled from the punk-rock attire you wear on your skins. Is everything okay? You can talk to me if you want to._

_As far as the Black family is concerned, you must know that you are getting of age when they trick you into their way of showing submission to the Dark Lord and becoming one of his followers._

_Dark times are arising. War is becoming terrorizing every day. Don't follow under their traps. Never forget what you want to be and where you want to be. That family can never be civil with you, neither did the You-Know-Who with the wizarding world. So don't expect something that their Lord couldn't do._

_Don't become heedless to their vicious customs._

_Take care._

_Andromeda._

Sirius was dumbfounded as he crumpled the letter and whispered an ' _incendio_ ' to remove its existence. 

"Sirius! Are you ready, Darling?" Walburga called out her sweetest voice that sounded as sharp as a knife. He shuddered as he fixed his fancy robes on her command. The Black family was hosting the largest dinner where the Lestranges, Malfoys, Carrows, Averys, and every possible dark family were invited. He was slightly scared of how the evening was going to turn out. He had to be in his best possible manner. However, the letter from his cousin was hard to escape his memory.  Were they hosting this dinner to present him as an heir of Black who was getting his dark mark?

He was swimming in fear and utter perplexity. He looked himself in the reflection before him, shuffling his robes that were tight by his collar and the embroidery stung at his arms, and saw himself pretty flushed. He took a very deep breath and exhaled, and with that, he was off to the dining hall where the guests were assembled. 

The dining hall looked spacious with the help of an enlargement charm as a very long table—just like in the Great Hall of Hogwarts—settled in the very middle of the room, going all the way to the end where the door down to the basement kitchen was charmed as a portrait of Cygnus Black and Druella Black. He could see Bellatrix grinning her evil confidence while Narcissa had her smirk etched on her face, sitting with Lucius Malfoy's hand intertwined with hers. 

The room had a taste of dread and a certain smell of something that reminded Sirius of blood and Knockturn Alley. Everyone's gaze fell on him once he entered as if he was going to be their prey tonight.  Maybe he was. 

"My cousin!" Bellatrix shrilled maniacally, hastily standing on her feet, and waddled his way to hug him. The others eyed him with disgust. He saw Mulciber gawking him with a devilish smirk. However, Barty Crouch Jr was stealing glances with Regulus who was looking down on his plate. Sirius was not talking to him ever since the letter evasion. He couldn't smile when Bella parted from the embrace. She rolled her eyes and ruffled his hair playfully. 

"Bella, don't mess with our son's beautifully styled hair." Walburga stood behind him. "Come on, Sirius, we have a seat reserved for you...." 

She walked him and came to halt by the first chair of the row. He was taken aback by the specialty. He looked over to the empty head chair. He didn't know who was going to occupy it. Sirius was not an idiot enough to not to take a wild guess. The name of the future comer popped in his mind and so did the person, as if Sirius had used telepathy to call them. His eyes widened at the sight. Suddenly, everyone sprang up on their feet and chanted in unison, "Our Lord!" 

Voldemort was in the Grimmauld Place. Voldemort was in the Grimmauld Place. _VOLDEMORT IS THE GRIMMAULD PLACE!_

His mind screamed and his body was not responding. All he could think was about his friends: James, Remus, Peter, Lily, Marlene...He didn't have the reason why he remembered them but their faces kept flickering in his brain as if this was going to his last day of breathing. Sirius' heart began racing very fastly. 

Voldemort walked like a spirit, his feet barely on the ground. His silk black robes looked like dark mist concealing his body in a very elegant manner. He had a serene look on his face. He sat on the head chair, and Sirius almost sat on his chair but Walburga pinched on his back to remain standing with everyone until their Lord ordered them to sit. 

"Ah, wonderful!" Voldemort's calm voice boomed in the room as if he was using a secret muggle microphone. "All of my followers standing in front of me." He spread his hands towards everyone, where Bellatrix was sobbing. "My dear Bella!" 

"My Lord..." Her voice was muffled as she clapped her hands on her mouth. 

Voldemort allowed everyone to sit and Sirius didn't even dare to look at him as he sat nearby him. He could feel his hypnotizing gaze fixed on him but he didn't lift his face to see him in the entire dinner. He was glad that Voldemort didn't talk to him and said his name. 

Soon the dinner was over. Sirius could feel sweat trickling down his spine. He felt an extreme urge to use the restroom. He summoned Kreacher and ordered him to tell Walburga and Orion that he will get back once he used the loo. He was almost up from his chair when he felt a force pushing him towards the ground and he suddenly looked at Voldemort who was looking him dead in the eye. 

"Making a run to somewhere?" He spoke very quietly that only he could hear him. His voice was very forceful. 

"Rest-restroom." Sirius stammered and immediately felt released from the invisible force. Voldemort nodded and Sirius frantically walked out and rushed to his bedroom. 

He burst into his room, his hands were cold and his body quivered. He was racing his mind to think of an escape. He couldn't write anyone a letter and expect an instant reply. He didn't know how to use a muggle telephone to ring Lily or Remus. He didn't know what to do. He began shuffling his trunk mindlessly and suddenly his brain clicked. He quickly took out a square-shaped mirror and looked at it very hopefully, wishing that it could work. 

"James..." 

Nothing. 

"Prongs...Please...James..." 

Nothing. He squeezed his eyes shut, his breathing becoming shallow when- 

"Sirius!" 

Sirius opened his eyes to James' face staring at him. Sirius gasped in relief, murmuring ' thank god ' and ' thank merlin! ' 

"Sirius! Are you okay?" James didn't have his glasses on and he looked as if he woke up from a nap. 

"Were you sleeping?" Sirius wanted to smack his head.  Were you sleeping? Is that even a question to ask when you are seconds away from getting a dark mark, otherwise being murdered? 

"Sirius, you look like you jumped off the cliff and then threw up for straight fifteen minutes, and that's the question you are going to ask? What is going on?" 

"James-its him-he is here-" 

Suddenly, there was a panicky knock. 

"Shit! Stay here!" He whispered and buried the mirror under his pillow. He opened the door to reveal Regulus who quickly pushed himself with him inside the room and shut the room behind. 

"Sirius! Are you planning to get murdered tonight?" Regulus was panting harshly, holding onto the doorknob tightly for support while the other hand clutching his knees. "You need to get down there!" 

"No, no, I can't." Sirius whispered, "I can't get a Dark Mark! I don't want to be his follower!" 

For the first time, Regulus didn't argue. He was at a loss of words. 

"Reg, you gotta get me out of here." Regulus looked up, frowning furiously. 

" What !?" He spat at him, "Are you barking mad, Sirius?" 

"There isn't any choice left for me, is it!?" Sirius felt perspiration under his armpits however a shiver was constantly travelling his body back and forth. 

The younger brother sighed and shook his head, "I can't do anything, Sirius." 

Sirius felt a pang of hurt and let out a ' what ' inaudibly. He thought his brother was going to understand him here and be his aid in such a situation. He was entirely mistaken when he saw his brother's empty eyes and helpless voice.  Helpless in front of his beloved family. Only to be the obedient and proud son of the family. 

"Reg..." Sirius tried again, "Please...I am begging you! For the sake of our brotherhood-" 

"What  brotherhood !? Barely a brotherhood, Sirius! You never put any of your effort into this brotherhood! You didn't love me as your brother! You just used me as your safety! every time  fucking time!" Regulus's chest was heaving up and down. He was never the one to fight violently. He was the soft one, who looked steel in his trademark attire. 

Sirius couldn't believe it. He never expected this. No matter how strained their relationship could get but in the back of his mind, he had the image of Regulus helping in every family fiasco. 

"Reg, I am at a moment where I choose either to die or become evil and unfair, and you can't do anything for me?" Sirius was deeply hurt and so was his voice. He was not harsh nor he was yelling at him. He felt very helpless. They stared at each other for a while until a harsh thudding on the door jerked both of them. It wasn't soon when the door burst open to reveal Walburga and Orion with their wands clutched in their hands, not looking happy at all. 

"What do you think you are doing, young man!" Orion hissed at him while turning back to Narcissa who was standing behind them as their guard, "Cissy, keep watching before Bella comes here and choose this situation as an opportunity to display her loyalty to the Dark Lord." 

"You." Walburga towered up on Sirius and walked closer to him in a menacing way. He could swear that he heard her growl under her mouth that had parted in utmost fury. He could smell her anger that mingled with fear. "You go down there, be a good boy..." She kept walking, speaking in a whisper until the son and mother were one centimeter away. "...and get this!" She yanked up the sleeve of her right arm and there it was.  _The Dark Mark_ . It was a glance and all he could make out of it were the skull and the snake. He was suddenly reminded of how many attacks had been, how many people had lost their families, their loved ones, their homes, and their everything, and Voldemort and his followers were responsible for all of it.  _Could he have afforded it if it had been him at those innocent people's places?_

He looked in his mother's loathful eyes and shook his head gallantly. 

"No. I won't become like you." His mother stiffened and took one step away from him. 

"Okay." The rage was unseen but strongly felt. "We will have to have to use Imperious curse." 

"Are you out of your mind, Walburga!" Orion shouted, "The Dark Lord isn't blind! He doesn't accept followers under an imperious curse! That is not even a hint of loyalty." 

"WHAT CHOICE DO WE HAVE!?" Walburga howled just after she had put a silencing charm in the room "This piece of vermin is an insult to the Black family! The Dark Lord will punish us for him! He has already kept him waiting! So when he was born as a Black then he will be a Black!  Crucio !" 

It all happened in a wink an eye. Sirius' body crumpled down on the floor. The pain was familiar but it felt more excruciating this time. It was like he was thrown into a fire where his bones burnt mercilessly. He was jolting, trembling, begging, waiting for nothing but death. He wanted it to end. He murmured goodbye to his friends for one last time. His regrets enrolled in front of him like a panorama. He saw Snape getting into Whomping Willow, he saw James' furious face, he saw Remus crying, he saw Peter's disappointed gaze. He wanted to see Remus one last time but he knew he couldn't. He just wanted to end...to stop...to die. 

"AHHHHHH!" A woman shrieked. 

The curse lifted and Sirius was not dead. His head was splitting, his vision was blurry but he saw fire. A blonde girl's gown was on fire. People were rushing towards her. He tried to stand on his knees and quickly dug out his wand from his trunk. He made a run for the basement and heard Orion rushing after him. The Grimmauld Place was like a maze. He kept shuffling rapidly down the stair, meanwhile in an intense duel with his father. 

He kept ducking his spells and jinxes. Orion aimed his wand at the longest chandelier that came crashing with a deafening sound. Sirius thought that this was the most absurd idea his father opted because the chandelier created the havoc of shattering glasses and fire spreading by the fallen candles, which hampered their duel. However, Orion was successful to throw few spells at Sirius that he felt hit on his back and his leg. He limped in midst of his running. His vision was becoming vague again. He couldn't recognize the spell his father had hit him with, but he tried to concentrate on the bigger problem. He didn't know what to do when he got in the basement kitchen because it had a two-way entrance; The one from where he had entered and the other which opened to the dining hall where his predators sat in his desperate wait. 

He stopped in tracks when he saw Kreacher standing awkwardly on the table. Sirius cursed under his breath and thought he was dead surely until the elf turned and it was not Kreacher but a very familiar house-elf he had admired ever since the day James had invited him on Christmas the very first time. 

"Master Black!" 

That was the last thing he remembered about that night as his vision was finally blanketed with a blackout and the sounds of screeching and crashing volume down until it completed died away.


	18. I got my brother back.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius arrives at the Potters, completely unconscious and blood-soaked.

James wasn't the one to sit and cry for help, neither he believed in becoming hopeless. He made things happened, he strained his nerves to get what he wanted. That was James fucking Potter who never gave up and he wasn't going to today. 

He sat on the chair with his body stiffened and his eyes fixed on the fireplace where the Potters had connected the Floo Network. Fleamont had to beware him that if Sirius was hit with the cruciatus curse then there were less or no chances for him to apparate with their house-elf, Torby. However, he also knew that they couldn't use the Floo to arrive here with Voldemort at his premises. He gulped down the lump that was forming every now and then. 

James focused hard on forgetting Sirius' screams that he had heard from the enchanted mirror. He had already made arrangements for going to London in the Knight Bus and kidnap his best friend from the horror of his family forever, incase he didn’t come back in next ten minutes. His heart was racing faster as it had been fifteen minutes since Torby had left for Grimmauld Place. He knew that none of the wizards or witches could escape the Fidelius charm at that place, but only the house-elves. 

The tension in the living room was becoming thicker enough for James' breathing to become shallow. He rubbed his eyes, battling the negative thoughts that were streaming in his head, accompanied with questions of 'what if's. 

He wanted to believe that his best friend will be back before him and he could hold him tightly and never let him go. 

_Crack._

The three of them— James, Fleamont, and Euphemia—bolted upright from their chairs and for a second they were frozen when the apparition was not taken place inside the premises, which was strange. James could already smell terror. 

Fleamont rushed out in the porch where the Potters had their tea together to enjoy the view of plain grass field and cattle that overgrazed till the sun stayed in the sky. Today, the night was not dark enough because the full moon hung like a provider to the dark sky.  Remus was writhing in pain, James' thoughts were gushing his brain but he composed himself, seeking for nothing but Sirius. 

"James!" A shiver ran down his body at his father's voice that was painfully a yell for aid. He ran beyond the bushes and came to a halt near the lake where Sirius laid unconscious and gravely injured on the muddy ground, his dripping blood mixed with the puddles of water beneath him. Fleamont did not waste a second like James who had—for the first time in his life—became physically dysfunctional, his mind was rejecting his body. He thought his heart had stopped working. 

His father lifted Sirius in his arms and carried him to the house. Just when James followed him, he noticed his mother sobbing silently with a lump in his arms. The wind whirled about them and he saw the sheet yanking away from the lump, revealing Torby's stilled face. His tennis ball eyes stared up the sky, gazing into nowhere. His mouth was slightly parted and his tiny torso was bleeding. It was easy to decide where he wanted to go and Sirius was his answer but what made him stick to the ground and stare at the scene before them, was Torby's sacrifice. He wanted to help, to bring back, to make things right but then Sirius' image popped into the mind that took him no time to run inside the house. 

The living room was filled with the smell of potions and anti-septics. His first sight, when he entered, felt like a knife scratching the face of his heart. Sirius was recognizable, sleeping on the floor with his shirt unbuttoned and fanned out towards his hands that laid still on the carpeted floor, as Fleamont worked on his scarred chest, dabbing his wound with a brown liquid that made his wounds look older and dry. His father looked over his shoulders and gave his son a small smile. A ‘Everything was going to be an alright’ smile. 

"Dad, what happened to him?" James couldn't believe how thick his voice sounded. 

"Like I said apparition was not going to be lucky for them..." His father was engrossed in cleaning Sirius but he kept talking just as gently as he had always been. "Well, it was lucky for Sirius right here..." He continued, now taking off Sirius' shoes. "Not for our dear house-elf...such a good friend he was..." James felt aggrieved at the sorrowful voice of his father. 

"You see these wounds?" He pointed to the ones that traveled from his shoulder to his navel. It was almost like his flesh was peeking through the jagged cut. "This is from being splinched." 

James was not in a mood of listening where his other wounds came from. He didn't want to hear about how his best friend was butchered by his own blood family. 

"Most of his wounds are from splinching. But his back...let's not assume anything." He internally thanked his father to stop talking about wounds. He folded Sirius' trousers to see if there were any injuries in there but fortunately, his family had not entirely been merciless. Fleamont didn't strip his trousers because he wanted Sirius to gain consciousness first. James knelt beside Sirius and brushed his damp bangs from his forehead and just rested his palm there. His face looked so peaceful and free from worries. He continued to gaze him, making a promise with himself that he will never let go of Sirius Black again. 

"He will stay here. With us." James and Fleamont looked up to see Euphemia with tears in her eyes, leaning on the doorway with a handkerchief clutched in her palm. There were blood smudges on her blouse. What surged into James so suddenly he didn't get to process but before that, he had embraced his mother so tightly and cried with all his strength. 

"Honey, it's going to be alright. We know how much you love him and how much you've wanted him to stay here. You think that a mother cannot read her son's eyes or listen to his heart?" 

She pulled away and looked into his face, giving him the most promising smile that brought warmth to his heart. 

It was midnight and Sirius was now resting on the mattress they had arranged before the fireplace. James had brought extra duvets and pillows for himself to look after his friend. He was aware of how he had always fought with nightmares and sudden loud sounds back at Hogwarts. They had brought the picture of those excruciating moments that had traumatized his existence. 

Very bizarre and senselessly fearful thoughts were crossing the mind of James Potter as he laid awake on the couch nearby Sirius. He kept sitting up and kneeling before Sirius to check his heartbeat like a mad man and was relieved when it felt steady. He had never been a pessimist but neither the Universe had thrown him in such a situation. He argued with his inner self that he can also be doubtful, scared and  so so terrified. 

In the middle of the night, he witnessed what he had known was going to come:  Nightmares . 

He saw the smooth face of Sirius crumpling in an awful cry, murmuring apologies and defenses. It broke James' heart when he heard him saying Remus' name, which made him slip under the covers and wrap his arms around him, concealing him in his embrace as if it could help in hiding him away from every unfortunate event in his life.  Maybe he couldn't be able to fix his life because he was not the god of his life, but he was not going to let him face his problem alone.

He was going to be there for him. He wanted to have Remus among them. He  so needed  Remus because he could feel the pain of Sirius, no matter what. He thought of him and Sirius and a bittersweet feeling settled in him when he peered through the window and looked at the full moon that was now higher and smaller in the sky, and grieved over his two friends who were destined to taste the agony of their lives, but together. That night when James was staring at Sirius in his arms—the creases on his face had now disappeared—he was answered of one thing about himself, one weakness that he was not ashamed to have, that  he could not afford the loss of his loved ones. 

James witnessed the morning blanketing the sky as the horror and guilt kept him awake from last night. Sirius was still smushed under his embrace, like a terrified baby. It was so surreal to watch his best friend becoming so unlike himself. He had been a confident, according to an eleven year Remus, an arrogant, and self-obsessed person who'd never let such circumstances make him feel vulnerable. He looked so small and heartbroken. James believed that he and his friends were also equally responsible for Sirius' condition. All of his thoughts were suddenly ablaze to ashes when he felt Sirius move in his arms. He carefully snaked out his hands that were holding him, before his friend could be more embarrassed about being held.  James knew Sirius to his cores. His eyelashes fluttered and James could see the sliver of his blood-flecked eyes. 

"James?" Sirius spoke in a gruff voice. James beamed up at him. 

"Padfoot, you feeling better?" He asked very gently. 

The latter nodded so naively that clenched James' heart. 

"You need a breakfast." James spoke, "and so do I." He chuckled but Sirius just smiled small. He sprang upon his feet, adjusting his disheveled pajamas, and made his way to exit the living room with a heavy heart. He wanted to comfort Sirius and ask him about last night but he also didn't want to suffocate his friend with bitter memories. There was an awkward line between them. He could tell by Sirius' eyes that felt unknown to him. 

"Thank you, James." He stopped in his tracks and turned to face his friend looking so squirmed and pale. There was a hint of a smile on his face. 

"Not at all, Padfoot." 

He was heading back to use the loo, but he stopped again. 

"You know, last night," James saw Sirius flinch and yet he continued, "Mum and Dad were talking to Dumbledore for the approval of becoming your guardians. He did approve but they still need to ask you...if you want to be here-like as their second son-well not to mention the elder one-“ He scratched the back of his neck nervously, “and of course as my brother? And also...because you do not miss Hogsmeade trips, right?" 

All of the hesitations evaporated away from him when he Sirius smiling so warmly and  _everything felt enough for him._


	19. A sharp knife of short life.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lyall talks to Remus.

Remus was not surprised as he stood in front of his bathroom mirror and saw a very long cut on his stomach, gleaming red and very furious one. He pulled a face to himself and shrugged as if talking to his body that  'this is how it is going to be, deal with it.' 

He gulped down those necessary potions and stopped when he picked up the Draught of living and dead. He gave it a think; He had been consuming it frequently and he was scared it was going to cause him the loss of memories— _as much as he would love to but he had his education and the magical brain that he didn't want to waste away because of easing pain that he should have been used to of._

However, silencing the stinging in his body was not the main reason for such consumption, he just didn't want to face his parents yet. He had survived two days with the struggle only he could understand; The silent dinners and breakfasts, he had always managed to escape lunch and his parents hadn't argued or objected to his behavior. _Maybe because of the moon. Well, now the moon is not full anymore until the next month so where are you, parents?_

Remus was becoming agitated with, strangely,  _guilt_ . The guilt for making his father feel bad, for not writing to James properly, for not responding to any letters from Lily and Peter, for making a lame excuse to Lily when she called via telephone one day before the full moon, and for so many things he didn't want to count. He was disappointed in himself. He was being a selfish friend to those people who accepted him after knowing what he was. 

Remus was startled when he heard a knock on the door. Of course, his mother was here to check upon him. He exited the bathroom, quickly clothe his naked torso, and opened his door to found Lyall standing there. 

Remus was taken aback, and the sudden feelings of embarrassment and surprise hitting him.  Shit . Lyall was wearing one of his looks that were never reserved for Remus: Solace. 

"Can I come in?" His voice didn't sound the same either. Remus felt his brain short-circuiting. He nodded and walked towards his bed. "Lay down, son. You are tired." Lyall gently reached for a dumbstruck Remus and pushed him on the bed by his shoulders, and seated himself at the edge of the bedpost where Remus had his legs resting. He couldn't process the thoughts that were causing mayhem in his brain, so he just sat quietly and waited for his father to speak. 

"Remus, I am so sorry." 

He felt the world just turned upside down. 

"I am so so sorry, son." His voice was so painful as he continued, "I know that you are not ready to forgive me so easily, and it's okay. I just want you to know that I can never hate you and I certainly do not disgust you. I love you the way I've always loved you. You are my son." 

Every word of his father was doing things to Remus' fragile heart. As if the broken pieces were coming to the places they used to be. 

"Every time I see you turning into a wolf, I disgust myself. Not you, never you." His sea-green eyes were glistening, "I am always reminded that I did this to you. The guilt that I am living with can never leave me. I regret the day when I called werewolves...." 

"Say it, Dad..." He was surprised at how much he was trembling and so was his voice. 

"Soulless...evil...deserves nothing but death..." Lyall eventually broke down, recovering his face, and quivered as he sobbed in his hand. He had never seen Lyall cry with such distress, and he had never felt his heart breaking. He moved by the heel of his feet and winced as the wound on his back sent a sharp spasm that was not helping him to reach forward, so he extended a hand in the air. His fingertips were brushing Lyall's arm. Lyall looked up, tear-stained and scarlet ears, and grasped his son's hand. 

They sat in silence for few minutes. 

"I was young, intelligent and a gallant wizard working in the Ministry." The tears were rolling down very fastly from his eyes, "I was so proud of myself and so were your grandparents. I thought my life couldn't be more perfect. I had the love of my life as my wife and a son. I had a perfect family and a good career. But I was also arrogant, power-seeking, and a self-centered wizard. I couldn't even imagine being insulted for my speculations. And when I was, I displayed the worst version of myself, and that came with a price when my son...." 

He shook his head and Remus knew that he couldn't speak any further. It was becoming difficult to breathe with his nose was stinging and his throat was tightening. He didn't know what was stopping him to shed the tears that was waiting to be freed from the prison of eyes. 

"I am so sorry..." Lyall whispered harshly, his voice barely recognizable, and that was enough for Remus to let himself be pulled in his embrace, despite his sored cuts on his body. The scent of chamomile soap filled his nostrils as he buried his face in his father's chest, and very vague memories flooded back in his mind. 

"It's okay, Dad," Remus whispered back and felt Lyall's arms tightened around him. 

"Remus, I am sorry for millions of things." Lyall pulled apart to meet their eyes, "I-I am sorry for 11 eleven years of deprivation and misunderstandings." 

Remus felt his heart heavy but there was warmth lingering there. He was feeling it, the mending of a broken heart. He felt calmer as if all the anger and agitation just needed the love of his father to evaporate away. 

He had to find composure when he went to Hogwarts and made a new family but his summers had been just as bitter when he had been eleven years old. This summer had brought all of the tartness and agony back in him, but now as he had his father's arms around him, everything felt like coming back. 

He nodded and smiled at Lyall who grinned so broadly that it was also the first time Remus had ever seen him so happy. He knew that he had forgiven his father but it was going to take time to build their relationship. He was never flexible to bond up with people so easily, it had taken him solid two years to bond up with the Marauders, and in the third year, he had been ready to confess his darkest secret. 

"Oh, and Remus," Lyall rummaged in the pocket of his shabby jacket, "This came for you today." 

Of course. A letter.  He felt warmth yet a tinge of guilt because he knew that it was going to be one of James' mandatory letters which he always sent after every full moon. He held the letter and suddenly his insides twisted, something hot reached up to his chest and up to his neck to cheeks. He was frozen as if he had shut down completely. 

Regulus Black. 

"Remus, is everything okay?" Lyall asked, and Remus nodded robotically. 

"Just someone I was not expecting." He replied. 

"And there is the other one too, probably from Pettigrew." 

Remus noticed that there was another letter beneath Regulus'. 

"Who is this? Is it the same Black, friend of yours?" His father questioned. He wanted no conversation about Blacks. It was always a milestone to discuss something that involved Sirius and his family. It made him feel guilty for overlooking the unfair fact of Sirius dealing with a malevolent family. 

"No...It's his brother." He murmured. 

"Isn't he in Slytherin?" 

Remus hissed softly, shutting his eyes for a brief second.  _Is he the same Dad who used to be so quiet and serious?_

"Okay..." Lyall must have had noticed that he was annoying his son so he stood up, gently clapped Remus' shoulder, and began to walk to the door until— "Is he a boyfriend or something?" 

Remus suddenly looked up to find his Lyall with a funny look that made him burst into laughter. 

"Dad, you-" Remus seemed to have forgotten about Regulus's letter. "you're kidding, right?" 

"What? Like gay means the involvement of same sexes right? Or if that Regal person is a girl." 

"Regulus." 

"Yeah that," Lyall murmured with a grin playing on his lips, and it made Remus' heart swelled with love. He was not happy because Regulus was his secret boyfriend, neither for calling him Regal and a girl because none was of them were true, but it was because he had just witnessed that his parents had accepted him.  _Sure, he didn't mind for not hosting a special gay dinner where his parents would give a speech about how much okay they were with their son for fucking boys, because of course, they never expressed their love with giant displays but gestures of love were enough. However, his father's apology was an exception._

"No, he is not my boyfriend, Dad. His brother is..." He suddenly trailed off, looking down. All of the memories suddenly came rushing back, and the worries of Regulus' letter was inevitably the first that awaited to haunt him. 

"Used to be?" Lyall suggested. "Sirius Black, isn't he the one?" 

Remus winced. Even the mention of his name triggered his guilt. 

"Yeah, how did you-" 

"Your mother had her hunches." Remus shook his head in disbelief. He gestured to the letters and Lyall nodded, returning to the door. 

"Dad." Remus suddenly spoke, "Thank you. For this." 

Lyall didn't have that very goofy grin, there was a serene smile that came more from his eyes than his lips, and when he finally left the room. 

Remus quickly tore Regulus' letter to reveal the parchment. 

_Remus Lupin,_

_I hope you are happy now._

_Regulus Black._

Remus felt as if his whole body was either thrown in fire or been soaked in icy cold water. He could certainly feel the strong spite and bitterness in those words.  Now? What did he mean by now? What had happened? Is Sirius okay? Sirius was not okay, and whatever had happened to him it was all going to be my fault. Oh no. 

Don't jump to conclusions, Lupin! Think straight! 

He quickly opened Peter's letter. 

_Dear Remus,_

_Hope you are alright. This letter will arrive late to you, probably after full, because I am in Wales with my parents and of course our grandparents who are not good company at all. Anyway, I hope you have a better moon and are feeling better._

_How is Mr. and Mrs. Lupin? Did you tell them about your...?_

_I am sorry if I am being nosy but you barely send a letter, but we are relieved that you are still talking to Lily, or she's talking to you? Anyway, I just wanted to know if you are okay with us? Me and James? We all have been worrying that Sirius doesn't answer any of our letters._

Remus' heart skipped a beat. 

_James had probably sent him more than ten or fifteen, but he doesn't answer to any one of them. And lately, I haven’t heard from James either. It's strange because he always answers on time. Did he write to you? Please let me know, Moony. I don't feel so good about this._

_James had asked me to visit in August, and now I've sent him a letter to know if he is still up to invite all of us, even Sirius, then he must tell. But it has been a week, no letter yet._

_Moony, I know it's not my place but please forgive him._

_Write to me as soon as you can, I'll be returning in early August. Hope we meet soon._

_Best wishes,_

_Peter._

Remus just sat there on his bed, waiting for everything to sink in, process, and then decide what to do next.


	20. Can I have you back?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So James is worried that Sirius is so distant, but he will make him talk. ABOUT EVERYTHING.

"So, Padfoot!" James chimed in, which almost jerked Sirius from his chair. 

"Oh, Hi." He replied shortly. 

"So, you think you could beat me in chess?" He was internally praying to Merlin for a green signal. 

"Do you think you could beat me in chess?" 

_Ha! GREEN SIGNAL. Typical Black charisma! Score, Potter!_

"You're on then!" He sprang on his feet like a toddler. 

"uh...I don't know." Sirius trailed off and kept scratching his thumb with his nails that were growing obscenely long. "I don't feel like playing chess..." 

This had not been the first time Sirius had turned James down like this, but he had never done it to Euphemia when she used to ask his help in cleaning up the dishes. Fleamont was deliberately playing board-games with him twice a day, to keep Sirius busy, and he had asked James to do the same but it was never a victory. James didn't know what to do. He was never uncomfortable with keeping a conversation. According to Lily, Remus, and probably everyone who had known the great James Potter, he had a very efficient chatterbox that had never shut up, but shockingly it was not working in front of his best friend.  _Wow, James!_

Sirius had been avoiding every possible conversation that involved anything emotional which could remind him of his family or that traumatic night. Sirius had only talked about his family when Dumbledore flooed to the Potters and asked him questions about Voldemort's visit to the Grimmauld Place. Dumbledore had taken his approval for declaring Euphemia and Fleamont as his foster parents for his Hogwarts records, which was going to follow his registration as an adult wizard by the Ministry. 

James had tried and tried but he was failing miserably which was causing him nothing but agitation. He needed something as a reason to communicate with Sirius and coax him up into pouring his heart out. It was becoming dangerously a burden for James not to talk to his best friend to clear the thick air of discomfort between them. 

He was munching down his breakfast while ignoring the tightness in his chest. Sirius tentatively entered the kitchen and James had already caught a whiff of the tensed air that was starting to fill the room. 

"Hey, good morning," Sirius murmured and sat across him on the table. 

"Morning..." James was slightly taken aback because he had never expected any word from him. 

He watched Sirius buttering his toasts gingerly. There were dark circles under his eyes. His face was terrifying pale and his lips were white. James felt a tinge of pain in his heart as he observed the very new Sirius Black in front of him. 

"So..." He began, "What are you planning to do today, Pads?" 

There was a brief pause and James thought he was going to flip out if his question was ignored like every  fucking time. 

"Umm, I was wondering we could play Quidditch today?" 

James thought he had imagined him saying that so he asked him to repeat what he had said and then he realized that it wasn't an imagination. He was suddenly bursting with exuberance. 

Ever since the morning, James was brimming with joy and he was finally seeing Sirius barking out his very own laughter, which was nothing but bliss. 

Sirius had his broom since all of his belongings had already been mysteriously arrived at the Potters and that included a letter on the top of his trunk, which stated the disownment of the Sirius Black III from the Black Family. 

They both played Quidditch till Euphemia's call for lunch. They were finally joking about Lockhart's infinite girlfriends which, to James, was an improvement to their bond. 

Everything was going well at the lunch until Remus' owl arrived at the kitchen's window. James witnessed the horror on Sirius' face. James also immediately perceived the ignored truth that he hadn't been communicating with any of his friends, ever since Sirius had arrived, neither Lily. He had completely missed Peter's letter. However, it was a surprise to see Remus' letter because he had been barely communicating. 

Fleamont had the wit of the cleverest as he cut the tension by busying Sirius with stories of James learning Quidditch before he went to Hogwarts. James couldn't be more grateful to his father, as he took the letter and exited the kitchen to read it after giving sweets to the owl. 

_Dear Prongs,_

_I know what you are thinking right now, and yes, I am a terrible friend who is only writing to his best friend because he needs him right now._

_I am so sorry for being so self-centered and rude to ignore your letters about my well-being. I couldn't be more sorry for this. Hope you forgive me._

_I wanted to ask about him, Sirius, because I am having a very bad feeling about him. Not that I carry the foresight nor Divination has taught me anything but Regulus sent me a letter yesterday (since you'll recieve my letter in more than 24 hours so yeah, two days ago) and he didn't mention anything about Sirius though, but he just wrote 'I hope you are happy now." which I don't think was the act of any kindness._

_I wanted to ask if you are in touch with Sirius or not. I am worried about him. I don't know if I should be but I am._

_I have an ugly feeling that something had happened to him. Please let me know._

_Peter and Lily are worried that you are not responding to their letters._

_Respond to me soon. Take care._

_Love,_

_Moony._

The night had befallen and James was gathering his scattered impulses in one giant courage to talk to Sirius about the letter, Regulus, that night, their relationships, the prank....and everything. 

They were all sitting in the living room, watching a muggle film about natural disasters and James could tell that no one was engrossed in the television except his parents because his eyes were only fixed on Sirius who was clearly lost in endless trains of thoughts. 

James got up and tapped him on the shoulder, "Sirius, come with me." 

They were soon in James' bedroom, and Sirius was looking everywhere but at James. 

"Sirius, I know you always try to escape this part but I want to say few things to you." James was strongly ignoring his hammering heart and braced himself to extinguish the confusions once and for all. Sirius nodded obediently. 

"Look, I am so so sorry, Pads. For everything. For the lost times. I was a pathetic friend-did I ever mention that? I am so sorry. 

"Whatever happened between you and Remus was none of mine to interfere and yet I did because I-I always thought that maybe I was never there for Remus the way I have always been for you, and this situation was really out of my right mind. I don't want to recall it but I guess I was never angry at you. I was trying so hard to show that I was and I vowed to be fair but whatever...I can never be fair when it comes to you. I hope you know what I am trying to say. I have never had a brother before but I always wanted to...I don't know how brothers are like but I believe they are there for each other No. matter. what." 

Sirius kept his glistening gaze locked with James'. 

"I was just being equitable and in between us, I shouldn't have been. People would say I am mad and I’d let them. I love Remus like my best friend but I’ve known you very closely and I know what goes in that head of yours. You are not a bad person, Sirius. Maybe that is why I had always ignored your mistakes because i know you don’t mean them. But this time...I was just trying hard to prove that I was fair and right...but deep down I knew it was never right between us. And even after I knew you were sorry.  _Very_ _much sorry._ You apologized every single time, but accepting them felt like betraying Remus. I am sorry that we were hard on you. You didn't deserve this. I am glad that you are in front of me...and I have a chance to say these things to you.” 

James held Sirius' face without any hesitation and a tear escaped from those grey eyes. 

"And if you think any of us-Peter, Marlene, hell even Remus, hates you or doesn’t want to be with you, you are wrong. We all miss you...and if you don't believe that-" 

James hastily took out the crumpled parchment from the pocket of his trousers and gave it to Sirius. 

"It's from Remus, he's worried about you. Even Lily is, we used to write to each other every day. Peter had always begged me to invite you in August so we could all be reunited.” 

Sirius was very quiet and just stared at the letter in his hand, and the air of discomfort suddenly vanished and James could feel him finding his voice, and then he did. 

"James...I don't think Remus and I would be the same again. We had rows after I outed him, and I saw the  hate in his eyes for me." 

James felt that they both sat under the cloud of melancholy, and it was strangely satisfying to let their guards down and to feel vulnerable together. He let him say. 

"I loved him, James." Sirius whispered, "Not in a platonic way. We were dating for few months." 

"Yeah I know, Pads." James murmured, "Do you still love him?" 

"Of course I do. Love doesn't come with a choice, does it? You just can't help but fall in it. And of course, he can un-love me," He chuckled in the most heartbreaking way that James had to avert his eyes from him, "because I betrayed him. He had the right to hate me. It doesn't even matter if I did that unintentionally or intentionally, Like he said, the damage has been done and nothing could repair it. 

"I tried to move on. I came out but that wasn't easy either because at that time I desperately needed a friend or someone who could tell me that it is all okay, and when I turned to Marlene, she walked away too. As if people were meant to walk out of my life.” 

Every word of him was like a ball of compunction that aimed at James but he was glad that his friend was finally talking. Sirius let out everything and he listened: About his argument with Regulus, his friendship with Edward Finch and how he confessed his feelings, his family's sweet manipulations, and the night he ran away, even his anger on Regulus for daring to contact Remus. James had caught him bringing Remus various times in his conversation—even when he didn't need to—which clarified how much Sirius was missing  his Remus. 

"Sirius, I can't say anything on Remus' behalf." James spoke after a lingering silence, "But I can say this that he doesn't hate you. He can never hate you. And if he loved you then he can be forgiving too." 

He watched Sirius broke into heart-wrenching sobs and he quickly enveloped him in his arms and let him cry on his shoulder. 

"I am  so sorry, Prongs." His trembling voice was muffled but distinct enough for James to tightened his hold earnestly. 

"Welcome home, Pads." He whispered affectionately.


	21. The Nectar of Pain.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius POV

Things had been improving ever since Sirius had opened up to James. They had become inseparable just like they used to be—but Sirius thought their bond had grown more stronger after everything they had been through. 

They used to play Quidditch together under the scorching sun every day until they were called for lunch. One day, Sirius had laughed out his barking guffaw for the first time in a while, when James had fallen from his broom whilst becoming confused with two snitches in the sky since Sirius had released an enchanted ball that was facsimiled to the real snitch. However, this had earned him nor a punch, neither a glare, but a wet peck on his sunburnt cheek. 

"What the hell, Prongs?" Sirius had pushed James away with a funny look but James was jumping like a toddler having his first broom. 

"No reason, brother." He had replied to him by flinging his arm around him, completely heedless of each other's sweaty bodies, as they both had departed to their house when Euphemia's Patronus had called them for lunch. 

They both had accomplished their troublesome ventures which included: wearing muggle disguise and visiting muggle haunted houses in fun galas that were happening around London in the summer break. Their first visit had given them a tearful laugh which was another serene moment for Sirius to relish amongst a huge crowd of people who were eyeing the giggly duo with perplexed glares. He was feeling alive and he was recalling the times when they both used to pull a prank of Slytherin and it had been the same twinkle in James' hazel eyes Sirius had been gazing in when he was throwing insults on the people acting to be ghosts. 

They both had tried sneaking into Lily's house—of course under her knowledge—but they had failed miserably when her sister, Petunia had sent her cat to attack them when they had been climbing to Lily's window. To Sirius, Petunia was hate at first sight. That night, Sirius had dragged a despondent James into a theatre to cheer him up. Fortunately, they had had invisibility cloak with them which made them exempted from paying for their tickets. It had been their first attempt to watch a muggle film and it couldn't have been a more thrilling experience. Ever since that day, those two mischief-makers had been sneaking every night, without their parents' permission, to the theatre for any muggle film they could watch—even if they had to watch it again. 

Sirius had been becoming himself, according to James' appreciative comments and frequent hugs for no reason. It was true, He was feeling so full of life as if exuberance was returning like a lost companion. 

However, no one or thing could escape the terror of the night that was too stubborn to leave Sirius. It lingered like a spirit around him, which was unseen but not unfelt, and it acquired the power of forcing him to recall the worst memories of his life. It was equivalent to the feeling of drowning in a raging ocean. Sirius had known that feeling so closely when one horrible night, he had fallen off the cliff at the age of fourteen when his mother had ruthlessly hit him with a Cruciatus curse for the very first time. He had told Remus when they were sharing secrets in bed. The nightmare didn't engulf him as much he had feared because Remus had been there to hold him so close to his body that Sirius would breathe against Remus' scented neck. 

Now, he stared at the ceiling, fighting against sleep because it came with nightmares he didn't have the strength to bear anymore. He was healing, and he wanted it all to be healed in a blink of an eye. He wanted so many things but he never asked himself the question he had been avoiding lately. He was squeezing his aching and heavy eyes open and shut, to push away the very obstinate sleep. 

_**Do you want Remus Lupin in your life?** _

_YES!_

_**Do you think you deserve having him in your life?** _

_No._

And that's how long the conversation lasted with his mind, every single night. 

He looked around the room, no one was going to be here with him when he would wake up in the middle of the night, asking for nothing but comfort. That was how Sirius Black had to deal with his agitated life. 

The fear kept him awake as he felt his room gradually emitting with the dawn rising behind his window. His eyes fluttered, his brain was numb and his body was protesting, and then he fell asleep. 

_Being Dejected is a tough place to stay because it is a mixture of hope and hopelessness._ _I see before me and it's like seeing a sunrise but when I walk towards its way, the world dissolves and it's all destructive and I feel like I am responsible for the wreckage in front of me. And there is this voice. A question that comes in so many familiar voices;_

_What did you do, Sirius?_

Sirius snapped open his eyes, his vision blurry, as he sensed someone sitting beside him. 

"Prongs?" Sirius didn't recognize his voice. He felt damp by his armpits and neck with the perspiration and the stickiness from his eyes to temples. 

"Pads, you could always wake me up." James spoke in an apprehensive tone, "It is better than listening to your heart-wrenching screams." 

"I'm sorry." He said but James shook his head and squeezed his hand. 

"I got really worried. Don't scare me like that, mate." 

It was morning, and James was still in his pajamas. 

"No Quidditch today?" Sirius asked. 

"Nope, we have guests coming today." James was grinning at him. Sirius frowned at the mention of someone coming. He felt awkward because he hadn't had any interaction with anyone in a while. He felt as if he was lacking the confidence to come in front of people. He hadn’t even pondered that he had to go to Hogwarts after a month and face everyone eventually. 

"What guests?" He asked as he sat up to get in eye level with James, who suddenly chuckled and shoved him playfully. Sirius was extremely confused so he deducted, "Evans?" 

James shook his head and kept throwing that look which was usually the one when you tease your best friend about your crush.  _Yes, that is the one._

Suddenly, it hit him.  Shit!

Before he could react, James blurted out what he was not expecting but dreading.  _STUPID POTTER!_

"We are having a Marauders' Reunion." 

"No." Sirius didn't know what came out of his mouth but he did know that James' face fell as if he was told that Quidditch was banned for life. "Absolutely, No." 

"What?" Sirius felt hurt at James' voice. He quickly got up from his sheets to end the conversation as soon as possible but— 

"No, no, no. You are not going to walk away from this." James had caught him by the wrist, "What do you mean no?" James continued, but he was not harsh, just concerned and  typical Potter , "Like-what? You haven't forgiven them or us?" 

Sirius hissed and hurled his hand out of the grasp. 

"Prongs, they were not the ones to be forgiven if you remember the incident distinctly because I do." 

"So you think they haven't forgiven you?" James asked with a sarcastic chuckle. 

"No, Prongs, I don't  think but I  know that  Remus has not forgiven me yet." Sirius felt a shiver ran down his body. James sighed and stood before him, leaning against the wall near the bathroom door. 

"Look, I had to invite them and you know why. I can't ignore the fact that I had invited them long before you came. And even if you hadn't run away I would have still begged you to come. This is our ritual. To be united forever." 

"Yeah, but what kind of ritual when I broke the Marauders apart!?"  _It was still hurting to say those words rhetorically._

"Oh, you dummy!" James held his head in his hands and groaned in frustration. "Where is that old, and stubbornly optimistic Sirius Black?" 

"Dead long ago," Sirius replied like a kicked puppy, but James was smiling reassuringly. 

"No, he is still there but this Sirius had taken loads of unnecessary guilt with himself. Don't be too hard on yourself, Padfoot. 

"Everyone makes mistakes." James squeezed Sirius' shoulder. "And you made a mistake which you are sorry about. You just have to bring those broken pieces altogether, just a tad hopeful, Pads, and it will be alright." 

"Do they know about me?" Sirius asked timidly. 

"No, I think that's your story to tell. I didn't even mention that you are here. But they are assuming that you are coming anyway." James winked at him but Sirius was still not convinced about everything. 

The dread awaited to gulp him away like a ravenous monster on his path.


	22. When the Moon met the Star.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus comes before Sirius at the Potters.

Remus was furious and he had the right to be, because he was a werewolf with no will of his own, and he had a friend named James Potter who had invited Sirius Black for the summer break without even mentioning his secretive plans to any of the Marauders.  _Oh, Marauders who? Sirius had torn them apart long ago._

Everyone—James, Sirius, Peter and Mr, and Mr. Potter—sat together in the dining hall which was no less small than a classroom at Hogwarts, fitting for fifty benches at least. Remus had no desire to devour the turkey Mrs. Potter had made in the honor of his son's guests, as he just nibbled the mashed potatoes from his fork so that he could say in his defense that he was joining them in the dinner just as much. 

Remus had arrived at the Potters before the sunset because his father had to apparate for his job to begin his evening shift at the departmental store and their Floo Network was out of order, so it had been his first experience of the apparition. Those were some very sick microseconds that he had puked right after he had hit the ground, and the Potters' House nestled in the plain grass field before him. 

James had been waiting on the porch and it was probably the first time in the longest while when Remus had thrown himself at James with the exuberance of reuniting with his best friend he had missed so much. It hadn't been it until he had gone inside the house to greet Mr. and Mrs. Potter, and in the midst, he had found a certain familiar face sitting opposite to Mr. Potter, a chessboard parting those two. 

He had felt like the carpeted floor had suddenly vanished and he had started apparating automatically in a strange way that the image before him didn't change into nothingness, but it stayed there, including the presence of someone he was not expecting. They weren't a friend, They weren't an enemy. They weren't someone he hated, They weren't someone who he would like to love after what Remus had been through because of them. 

In the middle of the living room, there stood Sirius Black, his limbs moved as if some inexperienced person had been controlling them remotely and his eyes were wide, looking right at Remus. He had felt strangely understandable towards him but he hadn't shown any hints of it at that moment. The voices of Mr. and Mrs. Potter had muffled in the same way when Remus would wake up from his painful transformation and he would listen to the unsettling and distant noises of students running behind the Hospital Wing. 

He had seen Sirius at his worse times, but this had to be the worst. His face was not as flawlessly fair as it used to be. His eye bags had become a part of his face as if they were going to stay forever. His lips were darker and Remus could smell the cigarettes he had consumed on them. However it was the same heartbeat he could feel in his ears and it made Remus' blood race faster, warming his neck and cheeks but his chest tightened every single time he concentrated on Sirius sitting across him. 

He hadn't gotten a chance to argue with James for... _what exactly?_

Remus didn't know if he should altercate with his friend on the question which was popping in his brain like a stubborn child:  _Why didn't you tell me that Sirius was coming too?_

_Well, Moony, this is my house. It's my wish if I'd like to call him or not._

James' voice sounded rude in his head which Remus knew that he was never like that in real life. 

He had been feeling mortified to ask this question because deep down inside, his heart was fluttering ever since he had seen Sirius. Although at their first encounter, he had been gazing Remus like he was staring at a boggart before him. 

Remus felt bad for him, and there was no reason for why such ounces of sympathy was scooting inside his heart which was already suffering the mayhem of unnamed feelings. Therefore, he didn't ask anything from James and pretended that he was happy to be invited. 

The dinner was stretched by Peter's chatterbox. He was talking of every possible thing coming in his head as if he had gulped Veritaserum that kept him rambling about his trip to Wales. 

"Well, then our great-grandma starting whining because my mother hadn't brought her wand on the trip and she had confiscated mine, but the wand listens to the wizard right?" 

He didn't wait for any one to answer as he was so engrossed in making the dinner enlightened with his pointless adventure stories. 

"So it was havoc every time she used it, and I had to do things the muggle way! And it is so frustrating that now I'm habitual of doing everything the muggle way that it just..." 

Remus tried not to listen as he took a sip of his wine, his eyes traveling to the dining table, and he suddenly choked when he found Sirius staring at him. 

"Shit. Sorry." He murmured, quickly wiping the spill on his favorite sweater. He had averted his eyes away from Sirius because it was always intimidating to stare into those eyes. There was always something with his gaze which was so intense, and you could not stare in them without getting lost. 

The wine spillage had stopped Peter for a second, and it also allowed everyone to escape his stories. Mrs. Potter had escorted Sirius out of the hall, with her arm wrapped around him. Remus warily stared them across the hall as Mrs. Potter inaudibly talked with Sirius who kept nodding obediently. It was apparent that the Potters had a certain reserved affection for Sirius. Remus thought it was good because Sirius never had a proper family. He tried not to think about his vicious family though. 

"Hey, Moony!" James suddenly came in view, startling Remus. 

"Hey, Prongs?" He replied nervously. 

"Come on, you're sleeping with me." 

"Prongs, mind your words," Remus smirked at James who barked out his usual laugh. It reminded him of Sirius who had become so timid, according to his 5 hours observation. 

Everyone had gone to the rooms, biding goodnights as the clock ticked ten sharp. Remus was sleeping in James' bedroom with him, while Peter and Sirius were sleeping in the guest room. The Potters were very punctual, but James was an exception of course. He had no inclination to sleep so he sprang out of his bed, also jerking Remus from his mattress. 

"Merlin! James!" 

"What? I knew you weren't sleeping." 

James began to walk out of the room. 

"Wait, where are you going?" Remus asked in a worried tone. 

"Well, none of you are here to sleep, aren't you? You can do that in your own houses. So I'm gonna call Pads and Wormy here--" 

" _No_ !" Remus suddenly blurted out, instantly regretting his tone, but James groaned so louder than his voice. 

"Moony, please, snap out of it! Padfoot has been through a lot and I think we should take him back." 

Remus felt like he was exposed as a very cruel person. 

" _What_ ? And I haven't? What the  fuck was that supposed to mean? When you were the one who invited him while being completely ignorant to what happened between us! Didn't you even had the audacity to bring that to my knowledge?" 

"You barely contacted, Moony!" James retaliated and Remus felt so hot with rage 

. 

"That doesn't justify for you not telling me! You could have told me at least when you sent me the invitation!" He was now standing before James who looked hurt. 

"And then what? You wouldn't have come here?" 

Silence. Remus was suddenly at a loss for words. 

"Of course you wouldn't!" James continued, "I am trying to bring you guys back—“ 

"That's not your problem to—“ 

"To bring back us, Remus!" 

The ringing silence was filled with James' rapid heartbeat. He felt a pang of guilt in his chest. 

"None of us had been the same after how you guys broke up!" 

"I didn't! HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING!" 

"He is! And he is sorry for that, Moons." 

James' voice had become gentler, "I know he messed up, and I have no right to ask you to forgive him, but at least stay in the same room with him." 

Remus didn't know what it was going to leave him with if he forgave Sirius. 

_Would they be obligated to resume their relationship or just start becoming friends? No, he can't be friends with him. He can't bear seeing Sirius dating someone else. Edward Finch was still in his mind, hugging Sirius as if he was his property. That sixth-year Ravenclaw is like a villain living rent-free in Remus' imagination bubble._

"James, there is a lot that I have in my mind related to Sirius. Ever since the incident, I have started questioning Sirius. I have discovered him in ways that I never thought I would. I could feel him consuming a carton of cigarettes a day, he drinks, I could tell that by his eyes. He came out to entire Hogwarts, probably dating that Finch guy! He slept with someone few days after the incident. As if he doesn’t care! About life! About everything—Like he is becoming such a wreck as if he doesn’t care, James! It forces me to think that maybe he never cared! He is still that reckless and stubborn, immature person who— _doesn’t care!”_

He knew that none of those things made any sense but it felt good saying them to someone. 

"I don't even know if it will leave me somewhere. Will he take me? Or should I take him? What he betrays me again? What if he does something reckless again? 

James was patiently listening to him with concerned eyes. 

"What if he never really loved me? What if he was trying something new...like I was his first gay experience—“ 

"Moony, if he would have been unsure about his sexuality, then he wouldn't have come out in front of the entire audience who surely had bullied him," James interjected. 

"I know, but he is Sirius, right? All he does is meaningless and reckless. Something that I have recently learned about him.” 

James shook his head, smiling in a very odd way. 

"No, Moony, you don't know him at all then." 

A sharp shiver ran down Remus' body, and he didn't argue. 

"I know you are not in a place to forgive him yet, and not because you still hate him for what he did—“ Remus interrupted suddenly him. 

"I can't hate him, Prongs. I never hated him" Remus was sure about this. Hate was a very sinful thing for him, especially when it came to Sirius. 

"I know you don't. You have a pure heart right there, Moony." James shoved him playfully, "And I think forgiveness shouldn't necessarily be your priority but a gesture to make him comfortable around us is all I am asking from you." 

Remus knew that he could never deny James with that pleading tone and hopeful eyes. 

"Yeah, okay." He smiled at him. James gave him a nod and was turning to the doorknob when Remus remembered something, "Oh, and Prongs, you never told me what happened with Regulus? Did Sirius told you what was that letter about?" 

It was probably the first time Remus had seen that look on James' face. It was like he was caught red-handed. He had become still but his mouth kept moving as he stammered through his words. 

"Oh-I-Uh yeah, Of course--all was taken-you know-taken care of. Don't worry about it." 

James managed a smile before clapping on Remus' shoulder and sprinted out of the room. Remus knew the second after he ran out, that James was hiding something from him.


	23. Talking to the Moon.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus is confused. He wants to forgive Sirius but he doesn't know if he's worth Remus' love.

Remus' presence in the Potters was like having a ball of flame lingering around Sirius. He had to sit before those amber eyes which were always too quick to glance away from him, and they never failed to tighten his chest. However, to Sirius' surprise, Remus had started to lay off his rigidity he had brought with him on the first day of his arrival at the Potters; He was laughing in Sirius' presence whenever James and Peter cracked a joke about anything, he was suggesting their hangout plans since he had sufficient knowledge about the muggle world, and also, he had once smiled when Sirius had jerked out of the chair when James had exclaimed that there was a cat beneath him. It hadn't worn off the tense silence between them but it had borne a seed of hope in Sirius’ heart. 

It had been four days since the Marauders had reunited at the Potters, and every afternoon they had been going to the nearby lake for swimming. One day when Sirius had stayed behind because he didn't want to expose his scarred body, Remus had asked him, without glancing off the book he had been reading under the tree, "Aren't you going to join them?" 

Sirius had felt as if his tongue had gone dysfunctional and his brain had become fuzzy as he had his gaze locked with the beautiful boy before him, sitting so serenely. Even after so many scars, and distinctively lankier he had become, Sirius still thought that nothing could undo the beauty of Remus Lupin only Sirius Black was able to see. It was like a gift he was proud to have. 

"I-I think I don't feel like swimming." His voice had come out as barely audible. 

After that none of them had uttered a word, but Sirius had felt blood brimming inside him, heating his neck and cheeks. He had been reminded of the times when Sirius was pining after Remus and he used to stutter every time while talking to him.  _Those were the beautiful days!_

The breezy night had befallen as Sirius crushed his last cigarette on the window sill which had become the color of black from white because of the infinite amount of cigarettes he had crushed on it. His trains of thought suddenly ghosted off his mind as his eyes landed on an almost full moon in the sky, and all he could fret about was tomorrow and where was it going to leave him? Did he had to ask for his help? Or did he had to just walk to Remus and offer his help? But could he able to stand straight before him? They hadn't spoken to each other since the afternoon at the lake. There had always been these bizarre feelings that had never escaped to settle inside him every time he had to come before Remus; it made him weak in the knees and the nervousness displayed on his fingers. 

The dinner was over and everyone had gathered in the living room to watch the muggle film but Remus was having headaches due to the moon so he was in James' room. Unlike everyone, Sirius was not at all interested in finding who was  _The Great Gatsby_ in the film as his mind was lingering around the fact that this was the opportunity to talk to Remus all alone, _or_ _maybe ask his forgiveness?_

He climbed the stairs and the James' bedroom door was already opened ajar. He could see Remus sitting on the bed, facing the balcony where the moon was peeking. Sirius felt the familiar tightness in his chest but he internally promised himself that he was not going to let the emotions take over him. He knocked gently and Remus looked at his shoulder, not entirely looking at Sirius as if he already knew that it was going to be him. 

* * *

Being a werewolf had a tiny privilege; Remus could smell the familiar scent getting stronger, and the extremely intimate heartbeat that resonated in his ears louder and louder. Therefore, no knock could startle him in any way. No one could escape the nose of this hound, that was going to surrender himself to the moon tomorrow, and the ears that had the expertise of especially recognizing Sirius Black coming from miles away. 

"Can I come in?" His voice never failed to send shivers to Remus' body. Remus wanted to say no because the wolf was already crawling in his skins and it was craving nothing but Sirius at the moment. 

Remus tried to suppress his blind and ravenous urges that were building inside him. 

He nodded and his nostrils were filled with Sirius' musky scent and the  thump-thump  was making him lose control. He clenched his hands into fists and hid them under his lap. He was glad that Sirius was not able to see his expressions. 

"How are you?"  _What? I don't want to talk to you! Go away!_

"Same.” Remus whispered tensely. He was pulling himself together but his head was throbbing and frustration was lining up to his temples. He wanted to leave, to burst, to explode so that he could calm the sick desires in his brain. The mind was refusing to cooperate with him, suggesting him questions that were beyond the levels of his sanity level:  _Should I just go and kiss him and maybe kill him? Should I fight him or maybe sniff him and hear his heartbeat by pressing my ear on his flawless chest? Should I knock him down on the bed and devour him for this night? Sirius would comply, right? He always does!_

"I wanted to ask you something." 

The questions suddenly vanished the raging storm inside Remus. He turned to meet his face which was pleadingly staring back. He suddenly realized how strained their relationship had been. He was yanked back to the awful memories from March that had led them here. They hadn't even talked to each other, hadn't touched each other, hadn't looked at each other. Suddenly, touching Sirius started to seem like the scariest thing to do. Trusting him had led Remus nowhere but had brought betrayal and every possible pain. 

"Don't ask for my forgiveness." It blurted out of Remus as if those words were on the tip of his tongue. 

There was a lingering silence but Sirius asked, "I wanted to ask if I could accompany you for the moon as Padfoot if you want me?" His voice had become smaller. 

He didn't want him, he  needed him. He had needed him for every full moon but now that he had spent the last five moons without him, this presence didn't matter. He wanted to tell him off but he was reminded of the promise he had made to James for let off his steam somewhere other than on Sirius. 

"Do you want to?" He tried to be as gentle. 

"Yes." He answered immediately. 

"Okay," Remus replied, wishing for Sirius to go away just as much he wanted him in his arms for the night. However, he didn't go. The scent was just as strong but the heartbeat had gotten faster which indicated that Sirius had something to say. And he did. 

"I know it's really hard for you to trust me, forgive me, and especially love me again."  _How can I love you again when I still do?_

Remus didn't hiss at his words because as he was listening to Sirius' loudest heartbeat, he let him speak this time. 

"And I know that I don't deserve any of those things. But that doesn't mean I'm not hoping for them."  _You do deserve those things if you loved me as much as I do. Don't tell, show me you loved me more than I did. You can't because you never did._

"I messed up, Remus. And no matter how many times I've said it but I can't help repeating that I am so sorry because I am, Remus, I am. I would have never forgiven myself too if I were you. It's just that I never thought I would lose you and I did which is a bitter and unbelievable truth to accept. I still remember the night before everything changed, I promised myself that I would never let you go...but Remus, you were gone even after that, as if life snatched you away from me." 

_I thought the same. I thought you would stand by the promise you made in your heart. I had heard you. But you let life take me away from you._

Sirius' voice had never sounded so fragile when he whispered, "Talk to me...Say something." 

Remus closed his eyes and finally freed the words that he had been keeping back. He blamed the moon creeping on his nerves when he said them. 

"You never loved me as much as I loved you." 

Ringing silence. He could swear that he heard Sirius' heart skipped a beat. 

"Maybe..." Remus expected a lot from Sirius but a steady voice wasn't the one. "Because we were never taught to love, you know, it was always important to be taught what power was. Not love, never love. I used to be proud of myself but I guess I shouldn’t have been. I was in complete oblivion. I can’t love properly.” 

A sudden pang of guilt settled heavily on Remus' heart. He knew who ‘We’ was. His family. His vicious, heartless family. He had forgiven Sirius long before he had admitted it. He probably had forgiven him when he had come out to his parents, but the fear had held him. Thousands of insecurities, millions of doubts, and misunderstandings. 

_Why can't he just let them go?_

“Goodnight, Remus.” 

He felt Sirius' footsteps dying away as he walked out of the room. 

_Because I want a proof! Your long speeches of forgiveness doesn’t make me want to trust you. I want something that can tell me the truth. Were you even the right person to love, or to dream of becoming mine forever?_


	24. Love is never boastful.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was full moon, and Remus woke up in a Potter's guest room which smelt of nothing but Sirius. All of his questions were being answered and that was when he felt a certain journal that had Sirius' handwriting in it, and all there was left in Remus was love.

Sirius shifted back in his human form when he heard Remus' breathing becoming steady and smooth. He was asleep naked, covered with wounds that were not as ruthless as he had feared, on the tarnished floor of the Shrieking Shack. 

Remus' father had exchanged letters with Dumbledore to grant him permission of keeping him there since Lyall Lupin had been warned of getting fired if he took another leave. Sec retly , the Marauders had accompanied him too by using the Floo Network and had landed in the fireplace of Honeydukes. 

The dawn had occurred long ago as the tainted room was emitting by the soft light from the sunrise, and Madam Pomfrey was going to be here any moment. Sirius tore a piece of his sleeve and whispered  engorgio on it which resulted in a big grey fleece that he used to tug Remus in it. He knelt beside him and studied his pale face which gratefully didn't have any fresh scars but the silver scratches from the previous moons. His eyes were closed in the most beautiful way that soothed Sirius' soul but clenched his heart at the same time. He brushed off strands from his forehead that were glimmering golden in the pool of sunlight. He wanted to press his lips on his white and chapped lips but he just ghosted off his fingers on them, too careful not to wake him up. 

James and Peter arrived, and reluctantly Sirius rose and followed them to floo back to the Potters. James threw the invisibility cloak on the three of them as they began to walk to the Honeydukes. He wrapped his arm around Sirius who was feeling miserable for leaving Remus alone in the Shack.

Sirius could feel the exhaustion in every part of his body and his muscles were aching for the sleep he didn't have because of the moon. Becoming Padfoot and running around the forest with Moony was another milestone because the werewolf had been a menace to see a large black dog, almost as tall as it until it had relaxed when the Padfoot had bowed to allow the wolf to sniff him and claim him as the part of its pack. Fortunately, Moony had instantly recognized him as it had licked him and curled down calmly around him. Padfoot had to comply and internally Sirius wanted to sob out of happiness. Accompanying Moony on the full moon had felt so reminiscent even after it had made Sirius' body worn out with fatigue. 

Soon, the emerald flames surrounded the trio as they yelled 'POTTERS MANSION' once stepped into the fireplace of Honeydukes, and within a second they were landed into the living room which startled Mrs . Potter from reading her book. 

James denied his mother for the breakfast because all th ey were thirsting  for was sleep only, and to Sirius, thinking about eating pancakes and porridge made him nauseous. They were going upstairs when Mrs . Potter called out Sirius.

"Sirius, darling, you'll be sleeping in James' room and  so  will you Peter, dear." 

Suddenly he was not as sleepy as he w as , a slight spasm ran through his temple as he focused on keeping his eyes wide open to see Mrs . Potter before h im.  Sirius didn't have the energy to ask why.

" Monty  and I were talking to the Lupins and they had asked us to comply with Remus' aftercare when he arrives from Hogwarts. Madam Pomfrey is not at the Hospital Wing and Remus cannot trust someone else there. So we have made arrangements for him at your room, Sirius if that's alright with you?" 

What!? Of course, it's not! Remus wouldn't want to stay somewhere that was filled with my stuff, and especially my scent, which will trigger his anger for sure! What kind of aftercare it is!? 

" Yes,  of course." He thanked  himself  internally for sounding audible enough for Mrs . Potter to smile widely at him.

"I thought you would say that , darling. Now off you go, lot, have some beauty sleep!" She beamed up and James rolled his eyes at Sirius. He knew that now none of them were craving for a slumber just the same . Except for Peter of course. He had practically lived with Sirius for the past five days and he didn't question him for the amount of luggage Sirius had brought at Potter this summer. WHY? Because he was  too  dense to ask that question to himself. 

"So, now what are you going to do?" 

James asked once they were in his room which had two more mattresses on the floor, neatly tugged with duvets and extra pillows were there. Sirius didn't want to care about anything  other  than a long ,  deep sleep at that moment.

"About what?" Peter asked while ya wning but James completely ignored him. Sirius flopped down on one of the mattress es , trying to escape the question by shutting his eyes. He thought that he had succes sfully broke n  free from the wrath of James until he started to feel his body lifting  in the air  and he was no longer hugging the pillow on the mattress. He was being  FUCKING LEVIATED!?

" What the fuck, Prong!?" Sirius yelled infuriatingly but James' expressions were just as mundane as they could be. Sirius landed on James' bed as the spell vanished and James had flopped down on the same mattress which had caught Sirius' dangerous desire to sleep. 

"You'll take the bed, you are more tired than we are." James buried his head in the pillow and he adjusted himself into a comfortable position , put ting  his glasses on the nightstand. Sirius felt a gush of affection  in  his heart as he smushed himself in heavy blankets which had a certain scent of sandalwood soap that lingered on James' skins. Sirius had been strongly familiar with it when he used to fall asleep with James whenever he had nig htmares . 

Speaking of nightmares, Sirius had not shot up awake from his sleep in a while. He had been having enough sleep in the past  few  days. He had felt slightly grateful to the reunion which had kept him from raging nightmares.

"So..." Sirius almost thought that he was the only one who wasn't asleep yet until he heard James from beneath the bed, "You didn't tell me what are you going to do before Moony arrives?" 

"I don't know, Prongs...I am too sleepy to care." Sirius yawned obscenely wide that smirked up James. There was something strange  about  James since the moon. His hazel eyes had never glistened with such solace. His mouth wasn't smiling but his eyes were as he gazed into Sirius' eyes. 

"Pads,  I’m  kind of proud of you." Sirius was suddenly frozen, utterly confused, but James kept his gentle gaze locked with him, "You've grown. I saw how you took Remus in to your care last night. You were not scared of Moony. You ran around with him, even after almost half  a year . And to be honest, we weren't doing anything except following you. Hell, even Peter noticed who is too thick to notice your stuff taking up the whole "guest room" 

"Hey!" Peter whined from James’ behind. 

"Wormtail, do you even know what we're talking about?" James asked  challengingly  which made Sirius smile.

"Uh, I don't know, but you said I was too thick for..." Peter trailed off and he had pensive look on his face. Suddenly, his eyes went wide, mouth parted in a perfect 'o' as he pointed his finger at Sirius.  You got it, Wormy, Congratulations. clap-clap. 

"Yes, Peter, I ran away , " Sirius replied coolly, but he rec eived the sharpest gasp from Peter that made him feel cringe.

"WHAAAAAT!!!??" 

Both of them stared at Peter dum bfoundedly .  Uh? What did he think? 

"I thought you were saying that James has completely given you that room!" Peter said with his hands clutching his blonde hair in the mixed feelings of horror and surprise.

"You daft rat! What do you expect!?" James interjected, "Like why would I give him that room? Because he needs it, and he needed it the night he came to our house soaked in blood! Of course , I'd give him my whole house, which I have." 

Sirius winced and suddenly Peter's eyes turned sad and gentle. 

"What?" This time it was rather a barely audible ' what ', and Sirius was not ready to discuss it and gain pity from the other person, but he knew that he couldn't escape this conversation every time. Everyone had to know one day. He had to stand before people and answer them fearlessly. He was already avoiding the thundering future that awaited him at Hogwarts. He was going to face his brother, the rest of the Slytherins. He didn't care if Remus would know about it, but deep down inside, he wanted to see how Remus was going to take it. 

"Yeah," Sirius swallowed down the fear and began to tell Peter about how he ran away, and how James' parent had taken him in as their second son.

"Your parents." James corrected, and Sirius wanted to hug him forever but he gave him his genial smile and nodded.

"Wow, Sirius," Peter was very much bemused, "I can't tell you how courageously dumb you are...I mean you couldn't surrender even after being  _crucioed_ ?" 

"Pete, It was not easy. It's not like I didn't give it a thought because I did. What if I  had  join ed  them and then not be the  most loyal ? But that's the thing I can never be loyal  to them because this is not me."

Peter stood up, and Sirius couldn't tell what he was doing until he wrapped his arms around him awkwardly. He was never the one to show any sort of friendship gestures.

"I'm sorry, Sirius." He murmur ed in his shoulder. 

"Yeah, we're all sorry, Pads." James came from behind and embraced Sirius' back. Sirius wanted to cry tears of gratitude and tell how his friends were his only family, but he remained there sandwiched between his friends. His eyes were closed and he inhaled the familiar scent of friendship filling his nostrils, swelling his heart with love.  He was happy to be alive. 

* * *

"Moony?"

"Hmm?"

"You'll never have me back?" The voice weighed nothing but pain.

"Sirius...I don't love you anymore."  _No, That's not true!_

"But I still love you!" He was crying. 

_I know you do and I love you too! Please come back!_

"Sirius, go away."  _No, come back! Don't go! Sirius! Padfoot! Please listen to my inner voice!_

"Moony, don't do this, I'll die without you."

"Then die!"  _No!!_

A dead large dog was laying lifelessly beneath the pool of blood. 

"PADFOOT!" 

Remus shot up from the bed violently, his eyes widened with the horror he had seen in his dream, the terror he had smelled, and his arrogant self he had listened so vividly. His eyes were stinging as tears were rolling down his cheek, but suddenly all he wanted to care about was the view before him. The scent that was filling him right in the heart to his stomach. The air in the room was pure and rich that he could feel it brushing his skins so delicately, even underneath the clothes he was wearing. 

The room was unrecognized but it didn't fail to give him a strong sense of familiarity. His heart was racing after it desperately, while his mind was struggling to process everything around him; a giant photo frame hanging before the dead wall in which Sirius and James were goofily grinning at each other, two posters of motorbikes in each side of the picture, Sirius' broom was in the corner of the room, and beside him, there was Sirius' quidditch jersey and Gryffindor scarf were clung on the hanger on the wall. He looked down on his left, the trunk sitting there with initials of S.O.B, which were scratched very harshly. The room was all about Sirius. He had never been to his room but sitting here on the bed that was radiating his favorite scent was giving him the vibe of being in Sirius' room. 

He wiped his cheeks and nose and pulled the blanket to his face to sniff the scent,  Sirius' scent . He slumped down on the bed to lay on his back when his head hit the lump on his pillow. He could sense it was a book that had smacked his skull so he groped his hand beneath the pillow and revealed what he thought it was. However, it was not exactly a book or a novel, it was a leather journal. The leather was navy blue and he studied the binding of the journal which was so neat and vintage, and he found nail scratches imprinted on the face of it. 

Remus' head already felt like it weighed a hundred pounds, and the haze of perplexity was creating  a  new round of questions that were popping in his head;  _What is it? Who does it belong to? Why is it under Sirius' bed? Or is it someone else's room that just smelled like Sirius? Sirius doesn't own anything like a journal! He hates writing or reading. Why would it belong to him? Why everything here is screaming Sirius' name? He was just staying here with Peter? It has been five or six days, but it felt like he had been here for a very long time._

He carefully opened the leathering and for a second he thought that it was just a blank journal until he reached the third page.

_Just Sirius._

It was Sirius' writing. Remus could feel his adam's apple bopping as his heart hammered in his chest with curiosity. How come Sirius has a journal? Sirius was like a maze. New discovery leading to another. The more you know him, the more you'll realize that you don't know him at all.

_1st of November, 1974_

_I don't know where it all began. I can't really put my finger on it because it just happened, okay? Well, which led me here, writing. Lily Evans says writing is good than crying. I can't vent out, can't confess to anyone. So I start by confessing to myself first. If it will help then I will continue it or otherwise this journal will be incendioed for good._

_Elaine didn't have a thing for long hair. Dumped her._

_Laura was too whiny. Dumped her._

_Emmeline was just fine. Dumped her._

_Marlene was fire and I was fire. She fought and I fought back. She loved me just as much as I did. She is gay and I think I am too just as much. Dumped her too._

_I don't know if I will ever be in a committed relationship, which is why I can't ask Remus to be my boyfriend and not just a date. Hell, even I don't know if he likes boys, or just me? He rolls his eyes in a ridiculously charming way every single time at me. I am never annoyed by that look because I think that look is reserved for me and me only._

_Fourth-year isn't just the same as third year. I see Remus too much. In the Great hall, the classes, in the corridors, in the library, in the common room, and then in the dormitory. I see his scars which are beautiful on his pale skin, his amber eyes that makes me so happy, and reminds me of a sunny day in a forest. His hands are always grasping a book, or his oversized sweater sleeves, I see him on his bed and all I want to do is just to sit closer to him until our shoulders are against each other so that I could lift my arm and casually wrap around him and he could lay his head on my chest. I could sniff the scent of coconut shampoo in his ash blonde hair. I love his hair. I love everything about him._

_I've never felt like that in my life. I see him and it's like I don't need anything else. No more girls. Just Moony. My Moony. Even if I can't ask him out but I have him as my best friend which is something I'm very grateful for. I like him too much. Prongs and Pete think it's the dog-wolf thing when I'm so close to him, treating his wounds, keeping tabs on his diets, taking notes for him after the moon. But only I know (and Lily Evans knows) that it's just love._

Remus feels like trembling and his heart was flying, aching, twisting.  He  could not tell what he was feeling but the room felt shallower as if the air in the room is punishing him on Sirius' behalf.

An hour felt like five minutes when he was at the page where that slant handwriting was last written.

_22nd of March, 1976, —And then the other day, we were over._

_The day is shiny, or as Moony would say exuberant. My dear Moony. If I had to trade him with eternal happiness, I wouldn't. I would never because he is already the heart of my beautiful life._

_Moony doesn't know how much I adore our relationship. I am kind of proud of myself to be in a committed place where I don't feel like running or fretting, where I just want to submit myself to a specific person. I never thought I would make it to this place. I never thought I would be capable of loving someone so much. I'm glad that it is someone who is my best friend, my roommate, my everything. I feel the new feelings, new urges I never thought I'd feel. I have this desperate urge to take his pain and feel it myself instead of him. I feel the urge to make him feel happy, in any case. I don't mind his book-reading now as I did before at the beginning of our relationship because I just like his face going all focused on the context, and very serious. I know its creepy but I think he knows that I stare him quite frequently because he keeps giving me his sweet smiles every minute or two in between his reading. The moon is tomorrow and it scares me like it does every time. I just don't want to think about Moony's physical affliction because the desperate urge begins in me to take the pain away from him so that he can live a happy and normal life. A life where he doesn't have to become something else and then bears the consequences. My Moony is so pure and sweet to be cursed with lycanthropy. I love him so much. It breaks my heart a little if I imagine being away from him. Oh speak of the angel-_

Every word had given Remus physical pain. He clutched the jo urnal to his heart, bringing his aching knees to his chest. He stared at the duvets, gathering everything one by one. It was all too much to process and understand what he had done to himself, to Sirius , and their relationship. Suddenly, he was standing in front of a bitter reality:  Sirius loved him more than he did. Just as his inner voice spoke those words, something broke down inside him and a howl escaped his mouth. He had his hand in his hands and he was smacking his knees with each other in anger. The anger that was on himself. Before he knew it, he broke into harsh sobs. He fall on his face, burying in the duvets and sheets, and cried rivers and oceans of regrets.  _What have you done, Lupin!? You needed him and you pushed him away! What have you one, you beast!_

"Remus!" A gasp. Someone had come inside his room. Someone who was not Sirius. Remus was lifted and embraced by the other person who smelled like sandalwood. 

"It's okay, It's okay, Moony..." James' shushed him gently.

"No, James!" He pushed back and found James staring at him terrifyingly, "It's not okay!"

James' eyes wandered at his hands that were holding Sirius' journal, and Remus witnessed his face falling guilty. 

"You knew about this?" Remus asked.

"Umm--yeah but--"

"How much you know and you choose not to tell me?" Remus snapped.

"Moony--"

"JUST TELL ME!" He begge d, feeling so hopeless or vulnerable in his life. "Tell me, James, please..."

"He ran away a month ago. He tried to contact me through the mirror and luckily I was there...sometimes I wish I didn't hear those screams."

Remus felt his stomach twisted.

"Cruciatus curse , " James murmur ed . 

"Again , " Remus whispered. 

"What?" 

"Yeah...again...He became su icidal after that...Regulus saved him..." Remus covered his faces with his trembling hands.

"That doesn't explain quite well actually." James said venomously and Remus frowned at him, "Well, Reg gave up on him that day when he begged for help. I heard their conversation. He is just a selfish bitch, Moony!"

"No, Regulus would never. He loves Sirius."

"Not enough." James' eyes were dark. "Well, thank Merlin I had him on the mirror, so I sent Torby to bring him here...but it wasn't pretty. ” 

"He splinched himself?"

"Yes, also you didn't notice that we don't have our house elf anymore." 

Remus was at a loss  for words and all he could think was what if it had been Sirius in the place of Torby. _How Remus could have lived with himself?_

"But I couldn't believe how Sirius survived, Moony. He was covered with blood, he was unconscious, and it was like seeing him dead. It was like he was never going to wake up again. It was like—“ James squeezed his eyes shut to prevent the tears from falling. Remus leaned forward and hugged James who also wrapped his arms around him. 

"I am so sorry, James." He was shocked how his words were inaudible  but James had heard him. 

"What on earth for , Moony?" 

"I kept you away from him. Our meaningless fight made it all worse-"

"It didn't. You didn't. I decided to be distant  from him. It was my fault, Moony, not yours, never yours." James smiled weakly at him, but Remus felt like he owed to everyone in his group. He was suddenly feeling the urge to apologize for being a werewolf, "And now I come to think of it, it was not meaningless. It was something that was meant to happen."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Remus pulled apart to look at his face. 

"I didn't know if you'd come, and I was not ready to lie to him. The truth would have been so bitter for him if you would n't have come."

Remus screwed up into a new round of crying. "James...I was too arrogant in love." 

"Moony, your reali zation is enough! Nothing has changed much. You can still have him!"

"But--"

"No, don't overthink now! Talk to him. About everything! You have no idea how Moony was happy to see Padfoot on the full. He took time to reali ze him but Sirius was very brave and sure that the wolf would recogni ze him. Just make it all normal, in fact, more than normal, Remus. Be open to him! Tell him how much you get jealous by Edward Finch." 

Remus couldn't help but let out a watery chuckle. He nodded because it was true that Moony loved having Padfoot and he could tell by his condition that it had been a good moon in a very long while. but there was still pain, more like a burden that was sitting on his chest, constricting his lungs to breathe freely. However, he was a tad hopeful. He was going to talk to Sirius. He was going to do it tonight.

If there is one thing that he was sure about Sirius Black was that he loved Remus more than anything. 

The night had befallen and Sirius had been looking very dull. His eyes were puffy and  his  hair w as tied in a messy bun as he came down for dinner. 

"Sirius, dear, you slept so long today." Euphemia unhooked the band from his hair and started brushing her fingers to untangle them. Remus watched in awe how affectionately she combed his hair by her fingertips and pulled them in a neat ponytail while Sirius was smiling the entire time. She could have done it with magic but Remus knew that she was aware of  her  options and yet she chose to do her second son's hair by her hand s.  She pressed a kiss on his head before flicking her wand to serve the plates and dishes. The whole scene was filled with such bliss that Remus was genuinely happy for Sirius that he had found a non -biological yet real family. 

"I gave him a dreamless potion. Not his fault." James sat on the dining table beside Peter, which left Remus the only option to sit beside Sirius. He sheepishly took a seat there and he could feel Sirius tensing up.

"Why?" Fleamont asked, frowning. James, Peter , and Sirius shared a look.

"Nightmares , " Sirius mumbled and only the clattering of plates and spoons filled the strange silence.

Remus was desperately finding an opportunity to talk to Sirius but this time it felt harder to gain his attention. He was avoiding Remus more than he had expected.  _Why shouldn't he? You pushed him away again. He has done enough but I haven't done anything except not giving him a chance._

Finally, James had decided that all of them were going to crash in the same room after they return from the theatre. The whole night had been uncomfortable for Remus.  The film had been the one he had seen before in his VCR. They had been breathless with laughter. Surprisingly, Sirius was laughing too while climbing through the window but James and Peter had been the only one s having the night of their lives, drunk and tired, they flopped down to their made -up beds. 

When the room was filled with loud snores of James and Peter, Remus sat up on his bed to find Sirius laying on the mattress before him, staring at the window dejectedly. He was internally thanking James for the given situation. He stood up carefully to not to make any sound. 

He saw that Sirius' eyes were fixedly gazing out of the window. He crouched down beside him. He was astonished to see Sirius zoned out that he couldn't acknowledge the presence of Remus, not even the thundering of his heart. 

"Hey." He whispered, and to his surprise, Sirius didn't start. He just shifted his gaze from the window to him. It broke Remus' heart a little when he faced him, "Can I sit here?" 

Gratefully, Sirius nodded, and Remus sat on his mattress very close that their knees were touching. Remus kept staring  at  him, his long and thick eyelashes fluttered as he looked down nervously, scratching the back of his neck. He looked flawless in the dimly emitted room. 

"What?" Sirius finally spoke when  he caught  Remus h aving his eyes locked with him. It was painful to feel so strange in the presence of the love of your life. 

"Looking if I've completely lost you." 

Sirius averted his gaze, but Remus was not giving up. Not this time.

"Have I?" He pressed on. 

"I am right here , " Sirius whispered very sadly.

Remus qui vered slightly when he reached forward to take Sirius' fragile hand and leaned closer, "Are you?" 

He could see Sirius' screwed -up face but he leaned closer until their foreheads were pressed against each other. Remus breathed him in and the real scent of Sirius filled up his senses, and he was injected a bottle of courage. 

"I am sorry." He said, and a tear escaped Sirius' closed eyes but Remus immediately kissed it away before it fell. 

"I am sorry too-" Remus cut him off by pressing a finger on his chapped lips.

"Not a word. You don't owe me any more apologies. I just have to accept all of them. And I think  I owe  you an apology for not accepting them when you begged a million times. I messed  us up. I didn't even give you a chance. I messed you up." 

"I deserved it."

"No, you didn't. I was just so caught up with my problem that I didn't even reali ze how much I'd be losing against it. I was a wreck without you. I was confused with everything. I was just so egoistic which made  me  stop being friends with you, and then it was guilt that told me that it was too late to make up for the lost times. Sirius, I was blaming you for my mistakes, my  presumptuous  self was just too ignorant to how much you've suffered."

Sirius had his eyes closed, and there was a comforting silence between them. Their positions were  the  same, and Remus could hear him sniffing. He took his wand and aimed it between them, with all the feelings that were welling inside him were now taking colo rs by the sparks coming out of the tip of  the  wand and silently swirling in the mid-air, murkily lightening the above them which allowed Remus to see his lover properly. His cheeks were wet as the tears were rolling down, his nose was red and all Remus wanted to do was to hold him forever and never let him go. 

He looked at their intertwined hand and then gently pushed up Sirius' sleeve and he let him. What revealed beneath the cloth was a long scar cutting his forearm which led up to his upper arm, disappearing in his armpit.

"Do you pity me?" Sirius asked . 

"No." Remus didn't know if it was completely true but it just came out of his mouth, "I don't pity you. I should've asked you why you weren't taking off your shirt at the lake."

"You did. And then what? You would take me back with pity which you are doing right now." Remus immediately put both of his hands on either side of his face and gazed into those crimson eyes where a bluish-silver orb shone in the middle of it. 

"I am not taking you back with pity. I came here with a regret for thinking my love was more than yours. I found something which vanished the haze of arrogance and cleared my vision, my boastful presumptions. I found your journal. You used to write about me."

Sirius nodded his face like a child in Remus' hands, which made him smile. 

"And, Sirius, I am not taking you back. I am asking you to take  me back. And like anything, even just as a friend, I just want to be in your life again, if you will have me." 

Sirius locked his eyes with Remus who felt like his heart skipped a beat when Sirius leaned closer until his shivering and damp lips were pressed against his. The kiss was hesitant and timid that it broke Remus' heart, so he wrapped his arms around Sirius' middle and pulled him closer to deepen the kiss. Sirius complied by lacing his arms around the other's neck, pulling even more closer. Remus could feel the damp skin rubbing against his, and Sirius' mouth was hot and firm. He was internally screaming in joy to feel Sirius' lips again, to feel his skin, the touch, the scent. Everything was just  _Sirius_ and it couldn't be more enough. It was all he could wish for. He was not going to let anything come between them. They were meant to be together. Those five months had felt like hell and this moment was all heaven. They were going to make the best of the time they had ahead of them. 

"Do you forgive me?" Sirius asked when they pulled apart.

"I already have. Did a long time ago. And, Sirius, I never hated you. I couldn't. I tried but I couldn't." 

Hurt flashed through Sirius' face before he asked, "Do you trust me?" 

"Sirius, the problem was that I didn't trust myself to trust you before. Time made me reali zed that someone who loves you wholeheartedly, hurts you more, and you can't blame them because even if they just make a mistake, you'll be hurt. Sirius, you made a mistake and my head was not wrapping around something that I never imagine would ever happen. My mistake was that I kept the hold of ignorance. I felt more hurt than I was. I hurt myself  a  little too much. I made things more complicated for myself. I felt everything more."

Remus didn't know if those words were going to make Sirius happy or sad because they were just truth. Like James had said him to become opened before him. Sirius blinked at him before smiling so warmly, his eyes sparkling, and he held Remus' face. 

"Because you are  _you_ .." He said with such tender that Remus felt a flutter in his stomach and he could feel the heat rising in his cheek, "You always get too hard on yourself, but that doesn't mean that what I did wasn't wrong. Whatever happened was hard on both of us. I guess we weren't accepting each other with our failures or mistakes. We were too used to perfect love. That wasn't loving. This is, Remus when we love each other at our worsts." 

I f it  w asn't the love of his life saying those words,  Remus  would have had listened to them like a normal person. He was constantly wiping tears that were dripping down as if there was an infinite supply behind them. 

"I love you, Sirius." It was all that was waiting on the tip of his tongue. 

"I love you more, Remus." Sirius whi mpered in his skins as he pressed his lips on the forehead that sent electric feelings up to Remus' limbs. 

"Yes, you do. You love me more than I could possibly imagine ." He nuzzled his face against Sirius'.  How can you love someone this much? This was all very surreal and beautiful. "You weren't there to tell me that. I was falling without you." 

Sirius brushed his lips against Remus' cheek then to his temples, travel ing down to  the  ear, "You won't have to."

Remus was already feeling lightheaded, and reluctantly he pulled away to face Sirius' beaming up. He was glowing. Remus pressed a quick peck on his lips, tugging a lock of his hair behind the ear which made him all scarlet in the face. They both were giggling just by looking into each other's eyes just like they were eleven -year-olds . 

"I can see you had pretty bad moons without Padfoot , " Sirius whispered lovingly while playing with Remus' hands. 

"Yeah, except for the last one. The previous five moons were the worst ones of my life." 

Sirius leaned in and kissed his scars on his face and then on the knuckles. 

" As I said, you won't be having any. We'll run around the forest like we did yesterday." 

His eyes were glimmering for the first time in a very long time. Remus had never felt such inexplicable happiness and love. It was all because of Sirius. They both laid there on the mattress and Remus was surprised that no one was awake. He wrapped his arms around Sirius who had his face buried in the crook of the other boy's neck. The hot breath was tingling his sensitive skin and he chuckled when Sirius pressed his kiss there. 

"What do you think you are doing?" Remus grinned at him who looked up with such a face that was  a  mixture of innocence and cheek. 

"Making up for the lost times , " Sirius replied which tinged to his heart. He was tracing circles on Sirius' forehead, _thinking if this was all going to be_ _a dream._

* * *

"OH MY GOD!" Remus jerked up on the bed but something had kept him from sitting up. The sunlight blinded him for a moment as he rubbed his eyes to see the view before him. He saw James gaping at him with his glasses dangling on the bridge of his nose, while Peter had covered his eyes like a toddler catching their parents sharing a kiss. He finally registered that a certain dark-haired boy was sleeping on his chest so soundly that James' yelling couldn't wake him up. 

He couldn't do much since he had insane friends beaming at him to congratulate the patch -up while he had his beautiful boy sleeping on him. He just stayed with no hint of anxiousness and he rested his arms around his lover and hummed contentedly. He watched how James shook his head with  the largest grin etched on his face, and Peter kept raising thumbs-up with his left hand while the right one still concealed his eyes. Remus watched them exiting the room, and then he found Sirius gazing  at  him with a smirk as he scooted closer to him and Remus met him in the gentlest morning kiss.

“Oh, and Sirius, James told me one thing to tell you.” 

“Mmm?” 

“That I’m jealous of Edward Finch.” 

Sirius laughed merrily, kissing him again. 

“Why did that make me so happy, Moony?” 

_It was certainly not a dream at all._


End file.
